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MAYBE IT'S TIME
TO LET YOUR WALLS DOWN
& LET LOVE SHINE
just for you

LOVE it, HATE it, It's all yours.

mistakes you knew,
i've made a few

~it's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance; it's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance; it'sthe mind afraid of losing never learns to give; it's the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.

~i just can't see things working out the way i planned them in my head. so forget it, i'm running.

~sometimes you have to break the rules and stand apart ignore your head and follow your heart.

~acknowledge me or lose me forever.

~what we do doesn't define who we are, what defines us is how we rise after falling down.

~don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

~you're so unpredictable and i'm so typical. i tried to sell you a heart before you saw the world.

~sometimes i can't believe my eyes. i want to stare up and get lost in the city lights because i've had enough and this is the end and now i understand that a heart breaks, it does not bend

~how are we expected to live in a real world when more than hald of the people living in it are fake?

~ dreams are the only place to where everything seems to be perfect, nothing is out of reach and everything you want, you have

~things happened for a reason, tears eventually fade and one day everything will be exactly how its supposed to be; moving on is a process, you have to promise yourself you're really ready to let go.

~ im thinking its a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they perfectly alligned.

~guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will and outlive the bastards.

~there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

~liars can't tell lies apart because they believe that everyone is always lying, just like them. they never trust in others.

~when you are in love, you can't fell asleep because reality is better than your dreams.

~some people come into our lives and dissappear; while others stay for a while, make footprints and we'll never be the same again.

~it's not love that hurts.it's the infatuation with what we so blindly accept as love that hurts.true love should never have to hurt.

~sometimes it's easier to day i don't care than to explain all the reasons you do.

~maybe sometimes it's a good thing to stumble. because there's a better way to stand. maybe sometimes we cry. because laughter cannot hide the worst.

~fake a smile like nothing is wrong. talk like everything is perfect. act like it's all a dream. pretend none of this is hurting. just so maybe i'll actually start to believe the lies in between.

~you'll never know untill you try. you'll never try until it's too late.

~someone will always catch you when you fall. and it won't always be who you thought it would. the people you think love you most might watch you fall, wait, and then congratulate you when you find your own way back up. this doesn't mean they love you less. they just know that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

~i'd give it all, everything and anything, but i wouldn't give up just like that.

~the best you can do is do the right thing. the second best you can do is the wrong thing. and the worst you can do is nothing.

~fight for the things you love, love the things you're fighting for.

~i'm not the person i use to be, i admit, a lot of shit got to me.

~in my heart if someone tells me i can't do something, i'm gonna do it just to prove i can.

~be the best you can be, and the worst without being get caught.

~when you get to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on.

~it's too late to walk away, because i've already stumble. and i'll keep falling, until i hit the ground-again.

~don't give up when you still wanna try. don't wipe your tears when you still wanna cry. don't stop asking questions if you still wanna know.

~the simplest things we tend to ignore are the simplest thing that matters so much more.

~only tears know how to remind us, we all break the same.

~i want to make a decision, but i forgotten how to chose.

~and here i go again. thinking about what i. could have done. would have done. should have done.

~living up to the expectations without cracking the pressure.

~how many times are you going to let someone say they'll never do it again before you realise they will.

~i've built a wall. not to block anyone out. but to see who loves me enough to climb over it.

~too often, the things you want are the thing you don't have. desire leaves us heartbroken and wears us out. but as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are the people who don't know what they want.

~it's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you ever wanted.

~under my feeling. under my skin. under the thoughts from within. learning the subtext of the mind.

~find grace in in mistakes

~with love and grief in mind, not yet ready to give all in and crumble.

~when something unexpected comes, just pick it up and run.

~you closed you eyes. that's the difference. you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. it you're ever going to have other people to trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too. even when in the dark. even when you're falling.

~did i make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

~simple dreams are the most painful because they seem so reasonable, so personal, so attainable. always close enough to touch but never close enough to hold.

~when you can lean on no one else, you'll find yourself.

~if you want what you've never had, you have to do what you've never done before.

~it's one thing to understand, but another to accept.

~staring up at the stars at night. i'm satisfied to know although we're million miles away, we sleep under the same sky.

