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MAYBE IT'S TIME
TO LET YOUR WALLS DOWN
& LET LOVE SHINE
just for you

LOVE it, HATE it, It's all yours.

mistakes you knew,
i've made a few

~it's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance; it's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance; it'sthe mind afraid of losing never learns to give; it's the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.

~i just can't see things working out the way i planned them in my head. so forget it, i'm running.

~sometimes you have to break the rules and stand apart ignore your head and follow your heart.

~acknowledge me or lose me forever.

~what we do doesn't define who we are, what defines us is how we rise after falling down.

~don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

~you're so unpredictable and i'm so typical. i tried to sell you a heart before you saw the world.

~sometimes i can't believe my eyes. i want to stare up and get lost in the city lights because i've had enough and this is the end and now i understand that a heart breaks, it does not bend

~how are we expected to live in a real world when more than hald of the people living in it are fake?

~ dreams are the only place to where everything seems to be perfect, nothing is out of reach and everything you want, you have

~things happened for a reason, tears eventually fade and one day everything will be exactly how its supposed to be; moving on is a process, you have to promise yourself you're really ready to let go.

~ im thinking its a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they perfectly alligned.

~guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will and outlive the bastards.

~there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

~liars can't tell lies apart because they believe that everyone is always lying, just like them. they never trust in others.

~when you are in love, you can't fell asleep because reality is better than your dreams.

~some people come into our lives and dissappear; while others stay for a while, make footprints and we'll never be the same again.

~it's not love that hurts.it's the infatuation with what we so blindly accept as love that hurts.true love should never have to hurt.

~sometimes it's easier to day i don't care than to explain all the reasons you do.

~maybe sometimes it's a good thing to stumble. because there's a better way to stand. maybe sometimes we cry. because laughter cannot hide the worst.

~fake a smile like nothing is wrong. talk like everything is perfect. act like it's all a dream. pretend none of this is hurting. just so maybe i'll actually start to believe the lies in between.

~you'll never know untill you try. you'll never try until it's too late.

~someone will always catch you when you fall. and it won't always be who you thought it would. the people you think love you most might watch you fall, wait, and then congratulate you when you find your own way back up. this doesn't mean they love you less. they just know that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

~i'd give it all, everything and anything, but i wouldn't give up just like that.

~the best you can do is do the right thing. the second best you can do is the wrong thing. and the worst you can do is nothing.

~fight for the things you love, love the things you're fighting for.

~i'm not the person i use to be, i admit, a lot of shit got to me.

~in my heart if someone tells me i can't do something, i'm gonna do it just to prove i can.

~be the best you can be, and the worst without being get caught.

~when you get to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on.

~it's too late to walk away, because i've already stumble. and i'll keep falling, until i hit the ground-again.

~don't give up when you still wanna try. don't wipe your tears when you still wanna cry. don't stop asking questions if you still wanna know.

~the simplest things we tend to ignore are the simplest thing that matters so much more.

~only tears know how to remind us, we all break the same.

~i want to make a decision, but i forgotten how to chose.

~and here i go again. thinking about what i. could have done. would have done. should have done.

~living up to the expectations without cracking the pressure.

~how many times are you going to let someone say they'll never do it again before you realise they will.

~i've built a wall. not to block anyone out. but to see who loves me enough to climb over it.

~too often, the things you want are the thing you don't have. desire leaves us heartbroken and wears us out. but as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are the people who don't know what they want.

~it's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you ever wanted.

~under my feeling. under my skin. under the thoughts from within. learning the subtext of the mind.

~find grace in in mistakes

~with love and grief in mind, not yet ready to give all in and crumble.

~when something unexpected comes, just pick it up and run.

~you closed you eyes. that's the difference. you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. it you're ever going to have other people to trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too. even when in the dark. even when you're falling.

~did i make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

~simple dreams are the most painful because they seem so reasonable, so personal, so attainable. always close enough to touch but never close enough to hold.

~when you can lean on no one else, you'll find yourself.

~if you want what you've never had, you have to do what you've never done before.

~it's one thing to understand, but another to accept.

~staring up at the stars at night. i'm satisfied to know although we're million miles away, we sleep under the same sky.

