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MAYBE IT'S TIME
TO LET YOUR WALLS DOWN
& LET LOVE SHINE
just for you

LOVE it, HATE it, It's all yours.

mistakes you knew,
i've made a few

~it's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance; it's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance; it'sthe mind afraid of losing never learns to give; it's the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.

~i just can't see things working out the way i planned them in my head. so forget it, i'm running.

~sometimes you have to break the rules and stand apart ignore your head and follow your heart.

~acknowledge me or lose me forever.

~what we do doesn't define who we are, what defines us is how we rise after falling down.

~don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

~you're so unpredictable and i'm so typical. i tried to sell you a heart before you saw the world.

~sometimes i can't believe my eyes. i want to stare up and get lost in the city lights because i've had enough and this is the end and now i understand that a heart breaks, it does not bend

~how are we expected to live in a real world when more than hald of the people living in it are fake?

~ dreams are the only place to where everything seems to be perfect, nothing is out of reach and everything you want, you have

~things happened for a reason, tears eventually fade and one day everything will be exactly how its supposed to be; moving on is a process, you have to promise yourself you're really ready to let go.

~ im thinking its a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they perfectly alligned.

~guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will and outlive the bastards.

~there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

~liars can't tell lies apart because they believe that everyone is always lying, just like them. they never trust in others.

~when you are in love, you can't fell asleep because reality is better than your dreams.

~some people come into our lives and dissappear; while others stay for a while, make footprints and we'll never be the same again.

~it's not love that hurts.it's the infatuation with what we so blindly accept as love that hurts.true love should never have to hurt.

~sometimes it's easier to day i don't care than to explain all the reasons you do.

~maybe sometimes it's a good thing to stumble. because there's a better way to stand. maybe sometimes we cry. because laughter cannot hide the worst.

~fake a smile like nothing is wrong. talk like everything is perfect. act like it's all a dream. pretend none of this is hurting. just so maybe i'll actually start to believe the lies in between.

~you'll never know untill you try. you'll never try until it's too late.

~someone will always catch you when you fall. and it won't always be who you thought it would. the people you think love you most might watch you fall, wait, and then congratulate you when you find your own way back up. this doesn't mean they love you less. they just know that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

~i'd give it all, everything and anything, but i wouldn't give up just like that.

~the best you can do is do the right thing. the second best you can do is the wrong thing. and the worst you can do is nothing.

~fight for the things you love, love the things you're fighting for.

~i'm not the person i use to be, i admit, a lot of shit got to me.

~in my heart if someone tells me i can't do something, i'm gonna do it just to prove i can.

~be the best you can be, and the worst without being get caught.

~when you get to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on.

~it's too late to walk away, because i've already stumble. and i'll keep falling, until i hit the ground-again.

~don't give up when you still wanna try. don't wipe your tears when you still wanna cry. don't stop asking questions if you still wanna know.

~the simplest things we tend to ignore are the simplest thing that matters so much more.

~only tears know how to remind us, we all break the same.

~i want to make a decision, but i forgotten how to chose.

~and here i go again. thinking about what i. could have done. would have done. should have done.

~living up to the expectations without cracking the pressure.

~how many times are you going to let someone say they'll never do it again before you realise they will.

~i've built a wall. not to block anyone out. but to see who loves me enough to climb over it.

~too often, the things you want are the thing you don't have. desire leaves us heartbroken and wears us out. but as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are the people who don't know what they want.

~it's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you ever wanted.

~under my feeling. under my skin. under the thoughts from within. learning the subtext of the mind.

~find grace in in mistakes

~with love and grief in mind, not yet ready to give all in and crumble.

~when something unexpected comes, just pick it up and run.

~you closed you eyes. that's the difference. you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. it you're ever going to have other people to trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too. even when in the dark. even when you're falling.

~did i make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

~simple dreams are the most painful because they seem so reasonable, so personal, so attainable. always close enough to touch but never close enough to hold.

~when you can lean on no one else, you'll find yourself.

~if you want what you've never had, you have to do what you've never done before.

~it's one thing to understand, but another to accept.

~staring up at the stars at night. i'm satisfied to know although we're million miles away, we sleep under the same sky.

~two stars blinking in the vast blue sky, shining and making signals, seem so close yet so far.

~sometimes you just have to run, and never turn back until you've reach where you want to be.

~just because you deserve it, doesn't mean they're gonna give it to you, you have to fight for it.

~if you don't understand silence, you don't deserve words.

~don't be so quick to judge, i only chose what to show.

~one of the hardest moments in life is deciding whether to give up or to try harder.

~when you have everything you ever wanted, that's when you have somthing to lose.