~two stars blinking in the vast blue sky, shining and making signals, seem so close yet so far.

~sometimes you just have to run, and never turn back until you've reach where you want to be.

~just because you deserve it, doesn't mean they're gonna give it to you, you have to fight for it.

~if you don't understand silence, you don't deserve words.

~don't be so quick to judge, i only chose what to show.

~one of the hardest moments in life is deciding whether to give up or to try harder.

~when you have everything you ever wanted, that's when you have somthing to lose.

~you really shouldn't say i love you unless you mean it. but if you mean it, you should say it a lot. people forget.

~what done is done, i can't change time. but i'll be damned if i'm not gonna try.

~the trouble is, if you don'to risk, you risk even more.

~you have to learn to push through your fatigue even when you're tired.

~there's a reason why you're gone this far, just be yourself.

~somethings are meant to be broken, imperfect, chaotic. it's just the way the universe provides contrast.

~screw it. or love it.

~we spend time telling ourselves that everything happens for a reason. when in reality we give reasons for everything that happens.

~something simple as words can have such a strong affect on feelings.

~never say sorry for saying what you feel. that's like apologizing for being real.

~sometimes you don't know you've crossed a line until you're already on the other side.

~eyes are the doorways to heart, where all the love resides.

~if you love someone, you would be willing to give up everything you have. but if they love you back, they'd never ask you to.

~torn between a world of hates and a world of dreams. so much to lose, so much to gain, so much to fight for, so much to change.

~optimism means expecting the best, confidence means handling the worst.

~i took a chance, took a shot. you might think i'm bullet proof, but i'm not.

~if you believe it's in my soul. i'd say all the words that i know. just to see if it would show. that i'm trying to let you know.

~and then i remember to relax and stop holding on to it. everything then flows through me like rain and i can't feel gratitude for every single moment of a stupid life.

~sometimes to move forward, you have to look back.

~the more you care the more you lose.

~broken into pieces but no one can see it. you won't believe, i have nothing left to lose.

~behind my smile is a hurting heart. behind a laughter i'm falling apart. who you see isn't who i really am.

~capture my feelings in a box. make it glass so the world can see. seal it up. do not touch. the vulnerability i behold is beyong my control.

~when life offers a dream so far beyond expectations, it's not resonable to grieve when it comes to an end.

~you bite your tongue and pretend that you're made of stone. you never let it show, but honey, everybody knows.

~give up what you can't keep to gain what you can't lose.

~if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

~dance to no music, love without fear.

~love does things for reasons that reasons cannot understand.

~if it is true love, fight as hell for it because it's worth it.

~seduction is destruction, love is a function, sex is a succession. put your powers to seduce the showstoppers and make them the jawdroppers, gear into love without being a disfunctional relationship, and get down dirty if you reach the right level of feeling cause sex is no reduction even in this recession.

~there is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness.

~don't worry about not falling in love, in fairytales, they fall in love in the last page.

~almost lovers always brings heartahce.

~if you don't go after what you want you'll never have it. But sometimes, what you want is not what you need, and what you need may not be what you want.


knock yourself out.

February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
September 2010
October 2010
December 2010
January 2011
February 2011

thank you.


just dance


Lies, lies and more lies. I sometimes wonder, how can i survive without lies? Does my life really revolve around lies? I'm sick of it, i wish i have a secret identity where nobody cares. I wish i can be invisible...
We all got seperated. I didn't enjoy much because i wanted it to be like a hang out day. Apparently not, i have to sit there and listen. Somehow, it was quite boring, since i expect it to be more itneresting, or maybe i'm just the one who's not willing to pour out my heart. Honestly, i wouldn't pout out myself to a random stranger in the first ten minutes, unless i'm desperate in need for a talk, or comfort.

You wanted to sit with me during the ride, but i rejected you. Well, i feel so unreachable. I don't feel like giving you more, we're just friends, i don't want you to think more. I"m scared that you'll think it's more than that, and i'm sorry, right now it's just not the time.

