again and again

LOVE it, HATE it, It's all yours.

~it's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance; it's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance; it'sthe mind afraid of losing never learns to give; it's the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.

~i just can't see things working out the way i planned them in my head. so forget it, i'm running.

~sometimes you have to break the rules and stand apart ignore your head and follow your heart.

~acknowledge me or lose me forever.

~what we do doesn't define who we are, what defines us is how we rise after falling down.

~don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

~you're so unpredictable and i'm so typical. i tried to sell you a heart before you saw the world.

~sometimes i can't believe my eyes. i want to stare up and get lost in the city lights because i've had enough and this is the end and now i understand that a heart breaks, it does not bend

~how are we expected to live in a real world when more than hald of the people living in it are fake?

~ dreams are the only place to where everything seems to be perfect, nothing is out of reach and everything you want, you have

~things happened for a reason, tears eventually fade and one day everything will be exactly how its supposed to be; moving on is a process, you have to promise yourself you're really ready to let go.

~ im thinking its a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they perfectly alligned.

~guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will and outlive the bastards.

~there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

~liars can't tell lies apart because they believe that everyone is always lying, just like them. they never trust in others.

~when you are in love, you can't fell asleep because reality is better than your dreams.

~some people come into our lives and dissappear; while others stay for a while, make footprints and we'll never be the same again.

~it's not love that hurts.it's the infatuation with what we so blindly accept as love that hurts.true love should never have to hurt.

~sometimes it's easier to day i don't care than to explain all the reasons you do.

~maybe sometimes it's a good thing to stumble. because there's a better way to stand. maybe sometimes we cry. because laughter cannot hide the worst.

~fake a smile like nothing is wrong. talk like everything is perfect. act like it's all a dream. pretend none of this is hurting. just so maybe i'll actually start to believe the lies in between.

~you'll never know untill you try. you'll never try until it's too late.

~someone will always catch you when you fall. and it won't always be who you thought it would. the people you think love you most might watch you fall, wait, and then congratulate you when you find your own way back up. this doesn't mean they love you less. they just know that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

~i'd give it all, everything and anything, but i wouldn't give up just like that.

~the best you can do is do the right thing. the second best you can do is the wrong thing. and the worst you can do is nothing.

~fight for the things you love, love the things you're fighting for.

~i'm not the person i use to be, i admit, a lot of shit got to me.

~in my heart if someone tells me i can't do something, i'm gonna do it just to prove i can.

~be the best you can be, and the worst without being get caught.

~when you get to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on.

~it's too late to walk away, because i've already stumble. and i'll keep falling, until i hit the ground-again.

~don't give up when you still wanna try. don't wipe your tears when you still wanna cry. don't stop asking questions if you still wanna know.

~the simplest things we tend to ignore are the simplest thing that matters so much more.

~only tears know how to remind us, we all break the same.

~i want to make a decision, but i forgotten how to chose.

~and here i go again. thinking about what i. could have done. would have done. should have done.

~living up to the expectations without cracking the pressure.

~how many times are you going to let someone say they'll never do it again before you realise they will.

~i've built a wall. not to block anyone out. but to see who loves me enough to climb over it.

~too often, the things you want are the thing you don't have. desire leaves us heartbroken and wears us out. but as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are the people who don't know what they want.

~it's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you ever wanted.

~under my feeling. under my skin. under the thoughts from within. learning the subtext of the mind.

~find grace in in mistakes

~with love and grief in mind, not yet ready to give all in and crumble.

~when something unexpected comes, just pick it up and run.

~you closed you eyes. that's the difference. you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. it you're ever going to have other people to trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too. even when in the dark. even when you're falling.

~did i make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

~simple dreams are the most painful because they seem so reasonable, so personal, so attainable. always close enough to touch but never close enough to hold.

~when you can lean on no one else, you'll find yourself.

~if you want what you've never had, you have to do what you've never done before.

~it's one thing to understand, but another to accept.

~staring up at the stars at night. i'm satisfied to know although we're million miles away, we sleep under the same sky.

~two stars blinking in the vast blue sky, shining and making signals, seem so close yet so far.

~sometimes you just have to run, and never turn back until you've reach where you want to be.

~just because you deserve it, doesn't mean they're gonna give it to you, you have to fight for it.

~if you don't understand silence, you don't deserve words.

~don't be so quick to judge, i only chose what to show.

~one of the hardest moments in life is deciding whether to give up or to try harder.

~when you have everything you ever wanted, that's when you have somthing to lose.

~you really shouldn't say i love you unless you mean it. but if you mean it, you should say it a lot. people forget.