~you really shouldn't say i love you unless you mean it. but if you mean it, you should say it a lot. people forget.

~what done is done, i can't change time. but i'll be damned if i'm not gonna try.

~the trouble is, if you don'to risk, you risk even more.

~you have to learn to push through your fatigue even when you're tired.

~there's a reason why you're gone this far, just be yourself.

~somethings are meant to be broken, imperfect, chaotic. it's just the way the universe provides contrast.

~screw it. or love it.

~we spend time telling ourselves that everything happens for a reason. when in reality we give reasons for everything that happens.

~something simple as words can have such a strong affect on feelings.

~never say sorry for saying what you feel. that's like apologizing for being real.

~sometimes you don't know you've crossed a line until you're already on the other side.

~eyes are the doorways to heart, where all the love resides.

~if you love someone, you would be willing to give up everything you have. but if they love you back, they'd never ask you to.

~torn between a world of hates and a world of dreams. so much to lose, so much to gain, so much to fight for, so much to change.

~optimism means expecting the best, confidence means handling the worst.

~i took a chance, took a shot. you might think i'm bullet proof, but i'm not.

~if you believe it's in my soul. i'd say all the words that i know. just to see if it would show. that i'm trying to let you know.

~and then i remember to relax and stop holding on to it. everything then flows through me like rain and i can't feel gratitude for every single moment of a stupid life.

~sometimes to move forward, you have to look back.

~the more you care the more you lose.

~broken into pieces but no one can see it. you won't believe, i have nothing left to lose.

~behind my smile is a hurting heart. behind a laughter i'm falling apart. who you see isn't who i really am.

~capture my feelings in a box. make it glass so the world can see. seal it up. do not touch. the vulnerability i behold is beyong my control.

~when life offers a dream so far beyond expectations, it's not resonable to grieve when it comes to an end.

~you bite your tongue and pretend that you're made of stone. you never let it show, but honey, everybody knows.

~give up what you can't keep to gain what you can't lose.

~if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

~dance to no music, love without fear.

~love does things for reasons that reasons cannot understand.

~if it is true love, fight as hell for it because it's worth it.

~seduction is destruction, love is a function, sex is a succession. put your powers to seduce the showstoppers and make them the jawdroppers, gear into love without being a disfunctional relationship, and get down dirty if you reach the right level of feeling cause sex is no reduction even in this recession.

~there is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness.

~don't worry about not falling in love, in fairytales, they fall in love in the last page.

~almost lovers always brings heartahce.

~if you don't go after what you want you'll never have it. But sometimes, what you want is not what you need, and what you need may not be what you want.


knock yourself out.

February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
September 2010
October 2010
December 2010
January 2011
February 2011

thank you.


embeded memories


December 31st, last day of 2008.

I wonder who invented the calender. Does a year mean anything? Does stepping into a new year mean anything? Does it mean change? Mind you, you can change anytime anywhere as long as you have your heart with you. But i definitely think it's a good thing to celebrate, the final of a year.

Cheers to the regretz!
Cheers to the good times!
Cheers to the mistakes!
Cheers to the impulse!
CHEERS!

Let's drink away. Put our hands up in the air and hit the dance floor. Let loose and just dance freely and not care about anything. Forget about the past, it's time for a new beginning, a fresh start. Hugs for everyone, kisses for our enemies.

WISH EVERYONE A HAPPY NEW YEAR!




2008:
In The BeginningWhere did you go on New Years? stayed home.
Who were you with? Family!
Did you kiss anyone at midnight? haha. no
Did you make any resolutions? nope, don't want to limit myself.

2008- Love Life:
Did you break up with anyone? nope
Did you get anything for Valentine's day? candy and love.
Did you fall in love? maybe, who knows.

2008- Friends and Enemies:
Did you meet any new friends this year? of course!
Did any of your friendships end? we grew distant.
Did you dislike anyone? don't think so.
Did you make any new enemies? hope not.
Did you resolve any fights? doubt it.
Who were your closest friends? my best friends!
Who did you grow apart from? people.
Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships? not that I can think of of

2008- Your BIRTHDAY
Did you have a cake? of course!
What did you do for your birthday? hung out after a good old run.
Did you get any presents? yea.
If so what was the best thing you got? love them all

2008- All about YOU
Did you change at all this year? pretty sure i did, subcontiously.
Did you dye your hair? nope
Did you get your hair cut? duh.
Did you change your style? Hair? Clothing? yesses and no-s...
Were you in school? duh.
Did you get good grades? i'm satisfied.
Did you have a job? nope
Did you drive? no
Did you own a car? i don't drive, yet.
Did anyone close to you give birth? no.
Did you move at all? no way.
Did you go on any vacations? yea, we all need a break.
Did you leave the country at all? yea, vacation.