When the lights are dim, the DJ started pumping the music. I was dragged to the dance floor, i'm not the kind of party animal. Straightforward, i don't know how to dance, but i can see in yoru eyes that you wanted to dance, and you wanted me to dance. You'd think i can let loose, but i can't. I asked me for a dance continously, and i turned you down repeatively, i sitll don't know why you kept on asking. And once you didn't even bother asking, you just grab my fingers and shook my around, i looked at you in the eye, and glanced away, i let lose from the grip and you let go. I'm really sorry, i feel bad for rejecting you, but i'm not ready to give in. Please understand this, i dont' belong to you, neither to anyone.

On the dance floor, all alone, people come and go. I don't know how to let loose, or shake myself out. My friends are dancing away, awkwardly, regardless of the amount of stares she recieved, i dont' care, neither does she. I was just going along with the music. I seriously need to learn how to dance, it's just not my thing.

There goes my dance virginity. So much for all that fantasies.
Maybe the guy just wasn't right there to spark the moment,
Maybe it was just me and my high expectations.
You decide, but you don't get to judge


~sorry~


2:53 PM Saturday, November 29, 2008


what is wrong with me.



I'm trying real hard. Like real hard.
But nothing ever works out the way i wanted them to be,
everything is
falling apart
falling apart
falling apart

so forget it i'm
running
running
running
away from all this shit.

I have to learn how to suck it up and clean up my mess. Is it true that i have higher expectations? But i know where and how far i can go, i know my limts unlike people who just keep on bashing and killing themselves. I know when to let go, when to push, i think. Gosh, i'm so confused.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but i'm absolutely sure that something's wrong with me. Ever felt this why, where the only thing you're good at had been taken away from you, the only thing you want and care have been crushed into pieces, and there's nothing, absolutely nothing you can do about it. It's over, you can turn the clock back, you can only make it better. That's what's happenning to me right now, i felt like part of me was missing, somebody, my very close friend, can also be known as my best friend, took this 'thing' away from me. Not that she intended to, but i can't bare it. I dont' know what's wrong with me, i know i can do better, but i'm just not showing or shinning. I just want to feel good, is that ever too bad? Is trying to feel good about something really bad?

I'm clueless, confused, trapped.
Now, i truly know how it feels, when you don't get what you deserve.
Or when you know you can do better, but you have nothing to do about it.
I'm mentally handicapped, it feels worst than sitting on the sideline.
I have to, pull myself together, this time, it's gonna be the thoughest one.


~just be myself~


8:08 PM Monday, November 24, 2008


strike a pose


Confident to strike a pose and be who you are.

I don't know what's confidence, i never knew. But that doesn't mean i never posses any confidence. It's just overbearing. No, i don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. Do i set unrealistic goals for myself? It may seem like i beat myself often, but i do know, that i can do the impossible when God's with me. I want this year to Rock!

I want to be the best, even when it means stressing out i guess. I really want to be the very best i can be. I don't want to settle for anything less, or anything more, I want to settle for what i deserve.

I know it's just a game, about confidence. I'm sorry, that you failed. Even when you tried to train my confidence. I'm sorry if i don't let you train me, or give my heart fully to you. I really don't know what else to do. But i do know you care for me. And thank you for the presents and everything else you gave to me. You time, th emost important one.
I still think there's still unresolved problems and misunderstandings floating around. I don't know where or when to start. Sometimes, i say the wrong thing. But still, i don't mind you trying to boost my confidence. But please, don't lie. Don't ever lie to me, i'm sick of all the lies. Thanks for not lying.

I don't know what i'm typing. All i know is, i hate confidence. It kills me the same whether i have it or not. When am i being over-confidence? How should i know? I never underestimate myself, but i do doubt my limts. That is all i want to say, hope you understand. I love you, coach.


~goodluck building my confidence~


3:19 PM Saturday, November 22, 2008


laugh it off.



click to enlarge.
enjoy and laugh it off.


3:01 PM Sunday, November 16, 2008


i'm fading away, soon.



In my mind, i weave dreams and set goals about where i want to go, where i want to be. They're as high as the stars, as tempting as they can shine, to motivate me. This is it.

My dream is to go to UOT, but i still have no clue why... It seems like the acronym, the word, the sound of the place. Full of city lights, and people buzzing here and there, though i've never set foot in that city, i've an obsession already. Somehow, i'm worried that it's not gonna be what i expected, nor what i dreamt of. It's gonna be a disappointment, as usual, a crushing reality that brings my hopes down again. That time, i'll have no one to comfort me, but i think i'll like it that way.