~what done is done, i can't change time. but i'll be damned if i'm not gonna try.

~the trouble is, if you don'to risk, you risk even more.

~you have to learn to push through your fatigue even when you're tired.

~there's a reason why you're gone this far, just be yourself.

~somethings are meant to be broken, imperfect, chaotic. it's just the way the universe provides contrast.

~screw it. or love it.

~we spend time telling ourselves that everything happens for a reason. when in reality we give reasons for everything that happens.

~something simple as words can have such a strong affect on feelings.

~never say sorry for saying what you feel. that's like apologizing for being real.

~sometimes you don't know you've crossed a line until you're already on the other side.

~eyes are the doorways to heart, where all the love resides.

~if you love someone, you would be willing to give up everything you have. but if they love you back, they'd never ask you to.

~torn between a world of hates and a world of dreams. so much to lose, so much to gain, so much to fight for, so much to change.

~optimism means expecting the best, confidence means handling the worst.

~i took a chance, took a shot. you might think i'm bullet proof, but i'm not.

~if you believe it's in my soul. i'd say all the words that i know. just to see if it would show. that i'm trying to let you know.

~and then i remember to relax and stop holding on to it. everything then flows through me like rain and i can't feel gratitude for every single moment of a stupid life.

~sometimes to move forward, you have to look back.

~the more you care the more you lose.

~broken into pieces but no one can see it. you won't believe, i have nothing left to lose.

~behind my smile is a hurting heart. behind a laughter i'm falling apart. who you see isn't who i really am.

~capture my feelings in a box. make it glass so the world can see. seal it up. do not touch. the vulnerability i behold is beyong my control.

~when life offers a dream so far beyond expectations, it's not resonable to grieve when it comes to an end.

~you bite your tongue and pretend that you're made of stone. you never let it show, but honey, everybody knows.

~give up what you can't keep to gain what you can't lose.

~if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

~dance to no music, love without fear.

~love does things for reasons that reasons cannot understand.

~if it is true love, fight as hell for it because it's worth it.

~seduction is destruction, love is a function, sex is a succession. put your powers to seduce the showstoppers and make them the jawdroppers, gear into love without being a disfunctional relationship, and get down dirty if you reach the right level of feeling cause sex is no reduction even in this recession.

~there is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness.

~don't worry about not falling in love, in fairytales, they fall in love in the last page.

~almost lovers always brings heartahce.

~if you don't go after what you want you'll never have it. But sometimes, what you want is not what you need, and what you need may not be what you want.

February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
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November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
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June 2010
September 2010
October 2010
December 2010
January 2011
February 2011

blood

A cut. Through the skin, through the cells. Fresh blood trickling down, dissolving into the epidermis. Blends into the tone. Can't help but keep on staring to the bloody red. Fascinating, at the same time scared. It's just a cut. Why should i be panic? Or even annoy?

This is what i'm talking about. I have this peace. I don't panic, i don't scream. But it would be fun, to scream on top of your lungs once in a while when you're hurt. See, i've been hurt, always. It's numb to me. I developed an immune to hurt, but doesn't mean i don't hurt. It just numbs the pain, but not the renting.

The knive, doesn't scare me. The blade doesn't effect me. The object is more amazing, and attractive than any other dead object. I feel like a fool. I feel like a child. So small, so frail, so vulnerable. I ran water through it, blood flows faster, non-stop. The water turn into a red dye. My heart whispers, when will this stop? Will it keep on flowing? But i need it to stop, now. I can wait no more. I forced myself to wrap a bandage around tightly, zip it up. Blood start diffusing through the pores. I stop and stare. After a moment, it got boring. I left my finger to itself.

There'll be a scar, but it has a greater, better story behing it, for all the people who care, for all the kids to learn, the lesson, from a scar.

~cuts & scars~

♥ 4:41 PM Wednesday, July 30, 2008

rain in the summer

After all the waiting. We finally walked out of the room. The hall was empty, everyone seem long gone. We're late. Everyone left. My instincts tell me that the 'coincidence' of me bumping into you, or you bumping into me is less than nothing. My hopes turn into dust, so much for having the walk with you. In addition, it's drizzling outside. I don't even bother to open my umbrella. I flicked on my hoodie and started walking. Funny how, i never gave up, there's still this slight slim chance making me quicken my steps. Hoping that if you walk home, i'll bump into you.

