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MAYBE IT'S TIME
TO LET YOUR WALLS DOWN
& LET LOVE SHINE
just for you

LOVE it, HATE it, It's all yours.

mistakes you knew,
i've made a few

~it's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance; it's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance; it'sthe mind afraid of losing never learns to give; it's the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.

~i just can't see things working out the way i planned them in my head. so forget it, i'm running.

~sometimes you have to break the rules and stand apart ignore your head and follow your heart.

~acknowledge me or lose me forever.

~what we do doesn't define who we are, what defines us is how we rise after falling down.

~don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

~you're so unpredictable and i'm so typical. i tried to sell you a heart before you saw the world.

~sometimes i can't believe my eyes. i want to stare up and get lost in the city lights because i've had enough and this is the end and now i understand that a heart breaks, it does not bend

~how are we expected to live in a real world when more than hald of the people living in it are fake?

~ dreams are the only place to where everything seems to be perfect, nothing is out of reach and everything you want, you have

~things happened for a reason, tears eventually fade and one day everything will be exactly how its supposed to be; moving on is a process, you have to promise yourself you're really ready to let go.

~ im thinking its a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they perfectly alligned.

~guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will and outlive the bastards.

~there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

~liars can't tell lies apart because they believe that everyone is always lying, just like them. they never trust in others.

~when you are in love, you can't fell asleep because reality is better than your dreams.

~some people come into our lives and dissappear; while others stay for a while, make footprints and we'll never be the same again.

~it's not love that hurts.it's the infatuation with what we so blindly accept as love that hurts.true love should never have to hurt.

~sometimes it's easier to day i don't care than to explain all the reasons you do.

~maybe sometimes it's a good thing to stumble. because there's a better way to stand. maybe sometimes we cry. because laughter cannot hide the worst.

~fake a smile like nothing is wrong. talk like everything is perfect. act like it's all a dream. pretend none of this is hurting. just so maybe i'll actually start to believe the lies in between.

~you'll never know untill you try. you'll never try until it's too late.

~someone will always catch you when you fall. and it won't always be who you thought it would. the people you think love you most might watch you fall, wait, and then congratulate you when you find your own way back up. this doesn't mean they love you less. they just know that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

~i'd give it all, everything and anything, but i wouldn't give up just like that.

~the best you can do is do the right thing. the second best you can do is the wrong thing. and the worst you can do is nothing.

~fight for the things you love, love the things you're fighting for.

~i'm not the person i use to be, i admit, a lot of shit got to me.

~in my heart if someone tells me i can't do something, i'm gonna do it just to prove i can.

~be the best you can be, and the worst without being get caught.

~when you get to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on.

~it's too late to walk away, because i've already stumble. and i'll keep falling, until i hit the ground-again.

~don't give up when you still wanna try. don't wipe your tears when you still wanna cry. don't stop asking questions if you still wanna know.

~the simplest things we tend to ignore are the simplest thing that matters so much more.

~only tears know how to remind us, we all break the same.

~i want to make a decision, but i forgotten how to chose.

~and here i go again. thinking about what i. could have done. would have done. should have done.

~living up to the expectations without cracking the pressure.

~how many times are you going to let someone say they'll never do it again before you realise they will.

~i've built a wall. not to block anyone out. but to see who loves me enough to climb over it.

~too often, the things you want are the thing you don't have. desire leaves us heartbroken and wears us out. but as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are the people who don't know what they want.

~it's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you ever wanted.

~under my feeling. under my skin. under the thoughts from within. learning the subtext of the mind.

~find grace in in mistakes

~with love and grief in mind, not yet ready to give all in and crumble.

~when something unexpected comes, just pick it up and run.

~you closed you eyes. that's the difference. you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. it you're ever going to have other people to trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too. even when in the dark. even when you're falling.

~did i make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

~simple dreams are the most painful because they seem so reasonable, so personal, so attainable. always close enough to touch but never close enough to hold.

~when you can lean on no one else, you'll find yourself.