I feel like i need to run, i need to decide on my boundaries, cause things aren't going the way i wanted them to be. I feel like you guys just can't let go of me. I know it's hard, suck it up, learn from it, you don't know how much i have to opress my likes and desires just to please you, i'm tired of pleasing you always. I know you love me, i know you sacrifice more than other people. Thank you, but if you love me, you'll know how much this meant to me. You'll know, this is like my everything, the only thing that i've always wanted and always desired.

Don't ask me why i want to go there so badly. It's just my dream, out of no reason. I don't think this is a good answer. I'm trying to find out why too. Honestly, this urge came out of nowhere, i feel like i need to be there, but chase after something good. And bring some change to the city, there's so much to be done. Here, it's just too, dead-like. No enthusiasm. I'd love to get lost in the big city. I love to be invisible. This is me. It seems to be like you haven't understand me enough to know what i want, or maybe you do, but you just can't see me fall alone.

Throughout my expierience, i've been crushed enough, disspointed enough, to know, reality is not a pretty place. But it's okay, God loves me, God bless me. I want to know what are his plans for me, but it's so hard for me to find out. I don't know what to do. Maybe it's very obvious, but i jsut can't get it. Please, make it more obvious to me, i really don't know.

You rejecting my dream, is like strangling me with your care hands. I admit, i have huge dreams, far bigger than usual people. I have a desire, i need to be motivated by a higher goal. I want to earn big bucks so i can give it to the poor. NO, i won't give them money. I'll organize a banqueet, where everyone with tickets can come. I'll hand out tickets to everyone out there, all those who haven't had a decent dinner. And then feed them, and pass them the gospel. Though, i want to be anoymous in this business... I always think that people on the streets have a story behing them, everybody wants to help, but no one is listening to what they really want. I need to reach out to them, but i don't know how, nobody knew this side of me, i love them, the people on the streets, i never despise them by their filthyness...
Cause i bet,
you can't even survive a day in the streets!


~you won't survive~


9:36 PM Saturday, November 15, 2008


i am so blessed.

I'm so pathetic.
I only seek for your help when everything starts crashing down till i can't comprehend nor sustain anymore. I came in front of you, with my miserable look plastered on my face, shattered heart with pieces all around my lying like shit, desperately asking for help and a way out. I kept on praying, praying, praying, begging my family members, friends to help pray...

It would honestly take a miracle to get me out of this mess:
academic, emotional, mentally, physically, spiritually...

But the good news is, there's a LIVING GOD, and miracles DO happen.


Incident one:

I've been doing, not-so-great in my math. Lower than what i've expected. I tried everything, every single damn questions in the textbook and all other materials related to math that i have on hands. I did everything i possibly could. Too bad this ain't sport, where you can be satisfied with your feeling; in math, a grade/mark is given as an evaluation of either your 'intellegience' or your 'effort'. So, i've been doing not-so-well. Nobody's expecting anything from me, but i feel dissapointed, and i do admit i have pretty darn high standards. I feel so hopeless and helpless, i tried everything. 2 tests past and the results are still unsatisfied. Another quiz was due, it was prosponed again and again. I practiced the questions everytime before the quiz. This time, i'm seroiusly getting sick of it. And you can't blame my brain when the numbers and alphabets sink into my brain, i don't even need a calculator to know what's the answer already. I gave up, there's no point in re-doing it again. I went in and did a small prayer before i did the quiz, i was stuck. What can i say? Not a surprise, i kept on fiddling, checking and punching numbers into my calculator like crazy. Trying different solutions, by God blessings, i was able to somehow fiddle around and found the right answer. Thank God! I really don't know what to do anymore. I've tried everything. This just tells me that i'm working with the wrong attitude, at the wrong thing.