I wasn't thinking. I knew if you were to walk. You would be way a head of me. But then, just acroos the trafic. I saw someone waving at me. I don'to know what to expect. Will you walk with me? Or you're just waving to say 'hi'? I really don't know. But then when our eyes met. I can't help but to ask 'will you walk with me?' Thank you that you said yes. You left your friend, staring blankly, that your conversation just ended like that. I was kind of in shock that you would walk with me. I should have asked your friend whether he wants to walk too. I missed my chance, because i wanted to ask him about the run.

Together. We stride. step by step. It's drizzling. Strands of your hair is getting wet, my hoodie is still on. I bet i look silly, assuming i haven't looked in the mirror since morning. But i don't care, it's just fun to have someone walking home with you in the rain. The slight breeze blowing against your face, the raindrops falling on your nose. Ever so lightly, ever so sensation. It's lovely. I don't know whether we're pretending or not, but we never run out of topics to talk. I never even have to prepare what to talk to you, actually i never did. That's why sometimes i can be so quiet.

Just want to say thank you for being there when i needed. Thank you. I really appreciate. A round of applause for you.

~walking in the rain~

♥ 3:18 PM Tuesday, July 29, 2008

it's building up

I should shut up.
Because it's pointless.
Who's going to hear such a small voice?
Or just some ramblings of a teenager?

Well, i know my words aren't gold.
So i buckle everything up.
Unlike them...
who's encouraged to let their voice be heard no matter what.
who's been through all these, and just spit out how they fill.
who don't give a damn to what you think, but care about his/her own feelings.

It's just contradicting.
Two opposite ends.

I really don't know how to live, who to believe.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm mentally corrupted, physically hurt.
Thanks.
Thanks.
That's all i'm gonna say.
Take it the greatful way or the sacarsm way.
It's your choice.

I really just want to shake my head and forget about everything. The minute you crash down onto the ground, the ball was let lose, rolling away. I tried my best to catch you, you kept on falling, it happenned so fast, but in such slow motion replaying non-stop in my head, again and again. I actually think it's my fault. But thanks to your words, i decided not to push it any further. Your eyes, you can't hide how you feel. I may read it wrong, but i have no words to say. I kept quiet all along. I'm not so much of a comfortor, but a listener i am.

I was wondering. This always happens when i was there. Why? It doesn't matter whether the 'whys' are answered or not. All i care is how can i bring you closer? In my heart, questions ponder me. Why can't you still see? IF you would just let go, give a chance, you'll be saved, so easily, so freely. It's that simple, that faith, and that action. Simple and easy.

Oh, how i wish i can just pry open your heart like a starfisih does to an oyster. But you have your own freedom, you make your own choices, nothing can force. Therefore, you're responsible for your own decisions, regardless of the outcome. Freedom on the other hand, carries it's own burden, that nobody see or mention, when the word 'freedom' pops into ones mind.

ps: just give it a chance. risk it or lose everything.

~thanks~

♥ 5:29 PM Monday, July 28, 2008

spots and dots

Blinded by everything. I stepped out of the house, went on a journey. And lost something along the way. I did lots of crazy stuff. More than what i expect. More than what i want. It was thrilling, nothing else. No meaning. No learning. Just for the sake of it, just for the thrill of it. But i do realise how people's reactions are. It would be way better if they make us sit and share everything we did. But it ain't. You just do it, and have fun. Pointless. And i lost something. Thanks a lot.

Anyways. The thrilling part infected my eyes. Actually, it's my fault. For not keeping it clean. I was kind of in a schock. Too tired. Can't bear it anmore. Straining to open it, sensitive to light, rings around them, dots started to appear. Yea, you wouldn't understand, because i don't feel like talking. Pointless, and i know no one is listening.

I ran. Ran scared, ran blindly. Without a clear vision. I still have improvement. I thank God. For making me that strong. But i want to grow spiritually too. Weirdly, why did you walk? I never ever put you and walking side by side. I wanted to ask you so badly what happen? Are you ok? You said you were, but i know that's a lie. But my theory is, if you're ok, get up on your own and finish the race. I know you're strong enough to get back up and finish the race, i won't lend you help, but i'll always watch you and be ready to catch you incase you fall. That's how i help.

Always there, watching you, ready to catch you when you fall.

~running scared~

♥ 12:10 PM Saturday, July 26, 2008

subtext

Paint the blues and froze her, she's got nothing to lose.

I don't have a heart anymore. Even if i do, i threw it far far away. It sinked to the bottom of the ocean, somewhere sometime, sinking and sinking. I thought i have it with me, right here by my left, but i was just dreaming, imagining, making up fantasies, lies. I live with my own lies, i'm blinded by my thoughts. No love to give, no space to recieve. I blocked out all the love i recieved, turn them into lies, broke your heart. I'm sorry. I can't find my heart on my own, i need you, to bring my heart back, please, please. Or else. I'll be so, ever so empty. EMPTY.