2008- Wrap Up.
Is 2008 a good year? how do you define good. i'll be grateful and say yes.
Did 2008 bring any new insights? lots of 'em
Do you think 2009 will top 2008? who knows, i love surprises.

Confessions:
(x) was single for the whole year
( ) made out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
( ) celebrated Halloween
( ) kissed in the rain
( ) had your heart broken
( ) broke someone else's heart
( ) had a stalker
( ) mooned someone
( ) went over the minutes on your cell phone
(x) had a good relationship with someone
( ) someone questioned your sexual orientation
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) had an abortion
(x) have a relationship with someone you'll never forget
(x) done something you've regretted
( ) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under a mistletoe
(x) took an honors/advanced class
( ) broke the dress code
( ) sent to the principles office for misbehavior
( ) got straight A's
(x) met one teacher you really like
( ) met one teacher you really hated
( ) failed a class
(x) skipped school
( ) did something you were proud of
( ) discovered a new talent
(x) proved yourself an idiot
(x) embarrassed yourself in front of the class
( ) fell in love with a teacher
( ) intentionally tripped someone at school
( ) got lead in the school play
(x) made a varsity team
(x were involved in something you'll never forget
(x) painted a picture
( ) wrote a poem
(x) ran a mile
( ) listened to music you couldn't stand
( ) went to a sleepover
(x) went camping
(x) threw a surprise party
(x) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
(x) visited a foreign country
( ) cut in a line of waiting people
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren't
( ) partied to celebrate the new year
(x) cooked a disastrous meal
(x) lost something/someone important to you
( ) lied about how old you were
(x) prank called someone
(x) broke a promise
( ) fallen out of love back when i thought i was
(x) lied
(x) went behind your parents back
( ) cried over a broken heart
(x) disappointed someone close
(x) hid a secret
(x) pretended to be happy
( ) kissed in the rain
(x) slept under the stars
(x) met someone who changed your life
( ) met one of your idols
(x) changed your outlook on life
(x) sat home all day doing nothing
(x) pretended to be sick
(x) left the country
(x) almost died
(x) given up something important to you
(x) lost something expensive
(x) learned something new about yourself
(x) tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
(x) made a change in your life
(x) found out who your true friends were
(x) met great people
( ) stayed up til sunrise
(x) Cried over the silliest thing
( ) was never home on weekends
( ) got into a car accident
(x) had friends who were drifting away from you
( ) had someone close to you die
( ) had a high cell phone bill
(x) spent most of your money on food
( ) had a fist fight
(x) went to the beach with your best friend(s)
( ) saw a celebrity
(x) gotten sick
( ) liked more than 5 people at the same time
(x) became closer with a lot of people

1. Have you had any relationships this year? again, no.
2. Have you had your birthday yet? course!
3. Kissed two people in the same night? never.
4. Pulled an all nighter? no.
5. Puked at all? yea.
7. Went Camping? of course!
8. Bought something(s)? Who hasn’t?
9. Been out of the country? Yes
10. What are you thinking about? blankingout. OH. GOOD BYE 2008, hello 2009!


~muakz~


1:14 PM Wednesday, December 31, 2008


boxing day

A day SUPPOSEDLY designed for sales.
A day SUPPOSEDLY designed for shopping.

So much for all the hopes and wants. It ain't happenning in my family. Apparantly getting good deals and cheap stuff ain't their 'thing'. Yea, watching people rushing from shop to shop, buying things they don't need, workers trying to catch their breath, it was a huge sale due to the economy. Businesses are busy jacking up prices and putting on sales to attract customers.

customer: 'What a deal?!'
reality: 'what'cha need it for?'
customer: 'hmmm ....(thinking very hard)...nothing. but it's damn
cheap and i gain the advantage!'
reality:
'what would get out of buying something you don't need? (smacks head to a wall,
thinking that there's no hope in saving the consumer's money)'


Well. I try to buy stuff i need only but sometimes the temptation is too resisting and the offer is just nothing but delicious! We're people, we can never get satisfied, we have un limited wants and desires, we're never contempt, never. We'll never want to lose to somebody else, we're so afraid of losing that we ended up losing everything we ever had, how ironic ain't it? I always admire the people who can lose with their dignity up high, now that's classy. From shopping, you can really get to know a person.

~courage of losing~


10:40 PM Friday, December 26, 2008


christmas

!! MERRY CHRISTMAS !!