Incident two:

There's a meeting about tryouts. I was worried, scared, unsure. I really want to make it onto the team so badly. I looked around, so many people are joking around. I don't know if that's how they roll, or they're just acting to subside their true fears. Well, considering their skills & expierience compared to mine, i don't think there's a thing they should be worried. But when i he announced the amount of people he's willing to train, compared to the amount of people who signed up, i was relief for a moment. Only a few people are going to get cut, and this means i'm more likely to have a chance. I was so happy. And then later on, there's a deal, about having the opportunity to practice but no game time. Honestly, i don't give a damn to game time. It's just fun to watch, but my heart is pumping like crazy. I'm still not use to the game-like atmosphere, and the intensity.


There's more to be said and to be given credit for, but i don't have anymore time. I have a chemistry test tomorrow. I'm going to pray really hard, and i have a mid-gobling decision to make, which could possibly determine my future paths, or not.


~found what i've been missing~


11:22 PM Thursday, November 13, 2008


can i believe what i see?




It was advised, to only believe half of what i see, and never believe what i hear.

Is this true?

To only believe half of what i see?
Because we only see
what we want to see. Our minds are capable of decieving
us, making us believe that 'reality' is what it is suppose to be.

To never believe what i hear?
Because we always talk to
ourselves and convince ourselves, that everything
will turn out the way we want it to be, or demand it to be.

Can we live in a world, to only believe that everything we saw is half fake, and everything we hear, including the true 'i love yous' are lies?

NO. We can't. We live by love, only love will keep us going through the darkest times.

Love is above all, beyond the imaginary boundaries, far from what we expect.

If only i can execute what i say, keep my word and do as it says. My life would be so much more easier. If only, If only. Despite what i mentioned earlier, i still can't bare the image of you with her. It's funny how i don't know you, yet i want you already. Man, looks are decieving. They can spun lies and make assumptions. How? I'll just have to live with it.

Is everyone around me hooked up? Is there something wrong with me? I know i've always had low confidence, but honestly, i haven't found or met someone that i'm really really attracted to. That i'll make my first move. It's just, so so, am i suppose to settle for GOOD ENOUGH? or the BEST? Well, for your information, i'm not going to awaken love until the time is right. I won't chose love. Love choses me when the time is right. This is what i know, this is what i believe. I'll be patient, for i know, there's someone out there who is just the absolutely flawless and perfectionist for me, to me.

~be patient~


7:32 PM Monday, November 10, 2008


watching you slide past me


Why? Why? Why?

Always. When i looked at you, tried to catch what you're doing, i always caught you looking back. But somehow, i have a feeling that you're not looking at me, because you never feel shy to look away. Your friend too. I finally knew. I alway put my heart on the wrong side, give it away to the wrong person at the wrong time.

I either build a super high wall or trash it far far away when people actually try to find it and reach for it, i'm scared that they will hold it, kiss it then crush it. On the other hand, i always give it away to people who doesn't even give a damn to me, because i know they won't take it, so i guess that's why i'm willing to give. This is so meaningless. How would i know? How would you ever know? The silence hanging in between is just, too comfortable. I just want to hold you and hug you by my side.

Too bad. I've got to stop myself, turn my back to you, before i get my hopes up again. I'm sorry, for always dissapointing the people that cares about me, and waste my time caring about the people who don't even give a damn to what i say.

I'm blinded, by everything around me.
I just want to fall in love, maybe i already did.
Because i felt so contempt.
Yet, i'm seeking for love.
Clearly, it's already in the air.
Always existing and forever.


~everlasting love~


8:27 PM Thursday, November 06, 2008


crushed


I was eyeing you everyday. As usual, caring and wondering about.

Once, when i got all my hopes up. Actually persuaded myself in believing that this is true. Then it happenned again. Just like what i've expected, crushing and falling down all again.

You were standing in the hallway. Chatting with bunch of your friends, laughing and slapping each other's back. Then when i walked past you, i saw a girl tugging your arm in the middle of the crowd. I just went past you, without a flinch. But inside my heart, i screaming silently, shocked to see. I control myself from turning back, in case you'll see my undeniable expression. When i entered the room i tried to look out the window, take a glance of that girl. You left, with your whole bunch of possy. I can't say anything, or do anything.

The vivid image of her tugging your arm, feeling your muscle. Am i still dreaming? Or am i not?
I wish i wasn't. But i can't tell, i'm lost, blind and running without an aim. Crushed, inside out.

I'm flipping screwed.

~break me~


3:14 PM Saturday, November 01, 2008