~if you want what you've never had, you have to do what you've never done before.

~it's one thing to understand, but another to accept.

~staring up at the stars at night. i'm satisfied to know although we're million miles away, we sleep under the same sky.

~two stars blinking in the vast blue sky, shining and making signals, seem so close yet so far.

~sometimes you just have to run, and never turn back until you've reach where you want to be.

~just because you deserve it, doesn't mean they're gonna give it to you, you have to fight for it.

~if you don't understand silence, you don't deserve words.

~don't be so quick to judge, i only chose what to show.

~one of the hardest moments in life is deciding whether to give up or to try harder.

~when you have everything you ever wanted, that's when you have somthing to lose.

~you really shouldn't say i love you unless you mean it. but if you mean it, you should say it a lot. people forget.

~what done is done, i can't change time. but i'll be damned if i'm not gonna try.

~the trouble is, if you don'to risk, you risk even more.

~you have to learn to push through your fatigue even when you're tired.

~there's a reason why you're gone this far, just be yourself.

~somethings are meant to be broken, imperfect, chaotic. it's just the way the universe provides contrast.

~screw it. or love it.

~we spend time telling ourselves that everything happens for a reason. when in reality we give reasons for everything that happens.

~something simple as words can have such a strong affect on feelings.

~never say sorry for saying what you feel. that's like apologizing for being real.

~sometimes you don't know you've crossed a line until you're already on the other side.

~eyes are the doorways to heart, where all the love resides.

~if you love someone, you would be willing to give up everything you have. but if they love you back, they'd never ask you to.

~torn between a world of hates and a world of dreams. so much to lose, so much to gain, so much to fight for, so much to change.

~optimism means expecting the best, confidence means handling the worst.

~i took a chance, took a shot. you might think i'm bullet proof, but i'm not.

~if you believe it's in my soul. i'd say all the words that i know. just to see if it would show. that i'm trying to let you know.

~and then i remember to relax and stop holding on to it. everything then flows through me like rain and i can't feel gratitude for every single moment of a stupid life.

~sometimes to move forward, you have to look back.

~the more you care the more you lose.

~broken into pieces but no one can see it. you won't believe, i have nothing left to lose.

~behind my smile is a hurting heart. behind a laughter i'm falling apart. who you see isn't who i really am.

~capture my feelings in a box. make it glass so the world can see. seal it up. do not touch. the vulnerability i behold is beyong my control.

~when life offers a dream so far beyond expectations, it's not resonable to grieve when it comes to an end.

~you bite your tongue and pretend that you're made of stone. you never let it show, but honey, everybody knows.

~give up what you can't keep to gain what you can't lose.

~if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

~dance to no music, love without fear.

~love does things for reasons that reasons cannot understand.

~if it is true love, fight as hell for it because it's worth it.

~seduction is destruction, love is a function, sex is a succession. put your powers to seduce the showstoppers and make them the jawdroppers, gear into love without being a disfunctional relationship, and get down dirty if you reach the right level of feeling cause sex is no reduction even in this recession.

~there is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness.

~don't worry about not falling in love, in fairytales, they fall in love in the last page.

~almost lovers always brings heartahce.

~if you don't go after what you want you'll never have it. But sometimes, what you want is not what you need, and what you need may not be what you want.


knock yourself out.

February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
September 2010
October 2010
December 2010
January 2011
February 2011

thank you.


library


Apparently in my life, things tend to happen spontaneously miraculously for the better. It was a week ago, i really needed to see you one more time. I cannot bear without saying a proper goodbye, and i couldn't believe the fact that i won't see you anymore.

Somehow, in my mind, you're always there, always present. I think our human's mind are deceptive. We can somehow manipulate ourselves into falling for someone uncontroallably, thinking that this is the undeniable unconditional love that everyone had always dreamt of. Fo' real, what are we fucking thinking? I haven't even live half of my life, yet i can feel this is so real. And it's all coming back to me, not that i ever had it before.