I can see through your eyes, what you're thinking. But i tried, so hard, to feel the sparkle. I feel nothing, not even moved by your presense. Maybe, you're just that much. I tried to give you something, but i jsut can't. Don't take what i said before into seriousness, i was just fooling around. I was high. Forgive and forget me. Or treat me like any other friend. Please, or else i'll try to run away from you, because i don't want to turn you down. I really don't. That's why i have to run away from you. Please, don't love me, but love me, as a friend, a best friend.

Am i really that ... ? I've always thought i know how to budget, always. You always buy me stuff, then force it to wear them. I don't even have a choice. I have to fake a smile and wear them. Now, i have the choice. And you critisize every single one i made, why? I learn from my mistakes. You want answers, but i just don't feel like telling you. Why? because it wouldn't make a difference, you would think i'm just making stuff up to please you, just so i can escape from the blame. Thanks a lot, i'm crushed. I can virtually feel the pain, pierced right through the heart. I swear, only the ones i love can hurt me this easily and this hard, and you're one of them unexpectedly.

There's lots of stuff i want. And there's some stuff i need. But you just doesn't see it that way. I thought you would know me better, but no. My coach knows me better than you do! I can't believe this. See how this is going to end? Your restrictions and rules are tying me down so much, i can't wait to get free. Even if it means to be lost in this world. I can't wait, to get out of here. Seriously, i want to go away. Far far away. But somehow, there's this feeling, that no matter what i do, you're going to be there, and nothing's gonna change. Why'd you have to tie me down that much? WHY? Can't you just trust me?

You don't know my life, you honestly don't. But i don't expect you to, i don't even expect you to budge in and control it. I know my choice. Just pray for me, pray. You can do nothing, just continue to pray, bless me. If loving is what you're doing now, i really beg you to not love me. I can't believe i even feel this way, begging not to be love.

Forget what i said, forget what i did. Let's start over.

ps: for real. it hurts, A WHOLE LOT.

~critizied in every way~

♥ 2:49 PM Wednesday, July 23, 2008

thank-you

I felt so grateful. After seeing all the real world.
I made a comparison to what i have, i have way too much.
More than i need, and there are people out there.
Working their buts off, but they didn't get what they deserve.
They deserve better.
Way better.

I'm so thankful.

So grateful, that i believe in Jesus Christ as my savior. So now i can talk to God, he can bless me everyday every second. I can feel the peace in my heart. It's a serene feeling, a feeling that no words fit to describe. Amazing, stunning, epihany, great.

We're all sinners. It's in our blood. Sin, when people talk about sin. We think about drugs, muders, adultry, stealing, lying... Sin is in our blood. Even if you know that's the right thing to do, but you didn't do, it's a sin. Sin is making yourself God. Sin is everywhere. No matter how hard we try to be good, to make it up, to earn a ticket to heaven. It doesn't work that way. We've adopted the motto of 'work to get what you want' too deeply. It's engrave in our hearts since centuries. So when something like Jesus Christ is sent to wash away all our sins FOR FREE, nobody believes it. Everyone thinks that this is just a make-believe fairytale.

God sent Jesus Christ to save us from death, from our sins, so we can be together with him. Unfortunately, it's so hard to accept the fact that this is free because he LOVES us. His love is unconditionaly, that's why it's free. So far, human love is so condition. You love me, i love you. You're beautiful, i love you. But this love, is like children and their parents. No matter what happens, what bad things the kiddo has done, the parents still treasures him and love him uncondition. This is true love. LOVE. the kind of love.

Everyone would do anything. ANYTHING, to go up to heaven. Live there eternally, forever and ever. Heaven or Hell, obviously, it's heaven. Imaginge suffering in hell, burning in fire. But this time, you cannot die, you're burn-living, forever and ever... Keep on burning, keep on breathing. That's the hurt. You're not going to die. Where as in heaven, you'll praise everyday... eternal, forever and ever. Obviously hell is not my choice, it has to be heaven. There's no in between road, one way or the other. I don't know about you, but i've made up my mind, heaven.

People always think that if you do lots of uncountable good deeds, you'll go up to heaven automatically. WRONG! There's only ONE way to heaven. Jesus Christ, God's only son is the only way. You can only go into heaven by believe in Jesus Christ, his blood has washed aways all our sins, he has conqueered death. Through him, we can be holy, and reunite with God, in our later days. Ain't that COOL? So forget about all those hardwork you've done. Just beleive, and trust in him, obey and listen to his orders. He has a plan for you. Have faith.