~two stars blinking in the vast blue sky, shining and making signals, seem so close yet so far.

~sometimes you just have to run, and never turn back until you've reach where you want to be.

~just because you deserve it, doesn't mean they're gonna give it to you, you have to fight for it.

~if you don't understand silence, you don't deserve words.

~don't be so quick to judge, i only chose what to show.

~one of the hardest moments in life is deciding whether to give up or to try harder.

~when you have everything you ever wanted, that's when you have somthing to lose.

~you really shouldn't say i love you unless you mean it. but if you mean it, you should say it a lot. people forget.

~what done is done, i can't change time. but i'll be damned if i'm not gonna try.

~the trouble is, if you don'to risk, you risk even more.

~you have to learn to push through your fatigue even when you're tired.

~there's a reason why you're gone this far, just be yourself.

~somethings are meant to be broken, imperfect, chaotic. it's just the way the universe provides contrast.

~screw it. or love it.

~we spend time telling ourselves that everything happens for a reason. when in reality we give reasons for everything that happens.

~something simple as words can have such a strong affect on feelings.

~never say sorry for saying what you feel. that's like apologizing for being real.

~sometimes you don't know you've crossed a line until you're already on the other side.

~eyes are the doorways to heart, where all the love resides.

~if you love someone, you would be willing to give up everything you have. but if they love you back, they'd never ask you to.

~torn between a world of hates and a world of dreams. so much to lose, so much to gain, so much to fight for, so much to change.

~optimism means expecting the best, confidence means handling the worst.

~i took a chance, took a shot. you might think i'm bullet proof, but i'm not.

~if you believe it's in my soul. i'd say all the words that i know. just to see if it would show. that i'm trying to let you know.

~and then i remember to relax and stop holding on to it. everything then flows through me like rain and i can't feel gratitude for every single moment of a stupid life.

~sometimes to move forward, you have to look back.

~the more you care the more you lose.

~broken into pieces but no one can see it. you won't believe, i have nothing left to lose.

~behind my smile is a hurting heart. behind a laughter i'm falling apart. who you see isn't who i really am.

~capture my feelings in a box. make it glass so the world can see. seal it up. do not touch. the vulnerability i behold is beyong my control.

~when life offers a dream so far beyond expectations, it's not resonable to grieve when it comes to an end.

~you bite your tongue and pretend that you're made of stone. you never let it show, but honey, everybody knows.

~give up what you can't keep to gain what you can't lose.

~if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

~dance to no music, love without fear.

~love does things for reasons that reasons cannot understand.

~if it is true love, fight as hell for it because it's worth it.

~seduction is destruction, love is a function, sex is a succession. put your powers to seduce the showstoppers and make them the jawdroppers, gear into love without being a disfunctional relationship, and get down dirty if you reach the right level of feeling cause sex is no reduction even in this recession.

~there is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness.

~don't worry about not falling in love, in fairytales, they fall in love in the last page.

~almost lovers always brings heartahce.

~if you don't go after what you want you'll never have it. But sometimes, what you want is not what you need, and what you need may not be what you want.


knock yourself out.

February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
September 2010
October 2010
December 2010
January 2011
February 2011

thank you.


laughs & crushed

I thought this wa pretty funny. Anyways, hope it lightens up your day.
It didn't for me, but i fake a laugh and pretend it was, as usual.

Seeing you with a foreign girl, i was to caught up. What should i say? Do i have the right? Our eyes lock together, i don't even know what look i gave you. I was shock. I wasn't expecting anything like that, definately not that fast, not even close to imagine you guys together. It just ain't true, but my eyes don't lie, at least i trust them. You gave me a smile and a smal wave, but then i knew it was all too fake. I lost my chance, i blew it again. Or maybe, that's the way it is. I guess. I just hope you still have time for me as a friend. I wonder what the chemistry is? A potion, a dream, static electric? Anyways, i was hurt a little, i think. I"m so lucky that i didn't let myself carry that far away. Thank, i'll try not to awaken love until the time is right. Clearly, now is not the right time. I won't fall in love, i'll try. I WON'T, NOT LOVE, i don't even understand the true meaning of love, so much for my expectations.