The day was still clear. It was only an hour, yet time didn't fly past. Let's just conclude that I was glad to see you, and i hope you are too. So we were set to meet at the library, and walk to the volunteering orientation later on. I was walking and i kinda stalled time subcontiously. Com'on, the sun was out, and the weather was hot, and i gotta flaunt my red shorts!

When i reached there, I saw you immediately, burried your head in the books already. Nevertheless, i decided to walk to the back of the library, hoping you never saw me. And you never did. I got ready myself, glance at a computer to make sure i'm in okay condition. And I walked over to return my library books. Just then, I saw you coming out of the stacks of books, and walked to the front door. As if, you're looking out for someone. Awww, how could it possibly be anyone else? When i specifically told you I'll be there? I quickly turn my head back, knowing the you're checking my out (as i'm checking my books out), my heart skipped a beat, and i'm pretending none of this ever happenned, and act cool.

You came over, and gosh was it good to see you and have you close to me. I finished checking out my books and we plopped down by the chairs and started chatting. You told me about stuff and plans and i begged you once again to go to camp. Actually more than once, and you said you would if there was some incentives to it. Little did you know, that I have to practically knock myself out to not land a deal with the you! Oh, the things you do to me. fuckmylife. And you said that even if you did feel me up, you wouldn't feel a thing for me. OUCH! I hate myself for keeping such a cool face and take everything as a joke. Well, honestly, I can't break that news to my heart, I wouldn't survive. And you leave me everyday debating whether it's worth it to believe in lies, or accept the real brutal truth. Ain't it your pleasure to confuse me?

You kept on complementing me. I'm sorry, I don't take complements well. Aside from saying
thank you, I couldn't look you in the eye. Somehow, I'm scared. Cause everytime I look you in the eye, I have no idea what will happen. I'll lose control, and you'll blow my mind away with my rational! If only you knew, how much I have to pretend. I'm sick of it faking it and wearing a mask.

During the walk, we still chatted. It's like we never run out of things to talk. Even if we did, i'm pretty sure the silence in between us are comfortable. You kept on repeating that what if you picked my up, and then dropped me, and you fell on top of me. I looked at you, amazed that you actually said that out loud! And repeated it like a gazillion times asking what will i do?! Well, for goodness sake, what do you expect me to say!? Deep down, I would stare into your eyes and kiss you, cause that's what movies told me. I'm not a little girl anymore, I've learnt that those perfect lovey-dovey moments only happens in movies. When everything is scripted and well planned, and took a whole day to shoot that passionate amazingly stunning breath-taking scene! So inside my head, I was just running in circles, coming up with stupid replies, that probably scared you away.

Later on. You didn't even sign up for the volunteering hours together. Not that you have anything better to do. But you decided to sign up with this girl. So you are hitting on girls! I have a very strong feeling, that you're just keeping your options open, until you find the right one. Flirting and trying to get as many girls on your boat as possible, and then pick the best out of the lot, and dump the rest, cause it don't matter as long as you have the best one. JERK! But that is a good plan. I feel stupid for myself to fall for this plan, and i have a feeling, that I cannot compete with the girls on the boat. That's why, I don't know what to do! I'm scared, scared to jump on board! Cause this is one boat with no life jackets on, i'll only sink and hit rock bottom. Well, I hope that there's a treasure down there, deep deep down in the ocean. And that'll be my back up plan!


OMG. WTF HAVE I BEEN TALKING ABOUT?! THESE THOUGHTS ARE FUCKING USELESS! I CAN"T AWAKEN LOVE UNTILL IT"S TIME, AND CLEARLY NOW ISN"T! FUCK! SHUTUP AND GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER! DO NOT AWAKEN LOVE. PRAY, AND MAKE LIFE WORTH!

~lovegame~


11:50 PM Sunday, June 28, 2009


finally.

IT AIN"T OVER TILL IT'S OVER,
WELL, NOW IT IS!




