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MAYBE IT'S TIME
TO LET YOUR WALLS DOWN
& LET LOVE SHINE
just for you

LOVE it, HATE it, It's all yours.

mistakes you knew,
i've made a few

~it's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance; it's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance; it'sthe mind afraid of losing never learns to give; it's the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.

~i just can't see things working out the way i planned them in my head. so forget it, i'm running.

~sometimes you have to break the rules and stand apart ignore your head and follow your heart.

~acknowledge me or lose me forever.

~what we do doesn't define who we are, what defines us is how we rise after falling down.

~don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

~you're so unpredictable and i'm so typical. i tried to sell you a heart before you saw the world.

~sometimes i can't believe my eyes. i want to stare up and get lost in the city lights because i've had enough and this is the end and now i understand that a heart breaks, it does not bend

~how are we expected to live in a real world when more than hald of the people living in it are fake?

~ dreams are the only place to where everything seems to be perfect, nothing is out of reach and everything you want, you have

~things happened for a reason, tears eventually fade and one day everything will be exactly how its supposed to be; moving on is a process, you have to promise yourself you're really ready to let go.

~ im thinking its a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they perfectly alligned.

~guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will and outlive the bastards.

~there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

~liars can't tell lies apart because they believe that everyone is always lying, just like them. they never trust in others.

~when you are in love, you can't fell asleep because reality is better than your dreams.

~some people come into our lives and dissappear; while others stay for a while, make footprints and we'll never be the same again.

~it's not love that hurts.it's the infatuation with what we so blindly accept as love that hurts.true love should never have to hurt.

~sometimes it's easier to day i don't care than to explain all the reasons you do.

~maybe sometimes it's a good thing to stumble. because there's a better way to stand. maybe sometimes we cry. because laughter cannot hide the worst.

~fake a smile like nothing is wrong. talk like everything is perfect. act like it's all a dream. pretend none of this is hurting. just so maybe i'll actually start to believe the lies in between.

~you'll never know untill you try. you'll never try until it's too late.

~someone will always catch you when you fall. and it won't always be who you thought it would. the people you think love you most might watch you fall, wait, and then congratulate you when you find your own way back up. this doesn't mean they love you less. they just know that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

~i'd give it all, everything and anything, but i wouldn't give up just like that.

~the best you can do is do the right thing. the second best you can do is the wrong thing. and the worst you can do is nothing.

~fight for the things you love, love the things you're fighting for.

~i'm not the person i use to be, i admit, a lot of shit got to me.

~in my heart if someone tells me i can't do something, i'm gonna do it just to prove i can.

~be the best you can be, and the worst without being get caught.

~when you get to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on.

~it's too late to walk away, because i've already stumble. and i'll keep falling, until i hit the ground-again.

~don't give up when you still wanna try. don't wipe your tears when you still wanna cry. don't stop asking questions if you still wanna know.

~the simplest things we tend to ignore are the simplest thing that matters so much more.

~only tears know how to remind us, we all break the same.

~i want to make a decision, but i forgotten how to chose.

~and here i go again. thinking about what i. could have done. would have done. should have done.

~living up to the expectations without cracking the pressure.

~how many times are you going to let someone say they'll never do it again before you realise they will.

~i've built a wall. not to block anyone out. but to see who loves me enough to climb over it.

~too often, the things you want are the thing you don't have. desire leaves us heartbroken and wears us out. but as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are the people who don't know what they want.

~it's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you ever wanted.

~under my feeling. under my skin. under the thoughts from within. learning the subtext of the mind.

~find grace in in mistakes

~with love and grief in mind, not yet ready to give all in and crumble.

~when something unexpected comes, just pick it up and run.

~you closed you eyes. that's the difference. you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. it you're ever going to have other people to trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too. even when in the dark. even when you're falling.

~did i make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

~simple dreams are the most painful because they seem so reasonable, so personal, so attainable. always close enough to touch but never close enough to hold.

~when you can lean on no one else, you'll find yourself.

~if you want what you've never had, you have to do what you've never done before.

~it's one thing to understand, but another to accept.

~staring up at the stars at night. i'm satisfied to know although we're million miles away, we sleep under the same sky.

~two stars blinking in the vast blue sky, shining and making signals, seem so close yet so far.

~sometimes you just have to run, and never turn back until you've reach where you want to be.

~just because you deserve it, doesn't mean they're gonna give it to you, you have to fight for it.

~if you don't understand silence, you don't deserve words.

~don't be so quick to judge, i only chose what to show.

~one of the hardest moments in life is deciding whether to give up or to try harder.

~when you have everything you ever wanted, that's when you have somthing to lose.

~you really shouldn't say i love you unless you mean it. but if you mean it, you should say it a lot. people forget.

~what done is done, i can't change time. but i'll be damned if i'm not gonna try.

~the trouble is, if you don'to risk, you risk even more.

~you have to learn to push through your fatigue even when you're tired.

~there's a reason why you're gone this far, just be yourself.

~somethings are meant to be broken, imperfect, chaotic. it's just the way the universe provides contrast.

~screw it. or love it.

~we spend time telling ourselves that everything happens for a reason. when in reality we give reasons for everything that happens.

~something simple as words can have such a strong affect on feelings.

~never say sorry for saying what you feel. that's like apologizing for being real.

~sometimes you don't know you've crossed a line until you're already on the other side.

~eyes are the doorways to heart, where all the love resides.

~if you love someone, you would be willing to give up everything you have. but if they love you back, they'd never ask you to.

~torn between a world of hates and a world of dreams. so much to lose, so much to gain, so much to fight for, so much to change.

~optimism means expecting the best, confidence means handling the worst.

~i took a chance, took a shot. you might think i'm bullet proof, but i'm not.

~if you believe it's in my soul. i'd say all the words that i know. just to see if it would show. that i'm trying to let you know.

~and then i remember to relax and stop holding on to it. everything then flows through me like rain and i can't feel gratitude for every single moment of a stupid life.

~sometimes to move forward, you have to look back.

~the more you care the more you lose.

~broken into pieces but no one can see it. you won't believe, i have nothing left to lose.

~behind my smile is a hurting heart. behind a laughter i'm falling apart. who you see isn't who i really am.