~i have to keep holding on~


6:01 PM Wednesday, April 30, 2008


junkies

Finally, i get to taste the junkies that i missed so much. Man, i just realise i love talking to you. I just hope you know how much i feel for you. But too bad, it's impossible, but i know you care, and that's all i'm asking. Let's party and pump our weights together!

~let's get fat~


11:45 PM Tuesday, April 29, 2008


i care but nobody else does

When i look into your eyes, it's like drowning into the beauty of two black holes, lost within the darkness, trying so hard to read and infer in those confusing thoughts. I'm the only one that seemed to care, neither does he nor she.

So, i just have to supresss all my emotions in my heart, flatten them in a package and keep them locked up until someone finds the key, that i once threw it far far away, and brought it back to open the right tresure chest, which is located in my heart, right in the midle of my heart. Been through all the troubles of wondering in the deserted blood veins, finally,you grasp hold of my heart, openned it, suck all the gold and the goodness and left me an empty black hole. You don't care anymore, then why should i?

~do i have the right?~



11:24 PM Monday, April 28, 2008


experience that matters

I
GUESS
IT
REALLY
DID
MATTER
TO
ME
!!!

1st day: When i place my first step into the gym, i took a glance and have no idea what to expect. Everyone is a stranger to me, everyone is my opponent, everyone is my friend, everyone is here for one purpose, that is to get in. I didn't know what i was getting into, i took my time changing my shoes and prepare my heart and just let my eyes wonder around and try to evaluate everyone and where do i fit in.

Finally, i have the courage to stand up and get a ball, I start dribbling. Man, i haven't touched the ball for so long. I started to shoot around, wasn't that bad, about 70% of my jumpshots are in. I was nervous, i was worried, i was new, i don't know anyone. When the coach called us in, and instruct the first drill, i was completely lost. It was far more intense, the speed was wawy faster and there's no mistake. Everyone know what they're doing except me, weird enough, a fear crept over my shoulder. I tried my hardest to concentrate and focus, which i did, but i'm just not used to those damn hard firery passes and care like cannon ball that just shot straight at you. I got his twice, once in the jaw, once in the shoulder. I wanted to cry so badly when the first drill started, actually, i did. I cried inside my heart, but on the outside i left a neutral face for everyone to see and prove that i'm strong, but i'm totally crushed inside, wondering 'what am i doint here? It clearly proves that i don't belong here. why did i even expect so much? how can i be so stupid and not realise anything? damn it, damn me.'

My mind is swirling, thoughts are flying, i feel like i'm the black sheep of the whole team. Worst, i can screw up the whole team, i don't even dare to think what the coach thinks about me, i really don't. I lost the ball so many times that the coach doesn't even bother to look at me. It was so bad that i can't even look at myseld how i played. I wanted to quit so badly but too bad, my dignity and pride makes me think twice, I'm not a quiter. Am i that weak, i can't survive 3 days? No way, no matter what, i want to push it to my limit. I have to, i won't quit, that's not me, i'll pray, hope, believe, anything with God is possible. I'm pretty stubborn so excuse my while i try and try again.


2nd day:
I opened my eyes, the sky isn't that bright. I play around with my hair, tons of thoughts are flooding through my mind, replaying what happenned yesterday, predicting what is about to happen, glorious moment or the worst nightmare. I'm lost in my own thoughts, lost in my own imagination. I can't hold it anymore, i need to use the washroom. I went droozily and came back, dump myself on the bed, and try my best to fall asleep again. I tossed to the right, tossed to the left, nothing works. My mind is too awake to fall back to sleep, i went to check the clock, wth? 5.15 am? That's freaking early, I need to get more sleep in order to compete for today. I force myself to go to sleep, i don't know how i did that, but when i opened my eyes again, it was 8.30!

I roll out of bed immediately, get brushed get dressed, and went to eat the heartily breakfast that is prepared by my wonderful parents. I do love them despite all the time my complaints about them, i do know that everything they do is for my good. Thank You! Breakfast was awesome, best homemade fried rice ever, my dad's recipe rocks! There's fifteen minutes early so i went on bed and lie there till it's time. Then i phoned my friends just to get a T-shirt that i want. Haih, imma spoiled brat!