I'm free, from finals. And everything in between, all the drama, all the stress. I'm relief! All those studying, the test, the sweat, the dream, the moments, everything's over. A year had passed, and yet this summer is just the beginning.


I'm confused. I want you there, but in order to ask you or to get you there. Our friendship might be at risk. Actually, scratch that. Cause if we break our friendship because of this, i'll understand. But i always thought we have a stronger bond. The chemistry between is undeniable, no fire can put it out. I always admire that, and i hope that it will stay, and last forever, forever and more.


I always wonder. What's it like to be in a relationship? Is there a difference from being best friends? Besides the holdign hand part and kissing. Is that all to relationship? Or does a relationship gives you the right to take the other for granted? I have no idea. Or a relationship is just a moment of infatuation and attraction for another? Cause how can you love someone for the rest of their life? When you commit to a relationship, does it mean you're stuck with them? I don't know if i should feel happy for people who are stuck with the person they hate. But then, how would i know? Again, i've never felt this way about someone. Everytime i'm with you, you make me smile. This i'll always remember. And the chemistry between us is clearly undeniable. Since i always have to pretend that there's nothign between us, and it definitely isn't working. Our chemistry still sparkles. How can i lose you? Can i lose you?
I'd be pretty darn stupid to lose your love, because i love you too.
Unfortunately, you'll never know.


That's all i gotta say, i'm in love with you, it's as simple as that. But with the parents and the future, i'm scared to be in a relationship. What does it matter? We're in love, we both know we're in love. Well, you know you love me, but you don't know that i love you more than you do; on the other hand, i know you love me, and i really really love you too. Let's hope for the best, have faith in each other, and time will come, and love will conquer it all. But first, this camp is really important to me. And i hope you'll go. I need you to be there, period.


~you make me smile~


11:38 AM Tuesday, June 23, 2009


meltdown breakdown



I can't hold it in anymore. I can't talk to anyone. I feel foolish, i feel stupid, that this is hapenning to me. I've never never need someone so much. I have so much to say, so much to tell. But everytime i see you, words just don't come out.


Can't you see it? I'm falling so much for you. I'm outta control, i'm a mess.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't play this game anymore.
I can't lose you anylonger.
I need you,
I need you,
very very much.


I'm breaking down. Little do you know, how much you mean to me. I just wish i knew how much i mean to you. Do i mean nothing at all? I can't tell. I'm madly, crazy attracted to you. I don't know if love is the word anymore. fuckallthisshit. I'm tired of it. I don't know what to do. I'm lost.


~gotta get back ont track~


5:30 PM Friday, June 19, 2009


on mua tippy toes


This is just insane.
I never thought this would happen so fast.
I never thought this was real.
I never thought it was you.

Call me crazy, it's my middle name. I couldn't even believe these thoughts flooding through my mind on a sunday morning, sitting all preppy like in church. I never thought this was real. Maybe it isn't, but to be truthfully honest with myself, I was carried away. But most of all, this was a feeling i never felt before.

A realization hit me. I can't stand losing anymore, especially losing you. I've lost once, and it hurt me bad, left brutal scars that only time can heal. I ain't letting you pass my by no more, I want something i've never had, I had to do something i've never done before. I need you to know how much this faith means to me, I need you to know that i can't stand losing you, I need you to know that this is love, God is love, God is the answer to everything.

I need you to know, without God, love ain't gonna work between us. Because love is God, no God, no love. It's as simple as that. I need you to know, this is the real me. The one who's always talking about big dreams and big ambitions, but she only wants to make her life worth. And this is the only way she knows, and possibly the only existing way. Because till the end of the day, when everybody dies, what you've done don't matter if it wasn't for the master. This is true, you have one life, one chance, no turning back, you gotta make it worth.

I wake up in the morning. Dress up and look good for you, i can't wait to see you. The more I see you, the more I want you. I've never wanted anything so desperately, and scared of losing you at the same time. Somehow, i can tell you really meant everything. I just know it when our eyes meet, that you're sincere. But everyone around me, including my concious, is holding me back. My heart is chained down. Please, don't let me down. Prove that my guts and my instincts are right, i'm wild about you.