~capture my feelings in a box. make it glass so the world can see. seal it up. do not touch. the vulnerability i behold is beyong my control.

~when life offers a dream so far beyond expectations, it's not resonable to grieve when it comes to an end.

~you bite your tongue and pretend that you're made of stone. you never let it show, but honey, everybody knows.

~give up what you can't keep to gain what you can't lose.

~if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

~dance to no music, love without fear.

~love does things for reasons that reasons cannot understand.

~if it is true love, fight as hell for it because it's worth it.

~seduction is destruction, love is a function, sex is a succession. put your powers to seduce the showstoppers and make them the jawdroppers, gear into love without being a disfunctional relationship, and get down dirty if you reach the right level of feeling cause sex is no reduction even in this recession.

~there is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness.

~don't worry about not falling in love, in fairytales, they fall in love in the last page.

~almost lovers always brings heartahce.

~if you don't go after what you want you'll never have it. But sometimes, what you want is not what you need, and what you need may not be what you want.


knock yourself out.

February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
September 2010
October 2010
December 2010
January 2011
February 2011

thank you.


BUSTED

I'm so busted right now.
I can't do MATH.
I haven't practice piano.
I haven't study for SCIence.
And i totally don't get Biology.

My weekend is going to be crappy.
Filled with studying.
The sun is out, flipped my heart inside out.
I want to run, get lost in the air, with dandilions flying around my hair.
And sky so blue that made me feel so relaxed.

I'm tempted.
And i'm so BUSTED.

~temptation and resistance~


12:12 PM Saturday, May 31, 2008


supressed


I really don’t know what to think anymore. I feel like writing down all my feelings in an invisible ink, so that nobody can read it, not even myself can identify the pen that I used to wrote nor the markings that are left on the wall from the invisible ink.

What am I suppose to feel? What am I suppose to think?
These questions ponder my heart everyday.
I have no other choices; I don’t even know what my choices are.

I can’t stand it anymore; neither could you stand my attitude for another minute. I put on a mask everyday. Always trying to put a show, a decent show, so that people would respect me, trying to create a fake reputation or a first impression that you’ll never forget. Yea, that’s my job. Always trying to be that somebody, that I don’t even know myself anymore. Maybe I don’t even exists.

Just let me go, ignore me for one day. I don’t cry because of the pressure in my life, I cry because there’s a need for me to cry. I need my space so I can cry myself to sleep at night, staring at the black sky, drowning in the silence, the world where nobody cares who you are. God wrap his arms around me, clothed me with his robe, cover me, be my shield. I need one, I’m calling out for one. Cover me up, soak dry my tears on my face, they can’t stop rolling down, for thousands of reasons out there, for nothing out there.

Why do you always expect me to suppress my feelings? Or maybe I’m the one who doesn’t share my thoughts and my feelings, which led to this kind of outcome. I’m really confused. Just let me go. Please let me go, I beg you. This is driving me insane. I’m turning my gears, going down the crazy road.

You don’t even know my worries, or the reasons I cry for. And you just acussed me on the outside because of what’s happening on the surface. I’m sorry, I don’t know how to react to your words, so the only ting is to break down and cry. I made the wrong decisions, it made matter worst. I guess I’m so used to crying that I couldn’t even control my emotions.

Crying, doesn’t change the situation. But it does make me feel better, wether you comfort me or not. I just like to cry. Ever thought or crying as a hobby?! When I shed tears, I asked myself: why am I crying? I can’t even understand myself.

Somehow I think I can handle it, But when it comes to the pressure that you put on me, you don’t even know what I like. You assume me like everybody else did. My priorities are different than yours, completely opposites. Of course we clashed! That’s pretty obvious.

Right now, I really wish those 3 years can come quickly. Past in front of my eyes in just a split second. And I get to move on, to where I really want to be. Three more years. How long would it take? 3 Years. How long does it feel? 10 years? 1 hour? Just like yesterday? All I know is that, I have to sacrifice something to gain something that I don’t even know if I really like or not. Ain’t this sad? I’m taking a huge risk here by making this decision. But I’m already broken down into pieces. I can’t even cry aloud in this household, can’t even burst out laughing for not reasons. I have no emotions living in this household. I really don’t know what to do, how to explain, how to say. I want to get out of here, I don’t think it would be easier. But I think I might be happier. Or maybe not. That’s the risk. I have no better choice.

I’ll hand my life to you, wherever you take me. Make me stay there. Because I want your will to be done. Bless me, Love me, Comfort me. If this Is it, then let it be. If not, I can’t wait to get out.

Just to let you know, tears are running down my cheeks non-stop while I was writing this. And I have a stuffy nose and eyes that are bulgy from crying. My hair is all over the place. I looked at my reflection, I like my tears. I love crying in front of the mirror, You should try that.. It reflects the reality, at the same time, you own image.




~dare you to look into my eyes~


11:36 PM Friday, May 30, 2008


unbelieveable

I was undecide: to go or not to go.
My decisinons depends on your existance, this is sad but true. I don't want to be a loner, in the crowd of people with familiar faces. That kind of feelings are the worst.

Anyways, i didn't expect it to be me. Thank God for everything. Blog sometime later.





So i was undecided wether to go or not to go to the athlete banqueet. Some people take it as a formal event, but other just wear shorts and a T. They serve you pizza. How formal can you be? Wear a dress and sweat like crazy. I just wore a grey jacket and jeans.

I was late again, so much for blabing about being on time. It was relaly hot. I was on time, but nobody was in the cafeteria yet. So i went in and set with the 'track' people, because they are closer to the pizza. Some brought their girlfriends, others were fooling around, joking around, some brought their camera and are busy snapping capturing the right moment.

We went and get pizza, i stuffed myself with 4 slices! And one can of pop! I'm so fat right now, i don't even bother to run anymore after the city finals were over. After all the food and camera-ing, we quiet down for the awards. You looked at me and said i'm going to get something, i thought you were lying. There's no way i can get something, i'm not even that atheletic, although i do try my best in everything. You said go look for myself, i didn't want to, my friend did, and they came back with a smirk on their face. Right then, i knew something was going on, but i'm too lazy to care, too stuffed up to bother or move an inch. I pretend like nothing happenned.