I was in the car, looking out the window, regretting why i ever sign up for this. I can't remember what i was thinking, i surely made a mistake, but i'm glad i'm not sore yet. I guess the cool down i did yesterday night was pretty effective. Anyways, iw as early, the gym wasn't open. I waited for a while and then i walked in. It was a different coach this time. He coaches totally different, he said today was 'mentally challenge', yesterday was 'physically challenge'. That's why i felt so used yesterday, wasted.

It was better a little, but still not what i want me myself to play. It was ok, i did make some lay-ups, and the best thing today is that i made a lay-up on this super fast girl, but it was only once. Somehow, i don't played bigger than i usually did. My hands were all over the place, i was bigger than than i was during regular season. This is a good thing, after today, i dont' think i'll ever be the same again. I built my courage and actually conquer my fear, somewhat. But give me time, and i think ic an handle it better.

Two days down, one more day to go. I'm actually not expecting to get in because i kinda know where i stand. But if i miracles to happen, and everything with God is possible, and if i do, i think there's a purpose. Unfortunately, i'm sore all over when i get back home. I can't even walked properly, how can i even run? My muscles are so tired, i wish i can burry myself in a icepack and let my muscles heel. But i know a better and faster way to get rid of the pain, that is to pray to my God, he is the greates and my savior. He cleanse my sins and i know he can heal me, from the inside out, physically or mentally, he's always there for me, and for you. Pray to him and have faith, miracles to happen. Thank you, Lord for blessing me this opportunity to play with the strangers. Thanks.

3rd day: My dad woke me up early today so it would be convinient to drive my family to church first then send me to the last day of try-outs. I was draggin time because i want him to drop them off and send me to try-outs as soon as possible. I was nervous, so i really don't wanna be late, unfortunately, i failed. Went to church, sang my heart out, praying that i will get better and play better during try-outs. When it's offering, i asked him the time. Suprisingly, time flies. I rushed him but he hesitate and say it can be delay. I was shocked and tears start rolling down leaving a wetline on my cheek, while the offering ushers walked past me. I tried to burry my face but it wouuld be too awkward, the only thing i can do is to stay calm and try to stop myself from crying.

After a few minutes, my dad moved, and hinted me to follow him out to the car. We're finally leaving, i don't know, i think i made the wrong decisions. Clearly, going to church and learning about God is far more important than try-out, unfortunately, i was too caught up with it, my priorities are wrong. I gave into temptation again, i don't know, is this a test? I'm confused. I really am.

It was bad today, i wasn't technically pushing myself all i can because i am so sore. My sides and my legs are killing me even to just stand upright. But when the coach start coaching, i forget about everything and push myself to make it seem allrigh, but deep down i know it isn't. I was sucky today, but the looks on the coaches face, i know he's not interested in training me. So much for my hopes and my imagination of succeeding and making into the team. He doesn't correct me, he doesn't go harsh on me like other girls do, and i know i wasn't up to the 'girls' standard yet. Hey, this is my first time, i think i did pretty good for a beginner, and i've never been in any elite or whatsoever 'pro' program. This is my very first time. I learned a lot so i'm not going to complain but i may go back next year if my friends are coming, i definately don't want to come alone.

So much for expecting, so much for hoping, i guess i have to learn how to let go, the thing is i learnt something and gain experience. Honestly, i haven't lost a lot yet. There was this girl who is super extra vicious but her height is a problem. This is just sad, at least i'm not the one with the talent and skills. But one thing for sure, i'm going to try hard and pick up from what i learned in this 3 days. I NEED TIME TO PRACTICE!

~so much for hoping and expecting but i guess it's your way, so let it be~


8:54 PM Saturday, April 26, 2008


finally

Finally, i can run free and run loose from all that is holding me back; i can dance like no one's watching and swing my hips and arms high high up in the air; i can flip my hair back and forth, fall down on the ground and still laughing my ass off. Actually, not quite to celebrate yet, but i thank God i had successfully gone this far, it is his blessings that made my journey a whole lot easier. Thank you.