Christmas eve:

I woke up, still feeling the pain in my knee. It hurts when i bend, i can't bend or sit in mid-air anymore. I'm scared. I don't want anything to happen to me. I want everything to be fine, or back to normal.

It happenned yesterday, i was so bored at home so i deided to go for a run in the snow with my friends. The snow was about knee high. Obviously, i all geared up with inch of leather water proof boots, snow pants, sunglasses, thick jackets and last but not least mittens. When i started running, it was brutal. Onlt a tiny path was shoveled, so basically it's still a field of snow. At first i ran on the unshovelled part, bcause my boots doesn't grip and i'll slip, which isn't a good thing. Man, it's like running in sand. my feet are dragging and the air is cold, my nose is running and my fingers are frozen. But the scenary is just absolutele beatiful. It's pure white.


FIRST TRY: 5 min

SECOND TRY: 3.30 min

THRID TRY: 2.30 min


I was so gad on my thrid try. I can't believe i can do a lap in 2.30min with snow knee high. But then, i busted my knee. So i guess there's a price to pay in order to run in the snow. But i have no regrets, well, maybe a little since i have a busted knee! But it's what i've always wanted to do. and i did it. I'm glad i did it.

SO. on christmas eve, i did nothing much, can't go anywhere since we're snowed in (there were too much snow and the roads aren't plowed). I spent the whole day playing snow, and didn't spend a single penny. I made a snowman and i rolled a the body from the backyard to the front yard. That took a lot of effort and team work with my family, it was fun. And it was also the prettiest snowman i ever built by far, on christmas eve. I watched lots of movies, and just gamed a lot. Nothing much, no fancy prezzies or whatsoever, Just family time, or maybe free time for myself.







Christmas day:

I woke up and went out for a fellowship lunch service. I had lunch and later went for a walk around downtown. Funny how all the shops are closed, but there's still people walking around, hanging at starbucks for coffee. Coffee on christmas day? Don't you have a family to be with? Anyways, we went to a mall later to hunt for my glasses. Finally i found one that i like, so it's like my christmas present. By the way, I can't believe people still work on christmas. That's just sad, it's CHRISTMAS!

That's all i did. Pretty simple and plain. On top of that, got into a few arguements and fights.
But oh wells, 'nough 'bout me.
With y'll a MERRY CHRISTMAS.







JUST A RANDOM FACT: DO YOU KNOW WHAT CHRISTMAS REALLY IS?

IT"S ABOUT THE BIRTH OF JESUS CHRIST!





~follow the star~


10:30 PM Thursday, December 25, 2008


wishlist

SANTA- i hope i'm good this year.
  • dark colour coat
  • white vaio laptop
  • pretty basketball shoes
  • black adidas winter boots
  • time. time. time
  • hugs. hugs. hugs
  • kiss. kiss. kiss
  • love. love. love
  • best friends.
  • family

It's winter break. And guess what i did at home? Absolutely nothing productive. Nothing. Besides the pretty fluffy snow outside my window and in the backyard, i did nothing. I laid on my coah, fed on chips-chocolates-popcorn-candycane-almonds-fudge.... That's how i spent my first day of winter break and i already got bored of it. The only thing i love is lying on the snow, making a snow angel, and watching the fluffly snowflakes land on me, the quiteness, the whiteness, the innocence and brightness is unbearably amazing. I love snow. I may soud pessimistic, but hey, i'm just whinning. But a little shopping spree won't hurt me right? I just game and eat all day. I feel like a slug already. I want to go out and run, but the snow is till my knee! Unfortunately i can't built a snowman nor have a snowball fight because the snow is so fragile and too dry. I keep on thinking about you, i wonder what are you doing? ps. i think i love you, but i'm holdng myself back, from loving you too much, before i get outta control. love ya

~merry christmas y'll~



11:11 AM Tuesday, December 23, 2008


oh yea, always


OH YEA. I ROCK.

I ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANTED,
but not what i deserve,
i deserve way less.

Honestly, you might think it's luck or whatever superstitious reasoning, i don't think so. I think GOD bless me a whole lot more, without his love and blessings, i cannot live any longer. It'll be miserable, it's just unexplainable. I mean, what are the odds? NONE, zeauch, zero, nothing, but it happenned, for a reason. Is it meant to be? We'll see, time will tell, definitely.

I feel so blessed and loved, and somewhat spoiled that i usually get what i wanted. Well, i always get what i wanted when it really comes down to business. Hey, i pick my battles, i'll lose some and win some, ain't no big deal. Besides, i can't win every battle, gotta compensate a little, let other people shine, cause they deserve it.