They started announcing the names, explaining the policies and how you get an award. Bla Bla Bla. Then everyone clap, because it was over. Yea, that's how we atheletes rock, just like that! There were junior achievement, senior achievements, re-wins, athelete of the year. I thought i was going to get a plague of junior achievement. But i waited and waited, my name wasn't called. I was shocked. How can i not get the junior achievement and get the trophy for the athelete of the year. That's just nuts. Unless my friends were making fun of me.

When they started announcing the atheletes of the year, i was called. I walked up to the front, with a hidden smile on my face, shook his hand, smile a little said thank you. BOo YA! The trophy was mine. I went up, trying to restrain myself from bursting out into laughter. It just felt good. And it totally boost my confidence. Now, i just realised what confidence is, and what accomplisments are. It's not what you think it is, there's a total complete meaning underneath, as long as you read between the lines, and think about the situation.

I guess i'm suppose to thank you? But i'm really saying thank you, because you gave me a chance to boost my confidence. That feel so great! I've never felt that since so long ago. I don't even remember.

~thank you~


11:20 PM Tuesday, May 27, 2008


distance apart

I slept at 1 am.
Woke up at 7 am.
Thought i can do hurdles.


But you came late.
So much for expecting and hoping.

I'm so tired right now.
Loads of stuff is piling on my head.
Multiply into a big dump.
Pressuring my ownself.

Pray for me. I miss you.


~just a little more love would do~



5:05 PM Monday, May 26, 2008


shop till i drop

I was fantasizing about my plans tomorrow in pursuing them to bring me to the mall. I want to hunt my short-shorts down. I went on the internet and looked for the prizes, found some cheap stuff that really is my cup of tea. Can't wait for tommorrow. Although i didn't finish my homework, i still decided to take a break, hey, fashion is still fashion, clothes are still clothes, homework, procastination, but i'll complete it for sure.


Yea. Went to church. Went for lunch. Went to the mall. I went to all my favorites shop, but i can't find anything. The internet lies! The short-shorts that i've been dreaming all day.... are crushed. I can't find a single piece of clothing that look likes that, not even close! I can't believe i let my hopes up again, and just let it fall from the high cliff. I hate the fact that i'm so naiive.


I went around the mall, hunting desperately for shorts. It' s either too short, too tight, or too big, too awkward, or the pattern i don't like. Haih.

Finally,
i
was
so
desperate
that
i
settled
for





second
best.


These kinds of shorts.

They're ok. Not perfect. But acceptable. Even my mom knows that i'm desperate for shorts. But the point is, i'm not the kind who always show skin in school. Sometimes i feel violated when people stare at your legs, not that i have perfect legs but i do get those stares which always raise my self-conscious. That's why i don't even know if i will ended up wearing it for school or outing. But definately for running. LOL. or maybe my camping pajamas. That would be cool.

Yea, that's what i do in my free time. Fantasizing. Dreaming.

~never satisfied nor contempt~


Can i blame you?

No I CAN'T.

Why?

Because you're my parents.

It's like everytime you see something is wrong, my face just pops into your head, you immediately assume it's me. I'm tired of defending myself, so i just let you assume all you want, label me, define me however you like. Sometimes, you're right, sometimes you're wrong, i refuse to speak, or to tell you how i feel. I'm so numb, that i don't even have feelings in this family anymore, well, at least not on the surface. I take you guys for granted. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I take you for granted because you're my family, you'll always be there for me, if i can't take you for granted, who can i lean on? strangers and random people that i met. Maybe i was a little overboard, but still. Fine, not buts.

I'll just shut up right now, it doesn't make any sense for me to keep on rambling on and on. Close my eyes, squeez out the last drop of tears and make my heart stronger and harder, just like a shiny metal that will soon turn dul when exposed to oxygen. I'm bottling everything up, have been doing it for years, it doesn't make a difference. I can't even see through the muddy water anyway, can't make it clear what i was grumpy about, i may hold grudges, but it'll eventually settle to the bottom of my heart and left forsaken and forgotten, everything will soon past.

Time will tell. Things will change.

~when you call my name, it's always something i hate~



3:50 PM Sunday, May 25, 2008


Crush on you

I used to have a crush on you, but then it faded away, and i tried to let it go, because i knew it wouldn't happen. We're not even friends, haven't even exchange a word, and yet i can still have a cursh on you madly. This is so crazy, i'm outa control.

Just the moment, you spit it out. Once again, i'm crushing on you, this is so insane. i had an immediate crush on you just because you said that. Even i myself can't believe that i would let my heart do that. Any girl would be so lucky to have you, i know, you probably wouldn't have any feelings for me.

Just let my imagination run wild, and let my fantasies....i can't go anywhere, because i know the posibilities are too low, that i can't even imagine we ever being together. I hope we can be best friends. I really want to get to know you more, so badly, desperately, i do. If you would just look into my eyes while i talk, you might get the whole message, if i could just look into your eyes while you talk, but you didn't look back at me. Haih, so much for telepathing. LOL.

Let's just say, when i'm crushing, i'm outa control. Acknowledge me, or lose me forever.

~let's be best friends~


10:45 PM Friday, May 23, 2008


Infatuation




I went to church today, finally. I know, i usually find excuses to not go. I actually have a lot of stuff to do this weekend, infact, i have lots of work to catch up, but i decided to just give my workload a break, and go to church, to see what's happenning, since i've already promise them that i'd go.

We had bible study. I don't have a group so they just put me in a group. My group wasn't that interacting, it was quiet. Eveyone is closing themselves out, well, not sharing. I guess you can't really share when you don't know each other. I sat beside you, i don't have a choice, i'm sick of all the politeness 'after you', 'no after you' . I just sat on the chair beside you without a word or a smile on my face. I can't help it, but to take glances of you. But, our eyes never met, they never did. The silence is comfortable but a little awkward.

After all the discussion and some experience. News about you leaving became the topic. It was interesting, since i haven't been in contact with everyone for so long. I didn't know you were leaving. I kept my ears wide open, but the thing is, i can't stand it that you don't look into people's eyes when you talk, or maybe just not to us. I heard that you're leaving, to a place, packing a whole trunk of stuff. Finally, they blurted out the place, California Berkeley. Man, i couldn't believe my ears, so many questions shot out like canon in my mind, but you pretend it wasn't any big deal. Well, guess what, i really want to get into that school, or some other top ranking. I never knew that you aimed for so high, just like me, good for you that your dream came true. That's the motivation for me right now, i have to work for it, just like you did. No matter what, i have to. I want to go to >Univertisy of Toronto/California berkeley/Standford/California Berkeley. That's my dream, unfortunately, my motivations kind of goes up and down. But somehow, it's so close yet so far, right now, thanks to you. I have the motivation to work even harder and remind myself what i need to work. But even if i didn't get in, i would be happy staying here. It's just, that's a better choice for me, i think, or maybe not. I really don't know.