3 MORE FREAKING DAYS OF TRY-OUTS
before i can technically celebrate of my results, wether i get in or not, i'm glad i had the chance to try

I prayed while i was running, mumuring about my desires and my requests, how much more left to go, can i go that far? All these questions are popping up in my head, and then fade into the background of crowds cheering, people's panting, and dissapear into thin air.

I can't go this far without your blessings and your directions, Thank you Lord, you truly are my savior. I love YOU. Please continue to pray for me for the tryouts. Thank you. I can sense it, i have a great feeling about this. Let it be, if it is meant to be.

~can't wait for it to be over~


8:09 PM Thursday, April 24, 2008


used

I thought i pushed it to my limits, i can barely move anymore. My hands were cramming, how i wish to just walk of the road, but the thought about being a quiter strike my head, i would never quit, NEVER. I kept on going, there were cheers of my name, lauder and lauder. I wander what they saw, a girl who is giving up, or a girl who still keeps on going although she isn't moving any further. I can't believe it, i'm even running in my own lies. For the last hundred meters, my legs can't move anymore, it was totally weak. My mind is full of thoughts about when am i going to pass the baton, when is my turn to stop.

Finnaly, i get to hand it off, i'm free. I'm done, completely used, definately wasted. I know i didn't ran that fast, but the weird thing is i start cramming. I was one second slower, but it doesn't matter cause it's only a split second difference from my last timing. But i felt really weird, my butt hurts, my legs hurts, my shins split, my hands are freaking cramming. I sat on the fake grass, i can't feel anything. I watched the last runner came in, i feel bad, we came in last. All because of me, if only i have the energy to push further. How i wish i can push myself to my whole limits and be the best on the team. The sad news is, i pushed myself, and i came in last.
I was suppose to sprint, stride, sprint,stride. But i sprint, sprint, sprint, jog. It all adds up the same. If only i could stride on the last hundred. But i can't, no matter how hard i push myself, i wasn't going anywhere. Sad but true. It's like i'm stuck in the track, watching other people leaving me further and further. I need to get better, fast. Some say i had a bad day, but i say i suck, i need training and courage and God's blessings.

I have a dillemma, still undecided.
Shoud i suck it all up & push myself to challenge & finish the race?
Or should i save it for the try-outs & improve my chance in getting in?
People say you shouldn't pick a fight with ugly people, because they have nothing to lose. Right now, i have something to lose, it's either this or that. Clearly i know what i want more, but that special someone can make me change my whole decision. Well, techinically, i think God will know what to do, he will lead me. He already answered my prayer for the payment, and my parents. I think it's try-outs then, wish me luck, still praying and hoping for a definate clear answer.

~totally wasted~


10:40 PM Wednesday, April 23, 2008


blossom

I missjudge you. I'm sorry. I made wrong assumptions about you. I shoudn't have done that. How foolish i am, to see only what's in front of me, but not searching further deep down in your heart about your intentions. From now on, i will try, but i might not succeed....

I need to get back on track, FAST. I've been falling, i need someone to catch me. Unfortunately, nobody knows i'm falling, because the pain and the hurt is all kept deep inside my heart. Even if you saw me walking down the street with all my friends, i was only pretending to be happy, put on a fake smile on my face that everyone tends to think i'm really happy. I wonder why a smile can make such a different. Sometimes, people stare at me, i'm pretty sure they are wondering why i wasn't smiling. Then they look at me and say 'you forgot to smile today.' Well, sometimes i'm just sick of pretending, putting on a show and live in my own lies. I AM SICK OF IT. Then, i force a smile, cause i know that will make you feel better, and it doesn't do anything to me, so i give in.

~the roses aren't that pretty~


9:59 AM


shocked

The glare at the window is hurting my eyes. At the same time, such a bright sunlight which provides warmth and comfort for people doesn't have the same effects on me. Instead, it pierced through my heart, shone my feelings to the whole wide world. Blind my eyes and my heart.

When the first time you glance it, you know you're gonna love it. No matter what, you know you're going to be the one, the one and only one. You're hopes are up, all your goals are there. But when the results came, you're not the one. Crushed, sad, depress.