Please, it'll mean a lot to me.
When will you realise i love you?
I can't tell if you really meant what you said
one day you'll fall for me,
and i won't be there to catch you.
cause i'll be busy hitting on someone who's studying for finals.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V08Mt35MSis

~this love i have for you~


7:45 PM Monday, June 15, 2009


black&white



Black&White. The way things are right now, are scatterred everywhere. Some lose pieces falling, some went missing, some are just staring right in front of me. My heart wants me to believe the fantasies, my concious wants me to hold my heart back before the regrets haunt me, my brain is tired from intepreting every word you said. I'm scared.



FUCK LOVE. FUCK YOU.

Even if the perfect girl is right in front of me, i still wouldn't know.
Wouldn't it be your lost then?
True. but it'd be your lost too.

I'm tired of losing. But I don't understand how you can lose something you've never had. People say, "when you want something you've never had, you gotta do something you've never done before". I'm a wimp, I'm a chicken, and that's the reason why i'll never have you. Damn, you're everything i despised. But something about you lingers even when you're done, something about you keep my mind spinning, something about you, moves me. Fuck you, and you say all this is just a game! Fuck me for letting you play me! Fuck this love game! To you it may be a game, to me, it's my life. And i definitely failed at life.

I'm a loser. I've lost a lot of things. My dignity, pride, love, friendship, respect.
But one thing i can't stand losing,
is YOU.
because i love you, no matter what.

ps: you may think i don't understand love. but i've never felt such a huge attraction before. something about you, keeps me going. f u !

~gray area~


10:18 PM Tuesday, June 09, 2009


ain't what i was going for.


Everything that i ever wished for, everything that i ever fantasized of us, evaporated into thin air. Vanish, in the boiling heat! Even the raging fire in me to touch you, just sizzle and died out. I was always a liar, never a lover. I rejected too much. I'm sorry. Unfortunately, you'll never know. Nevertheless, i still want you, i still love you.

This bond we had, in between, strucked me. It's a thing, a craving i've never felt before. It's like when our eyes meet, everything around me is not important anymore, all i see is you. Nothing but you. I think about you when my friends invites me to go out, i think about you when i saw your name on the calculator, i think about you when i saw a bulletin with your name on it. Oh why oh why do you have to have such a common name, ironic ain't it?

Or maybe, it's just the fact that i'm in love with you.

I swear. Even my friends, and your friends could tell. Well, E said that we were destined to be a couple. E can imagine us dating, but we looked at each other, with an eww and a no response, and laughed our belly's out. E continued to state that that's how everything started, wait till 10 years later. I just hope E really means what he says. And A too, he just looked at me, and said i reminded him of you. How is this possible? B said we look like a married couple! When i clearly don't even talk or chat with you that often? Is it the sparks in our eyes, that are too strong to sustain a conversation? Even when i'm talking to you, i refuse to look at you, i usually avoid contact. Maybe, it's because, i know, you're bound to get whatever you want from me. I'm melting in your arms, any second right now. I just couldn't believe that even my 'outside' friends, can see through me. Mind me, i am still holding back my feelings for you. Imagine if i said 'go' and put on a green light, set my feelings to full speed. WE'd be MARRIED. Okay, i may be exagerrating a little.

But YOU"RE AWESOME BEYOND LIMIT.
AND I HATE THAT I LOVE YOU!

ps: this is all how i feel. i just hope you feel the same. i really do.




Right now, you didn't even reply my message. And the day at the beach wasn't what i expected. I wish i can just lie down by your side. And chat and chat forever! The kiss you planted no my palm on the way home, and i wiped it on your pants. I'm sorry. But i really wish you would devote yourself to me. I need a loyal guy. I believe you can be very loyal, But you just need to prove me that i'm right. But it doesn't matter anyways, cause you already had my heart.

~memories~


8:48 PM Tuesday, June 02, 2009