May God guide me, lead me Lord, show me your plan, make me understand, one thing, i lay down my life for you. My life is in your hands, i really have no power, no control over my decisions, i really don't know what to do, sometimes, i don't know what you want. Please, make me understand your plan for me, and teach me how to live a life that is worthy. Please, i want the wisdom and the understanding. I pray for those. Please, and the biggest of all, teach me how to love. It's like my brain and my thoughts are shut out from the world, how am i going to reach other when i close myself in ? Lord, please lead me your plan. It's totally up to you. I know the pathway is going to be rocky, winding, steep, but Lord, give me the strength to continue the path. I want to walk till the end, to meet you. Yes Lord, i want to walk it, motivate me to walk the road with faith, hope and love. I need it so desperately now, because i know i'm powerless. I can't do anything better. Thanks for caring me so much, after all the times that i turned my back on you, i thank you that you never dumped me away. I'm totally not worth for your time investment, but you love me so much, that nothing can come in between. Teach me how to love like you have love me, please. Lord, make me have wisdom and understanding to make wise decisions and say wise things. Thank you for all your blessing, you're truly the one and only God.



~you captured my heart once again~


10:13 PM


WOW - SHOCKED

I stumble upon your profile, read your conversations. I was recently shocked to know what you're thinking, quiting the team?! No way. Just because you wouldn't be the star of the team anymore, doesn't mean you have to quit. You're good at jumps and other stuff. Why not try it? I really don't get it.

This just proof so, my theory is right. It takes a lot of guts to lose. It takes courage and determination to continue training even though you're gurantee to get last in the race, it takes your whole reputation to get last in a race that you've freakingly trained hard for about half a year. That, takes a whole lot of guts, i bet you guys don't even have it, i don't even have the guts to do it too. For those who did, congratulations, you're really STRONG & DETERMINE.

Just because you won't be on the 'star' team, doesn't mean you're not valuble to the team. Dumbass, if you run, we get points, how hard is that, the team with more points win. So we need you! You omay not like what you do, but that's how a team works, with sacrifices and glories. Together we work as a team, we can make something better.

I, myself, chickened out too, i have already thought about races that can gurantee a spot. Yes, i'm such a wimp. At least, i don't quite, cause i ain't QUITERS! I know i can't do anything about you making the decisions to quit, but i hope you realise, it's not about winning or powning, it's about loving the race, enjoying the race. And just RUN it, Run it, bastards. Everyrace have a winner, and a loser, you're not always going to be the winner, neither the loser forever. But to get what you want, you have to work for it, and sometimes, you learn some lessons on the way to the top of the stairs. I learned mine this year, hope to learn more in the future.

I suck, i didn't even push myself when i know i could have done better, would have done better, should have done better. At least you did all you can do, there's other races for you to pown :)

~dare you to train to lose for something you care~


10:58 PM Thursday, May 22, 2008


LOSING MY SMILE

Right now, I think I permanently lost my ability to smile. Eveytime i look into the mirror, it's not the girl i want to see. The saness in her eyes can't be ignored, i swear, it wasn't intentional to look sad. My eyebrows arch in a way that is just too complex to describe. I question myself whatssup. And i can never find the answer in my own reflection, i don't think anyone else can define me or label me when they see me. The sadness is just too harsh and cold, dealdy to describe, no words can fit it all.

Even i myself want to know why i'm so sad, why i'm so depressed, i have everything i want, at the least, i'm not suffering, but i know one thing. I'm living in my lies which i hate terribly much but i can't let go. I've been trpped by lies, caged by the lies i told. Living in my own lies, putting on a show, till then, i myself have been fooled by my own lies. I can't tell lies and truth apart, the consequencse of being a liar.

I remember when i was young, smiling is just my natural reaction to everything and anything. I wish i'm living those kind of moment, because i just know smiling makes everything seem better, no matter if it's fake or not. A frown just darkens everything. So smile to yourself, smile for the world, just smile.

I'm stoned, waxed, to not have a smile on my face. Please melt me in your arms, make me smile once again. Open up my eyes, let me see the things unseen. Cheer my heart andn put a drop of joyful medicine in it, bless me with all your blessings.

~looking for a smile further than a mile~


11:36 AM Tuesday, May 20, 2008



Making my way downtown, walking fast, faces past, blending in the crowd. Trying to keep my head up high, trying to keep my head down low, just trying to blend in, is extremely hard. My eyes are stinging, droplets of tears started to form on the corner of my eyes. I looked up to the sky, preventing the tears from rolling down my cheeks, sucking in all the bullshit from my nose, made a loud sneeze, i can't take it anymore. Tears gushing down my cheek, i let out a groan, mumble all my secrets to people on the streets, people staring at me, dare not day a word, or give me a comment. I can't help it, i need to let it all out.

I can't get my message across, so i now i'm stuck with this. Even if i did get my message across, i know you too well, that i know you'll reject me once more. Since i was young, i learned my lesson, but i kept on giving you chances to prove what i assume was wrong, and i was always wrong to give you a chance, to give you a stepping stone closer to my heart and pierced the arrow right through the target. I was totally wrong, out of the target.

You know what to say, where to touch, so that i don't make a fuss, and gave you a second chance. I don't see any wrong about that, but the results or the outcome is always contradicting to what i expect, and as usual, it always bring my hopes up high, dreaming about all that, and then crushed it right at the bottom at my feet. Then, you didn't help me to pick it up, you watch me, mock me, ignore me, wait for me to pick up and clean my own shit, because maybe you knew i was stronger to do it myself. But just to tell you, it won't hurt to know that you're always there for me, right where i want you to.