I have to preserve my energy. At least, i can save it for friday. I want to do my BEST on that day.
BUt then, there's stuff going in between which confuse my decisions. I have to sleep. For the past weeks, i don't have enough sleep. I need to sleep. I need to drift away in a dream, that will hopefully bring me out of this reality, for once, i get to taste the paradise again, the hopes and the love in a dream. Hardly ever, i miss that.

Even when you're not here, your voice is still here. I can't live with it. The talking and the nagging and the trust. I know you don't believe what i say, then why bother making the effort to talk to me? and make me lie to you again? ... I don't know what to think. everything is contradicting each other. Please help me. I just hope i can get over this week. It's been though for me....really though.


~can't wait for it to be over~


9:26 PM Tuesday, April 22, 2008


madness

I DON'T UNDERSTAND!
how can one see such beauty in such disasater?
IT'S TOO IRONIC, AND CONFUSING!

My head is turning, my feet is stumbling. I can't get hold of anything. I really can't, not even you, not even myself. I need to get back on track, live my life with a purpose, resist all the temptation, have some self-control that i thought i used to have, I'm losing it all in just a second. This can't be happenning. I must be dreaming. Somebody, pinch me! I closed my eyes, hoping that everything would go back to normal. When i opened it once again, it ain't true. Everything is the way it is. I have to suck it up and change.

~gross me out~


4:14 PM Sunday, April 20, 2008


happy

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANKTHANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU Thanks!

I know you would answer my prayer. I had this strong feeling. Right now, I just had to hand it all over to you. You can lead me to wherever you want me to go. THanks.

It has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. One minute i was happy and excited, the other minute i was all crushed up and my heart is totally torn apart. I don't think this is healthy. But hey, everything's a coaster ride, so i get to enjoy it! whoa! whoa!

Again, i say thank you. Just hand your problems into his hands, God hands' he'll take care of it all. THANK YOU Thank you.

~thank you, i believe in miraculous happennings and happy endings~


10:48 AM Saturday, April 19, 2008


thanks

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.
Thanks for your overflowing blessing. Thanks.
You lifeted me from the miry clay.
You lifted me from the miserable.
You blessed me.
May i please ask you to bless me continously.
I would love to be the 13-15th player if it's your will.
Please, you know what's best for me.
I hope it's for the TTB.
please please please. I trust in you.
My prayer is answered.
I know you know what's best for me.
As long as i have the patience to wait.
Thank you. THank you so much.
I'm so happy now :)
I'll pray to you again.
Cause i know, you love me.
You know what's best for me.

My GOD is an everlasting God.
My GOD LOVES EVERYONE, yes including you.
And i try to love him back too.


8:39 PM Thursday, April 17, 2008


tears

The tears lingered in my eyes, slowly, ever so slowly, it leaks out and create an uneven wetline on my face. My nose turns red and my cheeks are puffy, my eyeballs are bursting of red veins. I can't stop it, I have no clear reason of crying, no definate conclusion or whatsoever of my reaction. I'm out of control.

I did it to myself again. I think too much, pretend too much, act too much, hide my feelings so often that now, i don't even know what i'm feeling. What i'm suppose to feel and what i'm feeling is two different things. They sometimes contradict each other, but they sometimes make a perfect match. It's confusing. I always try to feel what i'm suppose to, right now, i hid and suppress my feeligns so well that i don't even know how i really felt.

I lost myself in the misdt of finding myself. Ain't this ironic? Striving for perfection but ended up being a big time failure.

I cried.
I cry everyday to my sleep.
I cry from the inside out.
I cry to pour my heart out.
I cry to free my soul.
I cry to look sad.
I cry to gain sympathy.
I cry to make things work my way.
I cry when i'm happy.
I cry over compassion.
I cry over love.
I cry and I cry and I cry.
~you really can't hear my tears~


8:27 PM


Cravings

My cravings are stronger than ever.
I don't know what to think.
I'm eagerly waiting for email replies.
but none of them did.

Is this a wise choice?
What if i didn't make it in?
the money would be a waste, i know where i belong. i know what i'll have to work on
What if i did make it in?
I would have to pour our more money, but i have such memorable experience that money can't buy.
What if i make it red shirt?
I only have to pay training fee and have a good training course.