Let's just say, i'm really really happy today. Even though i have crap lots of work waiting for me to be done, i'm over the top to care about anything right now. I can't believe this is happennning to me. You must be wondering WHAT happenned to me, that made me flipping inside out. Honestly, it ain't a big deal, but it's just the odds are close to nothing, that i'd never expect or even ask for it to happen, but i did hope, as proven my wishful thinking works. Dreams to turn into reality, miracles do happen.


THANK YOU. even though i don't deserve it.


~incredibly amazing~
EDIT:
I just realized, i'm jealous of you. I think i am. I always tried to avoid it, or make myself feel better by saying that i'm obviously better than her. But in reality, this ain't true. I used to be on par with her, but now, she's over me. I need to start working hard, i need to push myself to my limit, work my butt off. I have to, i want to be like YOU. I can't bear this anymore, no improvement, this ain't right. I maybe a little distracted, and relied on other people, losing my independence bit by bit everyday. Right now, i'm gonna pull myself together, make it through, clean and clear. I don't care what you say anymore, i need to work towards my dream, i have to make it there before this year ends. Nough said.


11:41 PM Monday, December 15, 2008


remorse and guilt wrapped up in a package.


"you're lieing."
"you're lieing- to your parents. "

LIES. This word struck me. My life- are surrounded by lies, are filled by lies. I'm really sick of all that covering and secrecy. I just wish, i can live honestly. I lie because i don't want to you further question me or have another 'talk', i lie because i want things my way, i lie because .... there are endless reasons to all these. One lie leads to another lie, covering up the lies, and you end up in a never ending lieing chain. I hate lie-ing, i really do, i wish i can live honestly.

Everytime, i feel remorse after lie-ing, but i never change. I'm such a coward, i can't face reality nor accept the consequences. I'm not going to blame my parents for placing bars or limiting my freedom, they are my parents. I think they love me and i shouldn't argue with them. I mean, i'm gonna grow up one day, and they still miss the kiddy times. No doubt, i'm young, but i'll let them have it this way first, i'm not ready to grow up, yet. But, i'm really sick of lying. And it always seems like i have no choice, i always plan out everything. I'm tired of it, i'm utterly sick of it. Please forgive me, i want to beat myself up, for telling lies. Funny thing is, i lie to my parents the most, actually, i think they're the only ones i lie to.


OMG. I just realised i only lie to my parents! What is wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me? I thought family are suppose to support you and give you the encouragement you want, and be honest with you. (ps: my family fails in encouraging people.) Is it true? You lie to the people you love the most? NO, HECK NO. I think i'm paranoid and oversensitive to them. They're really good parents, but i think they control too much and set too much ground rules. Well, technically, they didn't say it out loud, but i just knew they wouldn't allow me. It's like the unspoken words had taken over the conversation. I have to stop lieing, maybe i should start obeying my parents ground rules, and not twisting around the truth. I'm sick of it, really sick of it, now that i realise i only lie to my parents. The guilt and remorse is even bigger, i can't look them in the eye, i need to change, i need redemption. I hope they forgive me.


I'm sorry mummy.
I'm sorry daddy.
I'm sorry.
Please.
Forgive me.
And continue to shower me with LOVE.


~spinning lies~


10:58 PM Wednesday, December 10, 2008


just relax



I'm so friggin happy. I feel exhilirated.
Thank you so much. I feel grateful.


I went to practice as usual. I haven't run for a while. It's been like a four day break with no exercise whatsoever, i feel un-fit. I know this may sound crazy, but i do work out every single day. Yea, i'm a girl with pipes! Don't you dare touch me, i'll smack you down before you're one feet away. HA!


During the run, i feel tired. I kept on glancing over, shit, she's still in front of me. Somehow, i'm not commited. I can't do it anymore, i blame it on my shoes, but honestly, i know it's deep within me and the people around me. Looks can be so deciving, i can't even tell.


I relax and really put on a 'i don't care' attitude. Not that i don't care, it's just i'm not worrying or fussing about it. And guess what? It worked! I know what to do now. I'm so glad i pulled myself together. Don't fuss or worry before anything happens. Don't put your worries over nothing, but be cautious, always. Just keep hanging, hanging in there, and then when it comes down to business, give it your all. I meant, your ALL and rock it out to the BEST!



I'm over the top.I'm so happy.Thank you God for teaching me a lesson, to just sit back and relax.Thank you, i love you.Thank you so much, you don't know how much this means to me. Yes, i know, i'm so giddy and happy right now. You dont' even know my hearts flipping and tripping over nothing, nada. hehe. I can't believe i'm letting this control my whole emotions, stupid me.




~hyped~


10:02 PM Monday, December 01, 2008