Once again, i made a wrong move, to give you a second chance. But i really thought you deserve it, and so i let you prove me right. but it isn't what it is. I won't promise that i'll shut you out of my life, because you're too important to me, i may not show it, but you are. So i have to give you all the chance that you want, as long as you're having fun breaking my heart and watch me picking the loose pieces up again and again, taping it all together into a brand new, mending all the scars so that you can break it again once more. But what you don't know is that, i get stronger everytime i clean up my shit, thanks to you.

~pop the ballons & watch me fall from the sky~


9:48 PM Monday, May 19, 2008


SUGAR HIGH

The weather is flaming, burning, hotter than ever, even hotter than summer. For the first time, i can't stand the heat alone. It's burning my back, cooking my flesh, tanning my skin. I'm going BROWN!

STUFF I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO HAVE FOR THE SUMMER:
  • flip-flops (white, grey, black, brown)
  • tank tops (teal, black, white, grey...)
  • short sleves shirt (teal, light blue, apple green)
  • short-shorts (dark blue, white, plaided, black, brown)
  • bikinies or halter necks (brown, dark blue)
  • comfy shades (white without frame or black with thick frame)

I was desperate for shopping to get all these stuff and get ready for summer, or at least look good in the summer. I want it so badly, the weather and the heat is killing me inside. I need ice lemon tea! I need fresh squeezed lemonade! I need ice-cream! I need something that is cooling.

Glad that you forgave me. I know i have a temper, and i don't know how to control it. Emotional coaster ride, ups and down. I have it so often right now, loops and immediate turnings, breaks and sudden stops. It's all coming together, fomring an uncontrollable roller coaster ride that would scare everyone around me and freak everybody out! Yeah!

~let me cool down~



11:12 PM Sunday, May 18, 2008


turn the clock back


I was nervous, about being last. This race, is a lesson for me to learn how to lose. Losing is hard, harder than you think it is, it's harder to be a loser then to be a winner. You can just push yourself to your hardest limit and you've won the race, but losing is another matter.

I lost because of my low-confidence, not because of my ability. I can do way better than that. I lost because i thought i couldn't do it, i thought i would be flat after the race, and not made it to the last 100m. Or lose to other girls during the 100m. I hate that, so i conserve my energy. Unfortunately, the outcome isn't what i wanted. Because when i crossed the finish line, i wasn't tired, i wasn't dead, i wasn't wasted, i wasn't used. I hate it. My confidence killed me, this is the second time, what can i do to make it better? Crossing the line knowing you can do better, SUCKS!

That, is the worst feelings you can ever get.

I crossed the finish line, my legs wasn't tired, i can still stand and see everything clearly. I was tired of course, but i knew i wasn't running my best, i wasn't even trying. This is just sad.

I should have done better, i could have done better, i would have done better if i knew the feelings i get after i crossed the finish line in this pace. I need to hide my face away, i'm ashame of myself. I didn't even try my best to make it the very best, even though it's my last race.
I rather feel tired at the end of the race, at least i know i did the very best i can.


NOTE TO SELF:

TRY your BEST EVERYTIME, YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR LIMIT UNTIL YOU PUSHED YOURSELF FURTHER THAN YOU THINK YOU CAN.


A race that i'll never forget, i race that will haunt me. I can't leave it behind, i learned my lesson. I'll try not to repeat my mistakes again and again. I never knew a race can teach me that much. It's more than a race to me, it's my attitude, and the motivation behind it.


~worst race ever~


10:32 AM Saturday, May 17, 2008


Prayer is needed

I need your prayer know. Make a difference, at least try.
Pray for me, pray for the world, pray for the people you love.
Pray, Pray, Pray.
To let what has to be done, be done, what is left to do, is done.
Pray for me about tomorrow's race.
I need your prayers, bear in mind, and think about the ones you love.
Bless them with your prayers.
And they'll be thankful.
We shall be thankful too.
Let's believe, love and have hope in everything we do.
I believe i can do it, if you want me to and if you grant me the strength to do.
I believe because i know you have the power over me, let me be obedient to you.
I hope, because i know that's what keep me going,
running to the finishing line without taking a break in between.
I love, because love is everywhere, and you're love.
You made me from love, teached me how to love.
I can't live
without
having faith in you,
having hope as a fuel from you,
loving you and loved by you.
Lord, please bless me for tomorrow's run.
Please show me a path that would make me understand why i'm running.
Thank you, blessed me with your wisdom, and your understanding.
Thank you Lord. Thank you.
~prayers~


10:17 PM Wednesday, May 14, 2008


what?

You are always there. I can always expect your presence and take you for granted, but today. When i stepped into the room, you were't there. There was a sub! You never take a leave without telling anyone, you're never sick, even if you are, you'll still come. Something must have happenned, i'm guessing it's your health. But wierdly, i can sence your presence around the room. And i was right, you were there this morning, HA! I heard the story but i want it to come out from your mouth. I hope to see you later and know the true story of what happenned. I didn't know i need to see you everyday untill today. So many people came into your room, walking out with a dissapointed face, a long face with a sorrow smile. See how much your impact is?









OMG. I walked to the classroom. The door was closed. Right then, i peeked in. I saw a guy sitting on the black comfy working chair. Where are you? Is everything ok? I'm worried about you. At least some notice! I'm deciding wether or not to write an e-mail to you, but then i asked someone and they say you're gonna be back tomorrow. So, i'll see ya tomorrow. I really want to know what happenned. Seriously.






~undecied~



11:57 AM Tuesday, May 13, 2008


Spark

This is written by you, quite a while ago. I can't help it, reading it makes me understand, deep down inside, the guy you are. I've never wanted you more than this, i'm all over you, i'm crazy over you, i can't help it. You tripped me without even realising, i fell and still faling, waiting for your arms to catch me, and maybe i can just grasp you tightly in my arms and never let you go. Hold onto your scent and look into your eyes, silence carry over our shoulders but it doesn't mater, i know what you're thinking, you know what i'm thinking, let's just make it happen. This is my fantasy. Nothing but building castle in thin air, the thin polluted air with all the particles and carbon monoxide that confused my thoughts and made the whole world a haze, till i can't see you gaze, or intepret your thoughts. I can't help but think, who's this girl that caught your heart...i so wish it was me, but that is just impossible. Still hope to get to know you better and find out who this girl is.