Please give me an answer. A clear answer. I'm lost. Don't know where to go or where to look

~you're never the best, you can never be the best~


11:21 PM Wednesday, April 16, 2008


ill

i'm so ill.
my soul, my heart, my nose, my eyes.
i'm sick. terribly.

but i still hope it's gonna be better tommorrow.


9:15 PM Tuesday, April 15, 2008


sleep over

Finally, i gather all the courage i could find, walked up to you, but still not brave enough to look at you in the eye, and asked you about the sleepover. Immediately after i finished my questions, not even a split second for you to think, you just rejected me. When the words 'NO' reached my ears, i know the posibility is pretty high, but i still can't believe my ears. I can't help it, tears started rolling down my cheeks, this may seem like a routine to you, but to me, i have no power over my tears, no matter how much i strain for them to not leak out, force myself to look fine, or sound fine, it doesn't work that way.

I cry over the tiniest thing, rejection, but i never cried over compassion or sympathy. I"m cruel, heartless, but soft and weak on the inside. I'm a fine piece of dark chocolate, hardcore and stubborn on the outside, but so fragile and crisp that anyone can break it even by a touch.

I can't even bear the thought, what were you thinking? I can't even cross the boundary, i'm crushed on the inside, but you think i was strong enough to handle the truth. Please teach me, i have to honor you, i think that means listen to you, so i always tell you what i'm about to do, my obedience, you take it for granted, my questions, your answers are not what i'm seeking for.

I guess it's just the way it is. There's nothin much i can do, i'm stuck here, living in my own world. Suffering or enjoying, nobody seems to care, neither do i. My life is pointless that's why i'm willing to sacrifice it to you, please use me. Use me well.

My first and only sleepover, i never get to go. Should i fret about it, i don't know.
~lost my childhood or what does childhood means? good memories? or sorrowS? ~


7:36 PM Monday, April 14, 2008


caged

The stalls are seperated, the white walls may contain writings or graffities or phone number. It may be a disaster or was once a perfect white washed sparkly stall, no matter what it looks, it gives me a comfort. I think it's because it has four walls around it. Some may say it's like closing yourself in, locking yourself from the outside world, but i say when i'm in there, the walls aren't real anymore. My imagination leaps higher than the clouds, my thoughts are wilder than the tornadoes, my actions are bigger than the big blue whales, i am myself, no one can define me.

I love being in the stalls, just sitting their replaying what i have done or said, replaying my regrets. Making decisions, I don't know, maybe it's the only place that i can be along from my parents and friends. The only time and place where i am alone. The walls aren't limiting my thoguhts, infact, they stimulate me. It weird, isolation gives me a chance to think and process. I'm weird. Yes i am.


I remember when you locked me behing the doors, i was crying so badly wanted to be let out. Instead, you left me in there, i gave up since i heard what you have said and ordered. You think i don't know anything, you think i'm stupid, somehow, i'm puzzled by the fact of your standard. I gave up the idea of escape, i then tried to make the best of it, in a stall. I learned to welcome darkness, accept reality, i didn't think learned anything about my mistakes. I don't remember what i did wrong, even till now, i'm so stubborn to listen. When i was in there, i learned to sob quietly and supress all my feelings, i also learned to pray to God at worst times. It works, i never did felt scared like all the stoy books are told, i felt comfortable, peace, quiteness. Yes, this is how it feels to be locked up. WEird but true.


I started to think about everything and anything. It doesn't matter wether i did it with my eyes closed or openned, it doens't make a difference, i can' t see anything. Sometimes, i wonder how do the blind make pictures? what do they think? they've never seent he worlds before, why can't we just make it a perfect picture for them? They don't have to live in the truth, they can't see anything. Whatever they think, they live in it! Ain't this COOL?


When the door opened, you picked me up, and continue to lecture me. Unfortunately, i've already learned how to plug my ears in front of you, my heart is closed. I'm dead towards you. I know that, you know that, so right now, you're accusing me of being like that. I guess it's my choice, but i'm sick of it, tired of everything, confused, i'm a selfish little brat, full of flaws, that stich with an intention that i am still trying to find. Please clear my mind, and save me from this quicksand, i'm sinking faster than you thought, my heart is already sliced open, i don't think there's any pieces left for you to break, what i need is a savior to save me from this miry clay. I'm praying, please pray for me too, i need rivival in my heart, in my soul. Please make me alive once again, i'm like a dead ghost roaming in this world, trying to find love, and hope. PLease pray for me.