You wrote:

It feels awkward, yet heart-warming
To have these sincere feelings, for you
How do I deal with this belief?
I can't even think straight writing this,
It is all but a cloud of thoughts and dreams
Of me wishing that i could tell you
How much you mean to me right now, and
How I would do anything in the world
For you to notice me in the way i noticed
In you.
It's just.. I'm lost for words when i see you,
And I'm too afraid to look into your eyes.
But just having you nearby makes me smile.
In every moment, you're always there in my mind
as the first thought early in the morning
to the last going to bed at night.
It's everything about you that
I admire so much
and have the highest respect for.
So ______, you're my princess...
What I'm saying here is the truth..
Because I've never been so into a girl as much as you
Yet I cannot go any furthur..
Because deep inside, I know it wouldn't work,
Nor will it ever happen..
Just knowing that pierces my heart and empties it.
I can't count how many sleepless nights i've had
With me sitting there, silently in sorrow
All I can do is wish you for the best, and as long
As you're happy, I'll be happy too.
I hate that I'll have to put on this mask,
To pretend that this is all but a hope and a dream.
But, in reality.. it is..
We can't be anything more..
Nothng more than just.. friends.
~who's this girl~


7:55 PM Monday, May 12, 2008


never tasted romance before


I can only hear what you have to say about 'romance'. I never had romance before, i haven't had a sweetheart before, i haven't tried loving someone before, i don't know how it feels like, i don't know what are the cost, and what are the consequences, what you're suppose to do, how you're suppose to handle. I have no idea, i'm totally clueless about 'romance', but not 'love'.

Love and romance is different, completely two ends of a magnet but are inter-related. I guess, i think. Tell me if i'm wrong. Love is unconditioned, love is everything, love can cover up even the darkest mistakes and unleash you like you've never felt before, everyone needs love to survive. Romance is just a roller coaster ride, with someone you admire, or someone who caught your eye, there was this static and electric where you're not connected to earth anymore, the law of gravity is forbidden. You can fly and soar, do anything you want, flirt or dance, flash and jump, stand and sit, low and high, scream and whisper...pleasure first, then the guilt might come, crush you down and slam you right in the face is the bare truth of 'romance'. On the other hand, love is always for the good of someone, it's when you're willing to put someone first before your ownself, trust me, true love rarely exists in human relationship, but not to say there isn't, it's just rare, and hard to find. But when you get hold of it, it will be with you forever, this is the beauty of love, forever love, nothing but love, love rules over hate and past mistakes. Love, is the cure to everything, is bigger than anything you can imagine, the power of love is majestic, superb. Love is when you're willing to die for someone, 'romance' is only taking advantage of someone and just for the sake of reputation or some other intention. Love is unconditioned. No rules or laws can ever limit the love you give, or the love you received. Love is not by force, it comes from a pure heart, and is never out of stock. Love is in the air, breathe it in, live for it, die for it, love.

I just read what i post. I believe i just conviced myself i don't need romance.
This is bullshit, of course i need to taste romance.



~just a taste of romance would do~


10:30 PM Sunday, May 11, 2008


kiss cry kiss


Just felt like these pictures. Suddenly felt love, suddenly felt crushed. But i don't believe that love doesn't have happy ending, i believe love is always good if it comes from the pure heart. Relationships, when i see someone together. I think about you, what about us? But then, i remind myself that i wouldn't awake love until the time is right. When it's the right moment, it'll come to me. It's a promise. I just have to be patient for the perfect one.

I'm not the type to get my heart broken,
I'm not the type to get upset and cry,
'Cause I never leave my heart open,
Never hurts me to say goodbye,
Relationships don't get deep to me,
Never got the whole in love thing,
And someone can say they love me truely,
But at the time it didn't mean a thing.
My mind is gone, I'm spinnin' round,
And deep inside, My tears I'll drown,
I'm losin' grip, What's happenin'?
I stray from love, This is how I feel.
This time was different, Felt like I was just a victim,
And it cut me like a knife, When you walked out of my life,
Now I'm in this condition, And I've got all the symptoms,
Of a girl with a broken heart,
But no matter what you'll never see me cry.
Did it happen when we first kissed?
'Cause it's hurtin' me to let it go,
Maybe 'cause we spent so much time,
And I know that it's no more, I
shoulda never let you hold me baby,
Maybe why I'm sad to see us apart,
I didn't give to you on purpose,
Gotta figure out how you stole my heart.
My mind is gone, I'm spinnin' round,
And deep inside, My tears I'll drown,
I'm losin' grip, What's happenin'?
I stray from love, This is how I feel.
This time was different, Felt like I was just a victim,
And it cut me like a knife, When you walked out of my life,
Now I'm in this condition, And I've got all the symptoms,
Of a girl with a broken heart,
But no matter what you'll never see me cry.
How did I get here with you I'll never know,
I never meant to let it get so personal,
And After all I tried to do, S
tay away from lovin' you,
I'm broken hearted,
I can't let you know,
And I won't let it show,
You won't see me cry.
This time was different, Felt like I was just a victim,
And it cut me like a knife, When you walked out of my life,
Now I'm in this condition, And I've got all the symptoms,
Of a girl with a broken heart, But no matter what you'll never see me cry.
This time was different, Felt like I was just a victim,
And it cut me like a knife, When you walked out of my life,
Now I'm in this condition, And I've got all the symptoms,
Of a girl with a broken heart, But no matter what you'll never see me cry.
All my life!

~cry~


10:11 PM Saturday, May 10, 2008


happy mother's day


Time. I spend some time and made you a bookmark, for all the 'work' you have done for me. I say thank you, i say love, i say thank you for your love. So much to say, so little to express, no words that tell what i mean, no voice can be heard. I love you, mommy. I hope you know that.
~mommy loves me no matter what~


5:39 PM


tears

Tears in my eyes start forming. I really don't know what to do. I can't believe i let homework outweight the chances of fellowship. I relly think there's something wrong with me. I can't list out the pros and cons, cause Jesus doesn't die for me because i'm worth it, i'm totally not worth it. And right now, i'm letting my workload climb on top of my head. Man, i'm weak.

I can see why me not going is such a bid deal to you, your my dad, you did your job. But i chose not to, because you can't even see the difference even when i read it or not. Isn't it ironic? Or maybe you really don't know me? I don't even know myself, i don't blame you. I made the wrong decision, i'm falling, you tried to rescue me but it doesn't work, cause you can't even reach me, the invisible wall around me is building up, higher than it has ever been, closing me out from this world, eating me up silently, chewing my hearts into pieces. There's no way my voice can get past throught these thick rigid walls, they echos in my ears, repeating what i just said, bouncing off the wall is my reflection of my past mistakes.

What can i do? What is left for me to do? There might be a whole lotta stuff waiting for me to be done. BUt i just can't see it, i'm like a ball, rolling down the stairs, keep on going down, because gravity exists. I wonder how does it feel like without gravity? I wonder how does it feel like when all your burdens are lifted away from you? And the walls around me are torn down? And my voice can finally be heard? My face can finally be seen.

Interesting. I don't smile nowdays. I remember when i was a kid, i used to smile to everyone i see and just random strangers on the street. The good thing is that, everyone replies with a smile on their face no matter how retarded they look. Right now, i don't know where i kept my smile. I tried searching it high and low but it just isn't anywhere, what i do it too much, too busy to make time to find myself. People still look at me, maybe my sadness in my eyes just flow out to them, trying to touch their hearts, it's kinda obvious that i'm sad. And when i smile, it's too fake to be real again. The frown had stayed too long on my face, i need to get it off before it's permanent. But how?

People keep asking me 'are you always this sad?' or they just stare at me. Sometimes you'll see me happy. But sometimes, it's just like that, nothing more could be said. A joyful heart is a good medicine, i guess i'm really sick right now, i can't even think, my thoughts are all jumbled up like chromosomes and DNA in our cells where nobody can really understand how it works, or even come close to an interpration of what it is. I changed, big time.

~restore the smile on my face~


7:52 PM Friday, May 09, 2008


goals


Watching the city lights bluring in front of my eyes, drowning in the complexity of the world, without an understanding of what is real, what is not, i just want to run away. But my legs don't bring me far, my heart won't pump more blood into my body, i have a limit, i need to take a breakm and stop. You were in front of me, it seems possible to catch up to you, and just run by your side, but i just don't have the guts to do it. Yes, i'm a loser, I can't push myself to my top limits, because i'm scared that my top limits is not the very best, and that is sad. That when i push my hardest limit, i still can't be like you. I have no idea why i want to be like you, I really don't.

We look so alike, yet so different. Some say we're the same person, some say we're not even close to being sister. What is it? It doesn't matter anyway. But out of curiosity, out of curiosity again. Why can't we just live without curiosity? It would be so much easier. We won't ask more questions, or research anything else. Once we do a reaserach, the more you discover, the more you know how little you know, more questions uprise, float onto the surface that makes you wonder. It's a never ending process because we forget what we did in the past and we repeat it again, like history is meant to be repeated.

I was tired, but i'm still doing it. I don't even know what i'm aiming for. I look into your eyes, we lock each other for a second, and we look away. I wonder what that means. I hope it means something. I can't believe you hit on other people so quickly. Haih, or maybe i'm just missing the important details! I really don't know what to do. I have no life. I have no love.

~i need revival~


6:35 PM


random

1.What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling them how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
telling someone how i feel


2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry?
I'm afraid i get mad everyday, for random reasons, and i cool down immediately and forget about everything that just happenned.


3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call?
I wouldn't waste my time phoning 'people' who puts me on a waiting list and it would take forever for them to rescue me, by then, it's probably too late. I would concentrate, focus and make a prayer.


4. You are at the doctor's office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
I'm going to die right now! shhh...i won't tell anyone, or else they will treat me differently. I will make my days worth, and pray, pray and pray, that i will die peacefully.


5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love or Trust?
Definately LOVE, because love includes everything, everything needs love.


6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not?
Actually, i'm not sure...


7. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her? Why or Why not?
Let's just say i tried my best to love my spouse, but people make mistakes, i make mistakes. I would definately tell him. If i managed to tell him, he should be able to forgive me, at least i didn't lie to him. In which case, i could techinically keep it a lie, i've been lying my whole life, but if i really love him, i refuse to do so. Truth overules.


8. Your best friend of the opposite sex confesses that he/she has feelings for you more then just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you do/say?
Depends how i feel about him.


9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?
This is a ridiculous question.


10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
I hope so.


11. Does love = sex?
DEFINATELY NOT !!


12. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?
Not long ago. It was that special someone, what i told her is a secret.


13. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a friend, you love them or that you do not love them back?
Nothing. My friends and i have no secrets. We know what we hate, we know what we love.


14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
I wouldn't choose to give up, i can only be forced to give up.


15. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who were they to you?
My friends


16. Imagine. it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?
MJ


17. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?
Definately, but people usually don't let me do it. Oh, and i would pray for them too.


18. You are holding onto your grandmothers hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death?
I would pray waiting for a miracle to come, because i believe.


19. Are you old fashioned?
Somewhat.


20. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?
Always do.


21. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all?
Love always have it's unique happy ending, it's the time that kills.


22. If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?
To make my life worth

~random~


7:09 PM Monday, May 05, 2008


the one that counts



You told me how much you love me. I know that, but i just can't believe that you would think i don't love you. Maybe i didn't show it, i guess, people really can't see through your heart. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or what, but right now, it hurts.


I don't show that i love you doesn't mean i don't. Even if i show that i love you doesn't mean i do. People do things not because they mean it, they do it because they have to or that's the way they are suppose to do it. I'm not blaming everyone, but some people do do stuff sincerly from their heart. Unfortunately, those who do it just because of pride or a show had blind us, people walking on the street. We're tricked by their show and their stunning performance whereas the one that truly comes from the heart doesn't seem so perfect in our human eyes anymore. I think we can only know as time goes, which one will rott.


How can we live in a real world? When half of the people living in it are fake? Including me. Absolutely fake. I'm not even real, my heart is as solid as stone, not like ice, cold and icy but when heat is there, it will still melt. Mine is a rock, a rock that is burried underground and had sufferred all the consequences. My emotions are compressed till i'm numb, i can't feel anything anymore. Nothing, zeuk! My heart is empty, nothing can fill it, only the love of God can make it whole. Yes, i need LOVE. I cannot live without LOVE.