~what are the effets of isolation?~


2:20 PM Sunday, April 13, 2008


a game to remember

This came to me the other day, and I wanted to share it with all of you because all too often we hear about the dark side of human nature and all the horrific events that occur as a result of people making bad choices. Here's a positive story well worth the read. Two Choices What would you do? You make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice? At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: 'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?' The audience was stilled by the query. The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportun ity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.' Then he told the following story: Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps. Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.' Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. His Father watched w ith a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat. At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher. The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game. Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first! Run to first!' Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!' Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home. All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay' Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third! Shay, run to third!' As Shay rounded third, t he boy s from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!' Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team. 'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'. Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day! AND NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces. If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the 'appropriate' ones to receive this type of message. Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the 'natural order of things.' So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process? A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them. You now have two choices: 1. Delete 2. Forward May your day, be a Shay Day. Be always with people who inspire you; surround yourself with people who lift you up. -Paramahansa Yogananda


~heartwarming~



10:34 PM Thursday, April 10, 2008


no emotions

Look at the world, and nothing can touch you. That is scary. Even the beggers on the street doesn't have your sympathy, even the girl at school who is an absolute athelic twisted her ankle and can never run again doesn't make you feel sorry for her, even the love of your parents can't touch you.

This is scary. Somehow, i feel that way. No, i can't feel anything, i have no emotions or whatsoever anymore. I'm numb, paralyze by the fact that everything people do is fake, it's just putting a show on the stage that is so called reality or the world we're living. Trying to please people is what everyone does, trying to be accepted is what everyone does. This ain't no game, this is an addiction, a habbit! When you realise all you feel is fake, and all you did was fake, you start to wonder where to find yourself. This leads me to another world, where i think to not follow people, to not be an immitation of others. Unfortunately, this world brings me lots of sorrow. Or maybe i took it the wrong way.

I'm lost, i'm confused. I don't know who i am. All i know is that i can't live without my God who has looked after me for my entire life. His love is unmeasurable, his blessings are overflowing. Right now, i don't even know the motivations of my life.

Life, my duty to live in this world, the price to pay to live in this world...it all sums up in the end. You will be judged according to how you live your life, my feelings about the world will be known, all my secrets will be openly exposed, everyone will know what i'm hiding, everyone will know who i really am or what i was before.

They say i close out myself to the world too much, i'm selfish. I admit it, but i don't understand whatcha mean by closing out myself to the world. Do you mean that all i do is think about myself? Or it's because of the fact that i don't talk to people that often?

~tell me is it good to have emotions & tell me how does it feel~


7:03 PM Tuesday, April 08, 2008


NO?!

I knew i wasn't suppose to expect anything. I knew that you're going to dissapoint me. I knew that it was just too good to be true...but...i also knew
that i have to ask you and get a direct answer from you
that you wouldn't say no

I thought it was going to be a relaxing camp and maybe some summer romance flirts or just hangout with your loves one. But no! Run twice and hike a day! It isn't that bad but the tone you put it was like it's serious business, this is training, not any other sports. Hello?! You forgot the promise you made? What about bball? The look in your eyes, the look on your face, i'm drowning and dying to know what are you thinking. I hope you can see through my broken heart and realise how much your word means to me. It's far more than you think, you have the power over me that my parents doesn't even know. The way you touch me, talk to me, just looking at me, asking me, it's all so confusing because you know physchology and know how to use it well.

Sometimes, i just wish i could hug you. I really wanna hug you. Even though i hate you, i love you a lot. And hate is a strong word, i shoudn't use it since i don't hate you. Ok, i'm frustrated about the way you treat me. well, maybe you are too. But i just wish you knew how much i need and dream about it so badly everyday, i can't take my mind of the 'ball'.

What do you think i'm doing this for? Just to fool around. Damn you.
~it maybe over in you, but definately not in my heart~


4:22 PM Saturday, April 05, 2008