~attempt~


11:45 PM Sunday, May 04, 2008


realisation

What i night. It has been so long since i have a really great and enjoyable and meaningful night, in church. There was a musical skit, entitled 'the missing piece'. It was great. Cause i haven't been to a play for so long and i love watching plays! Who doesn't?

The actors were okay, average, because i know they can do way better but it's still refreshing and relaxing to just know that the church is rising again, climbing to a higher place, awaking the devil that is guarding the church, and recieved such blessings from angles that are high upon the heaven. God really blessed tonight's performance. It also reminds me of what i'm living for, and the missing piece in my life.

Everything is just pointless in life if you don't know where you're going. Maybe you feel that way too when you have a bid dream or a big goal. Still, your heart is full of emptiness. Everyone questions what's the point of living on earth? To suffer? And suffer again later for the consequences of what i did on earth and go to hell? Or to enjoy short-term happiness? What is the point? Who am i living for? Myself? My love ones? These questions had been wondering on my mind for quite a while. As time goes by, God's mercy and grace guide me to the answer of these questions.

Even if you had all the money in the world, you can still feel empty and unsecure. Sometimes your guilt will haunt you and you're tied down by your emotions and paranoia. Seeking for human love and plessure doesn't satisfy you, the grass on the other side is always better. Studying and analyzing, answering questions but more questions arose from the answers, sooner or later will lead to never-ending questions. You have a degree, or you can call it a piece of paper, what does it prove? Are you going anywhere? Or do you know where you're going? Are you in control? Or you're just going along with the flow?

God is the mighty one. He created us, each and every one of us in a unique way. In his eyes, we're the best, we're the first. He love us a lot. He send his own son to die for us so we could be with him. God is the missing piece. It's hard to explain, we're born with sins, believe it or not. Even and innocent infant is not so innocent, sin is in our blood, but salvation is in our blood too. The good news is, Salvation is here to wash away all our sins and provide us a whole new life.
A life to live with true understanding and no regrets. I want to hand my life to him, i really do, but i always grasp it too tight and never try to let it go because i have a human mind. My mind is deformed, i've got to learn how to let go. I HAVE TO.

I want to live my life for him, or else it would be pointless. I want to live my life to testify, miracles that happenned to me. I want to give him my life, so that is purpose can be done. I want him to be the master of my life, because he knows what's best for me. I WANT HIM IN MY LIFE, NO I NEED HIM IN MY LIFE.

~i surrender~


11:00 PM Saturday, May 03, 2008


YOU

Deep down inside, my feelings for you start to grow. I start to think about ways we can get closer, get to know each other more. But then, when either of us make a conversation, neither one of us look at each other. Anyhow, i would love to know you more. Love, is to give the key to someone to crush you but trusting them not to.

You're SMART, OUTGOING, ATHETIC, HARDCORE, STUBBORN, GENTLEMAN, SOMETIMES A LITTLE STUBBORN...I can't make a list of you. It's not right to judge you without even knowing you. Besides, those are just what i see ont he surface, and LOVE IS UNCONDITIONED. I don't have to list the reasons in order to have a feeling or an affection towards you, it just comes naturally. I think.

Once again,
I REMIND MYSELF.
DON'T
AWAKEN
LOVE
TILL
THE
TIME
IS
RIGHT
CLEARLY NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME.


ABC's of FRIENDSHIP
A...accepts you for who you are!
B...believes in you!
C...calls you just to say hi!
D...doesn't give up on you!
E...envisions the whole you!
F...forgives your mistakes!
G...gives unconditionaly!
H...helps you!
I...invites you over!
J...just likes to be with you!
K...keeps you close to heart!
L...loves you for who you are!
M...makes a difference in your life!
N...never iudies you!
O...offers support!
P...picks you when your down!
Q...quiets your tears!R...respects you!
S...says nice things when you need to hear it!
T...tries to always make you smile!
U...understands you!
V...valuses you!
W...walks besides you!
X...XXX's for you!
Y...yells when you need to listen!
Z...zaps you back to reality!


~love~


5:36 PM


just a misunderstanding

It's just wonderful to have to back, as bffs again. I finally blurted everything out. Well, almost everything and it's like dumping a whole load of junk away, breaking free from the chains. I hope you feel so too, but i know you won't. Just to tell you, things aren't always to go your way. I learned my lesson, just want to advise you so you don' t have to experience the pain and trouble again.

Mutual understanding, i'll tell you when i need my time and space, you tell me your boundaries.


I'm sorry, i was wrong.
But i'll live and forget,
dance and sing along,
sleep and wake up,
fall and get up again,
TRY AND TRY AGAIN.
~besties for life~


8:12 PM Friday, May 02, 2008


hurt

I stare at you, trying to figure out what's between us. You returned my gaze and told me to stop starring at you. I denied and lied that i wasn't starring at you. Who knows, what you were thinking, who knows what i was thinking. Even though we're a good meter apart, i think you can sense that i was trying to send you a message. But i'm not clear of actually what i was going to say to you, i just felt like starring at you. I might be trying to figure out what's on your mind, but it doesn't matter anyways.

I ran, you ran. I complain, you listen; i defy, you advised;i cry, you lecture. We're too alike yet so different. I don't understand what's about our relationship. I thought you're my best friend, do you really think i'll backstab you? Do you think i will take something away from you because it's so precious for you? I myself think that we're so much alike, just like twins but not even close to sisters. We fight to get what we want, or what we stand, because we know, either one of us has to be the last or the first. There's no tie in this game, a win or a lose, we pick. After today, i don't know how can i confront you. Should i? Should i not? Is that the real you? I know you're smart, and your predictions of me are darn well because we're like twins, we have the same thoughts. But what can i do? Should i really tell you how i feel? I can see the invicible wall rising, our conversations are too fake that i'm too lazy to even talk to you, i can't believe this is happenning. Should i just let it go and pretend that the scar you created isn't there? But this is so hard to forget. Some say conflicts bond you even more, haih, it's too complicated. I don't know what to think. I need to see my reflection, you need to see yours, this may be our time, to make it clear, who is who and what's deep down inside.

I was crushed by the way you said it, this is the first time you backed down and let go.
I need to hug someone, no not anyone, you, i want to talk to you so badly.

~dare you to take of your mask and show it to the world who you really are~


10:33 PM Thursday, May 01, 2008