~faith is the key~

♥ 9:11 PM Sunday, July 20, 2008

complexity

I've been sucked into the world, with nothing but lies. Lies and theories, trying to prove how we come from. Trying to give an explanation of how everything come in place till today. 'Evoluton', 'Blast'... Many more. There isn't any prove, of how so it's true, completely absolutely. Mankind, trying hard to explain the unexplainable, the things that are too big for us humans to handle. We can't even handle ourselves. Why do we have to know how the worls works? So what if you know, nothing's gonna change. Trying to make it better, making a hypothesis, testing it, and then create more questions that have no answers.

I really don't know what to think. Can i put it into sense? Does it fit into a big master piece? I don't think i can. I don't have the wisdom. Can't you all see? It's such a vast field, where everything we write doesn't matter, because no matter what, there's no definate proof. There's a creator, a God who is higher above all. Who created this eath, give us life, save us from our unworthyness, save us from our sins. Most importantly, love us unconditionally.

How are you going to explain? When you're just like a puppet, and the master is laying everything down for you. You just have to listen, no questions, believe and trust that your puppet master will guide you and lead you, because he loves you so. Ain't that simple. All because of love? Love Love Love.

And yet, i'm here. Trying hard to learn some stupid theory without even proff, it's just bunch of lies and fairy tales that people make it up. Spinning their own lies, convincing that that's the way. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I can't judge. I don't know, because it's too high and complex for us humans to understand. Just give it up. Learning something that i don't believe, how can i even ae the test? Am i strong enough to still learn but not belive? This is just wasting my time. I'm a fool to make such a decision.

~complex~

♥ 4:47 PM Thursday, July 17, 2008

hit me

What am i thinking? Hit me. Pinch me. This is not real. This is real.
Bring me back into reality.
I'm living in a pack of lies.
I can't find truth anywhere.
I can't find faith anywhere.
Surprises are everywhere.
Everything i see.
It's just.
Flushed.
Down.
The.
Drain.

~mywishcametrue, carefulforwhatyouwishfor~

♥ 3:03 PM Wednesday, July 16, 2008

this is getting scary

This is way beyond my expectations.
I don't know how to tell the truth.
I'm so vulnerable.
Even though, i may look tough on the outside.
Or really stubborn who doesn't care about anything but myself.
I actually, Am really Self Concious.

You always talked to me when i get on. But everything was good, it was just a little lack of faith. Actually no, i don't know what to say. It's always you telling the story. Not me. Cause i really don't feel like saying anything. Or spilling all my shiit all over on you. I know i could if i want to. You're really nice. You don't gossip. You just listen and comfort, fool around, very caring, and so gentlemen. Haih. I kinda know that there's this spark in between. But i just kept on lying to myself, that you're just a friend.

Deep down inside, i know. If i reject you, i'll regret. You're one of the good ones that i know. I like you, i love you. As a friend, a good friend. A friend who doesn't let me down and always be there for me. I love you, friend. I'm sorry, now i know how much this hurts. I'm sorry. I don't feel like a relationship right now. I really am regreting. But it's not time to awake love, so not. Too much going on. And i know you wouldn't like me because..., history is meant to repeat. I have to much restrictions, rules. Rules and goals that i set for myself. Over achiever, aiming higher for what i have, never contempt for what i have, but always try to be thankful of what i've got. Try my best, in everything that i love.

I love you. no, you love *** more. I love ***.but i love you. wow. you're high.maybe i am.maybe i'm not.maybe i'm just drunk and telling the truth.haha. yea right. you love ***.

I'm not quite sure. I don't have that feeling, where i remember all the things you say or all the things you do. I still can't picture your face in my head. Where as for HIM, i still can. Even though i haven't seen him for a long long while. Blind me. I'm sorry. I don't want to awaken love. Or else, it'll bring my up really high and drop me down again. Send me crushing down in lightning speed. It's so hard for me to climb out and see the light. Give me a break, i'm barely gasping for the fresh air.

ps: i do love you. but there's not fireworks or sparks anymore. the chemistry doesn't exists. there's a wall. blocking me from all the love, a soul, lying to myself, hiding form the truth. you're not the guy who can climb the never-ending wall and never give up. at least, i didn't picture it was you. i've always though we're friends. friends. i know i may have crushed you. and it hurts. i'm sorry. i really am. but i don't want to. on the bright side, no one will own me yet. i'm not stepping over the fence until that someone came and carry me away. sweep me off my feet, and i can barely breathe and sitll know the world is right. your time is right. wait, do not awaken love.

~illusions deceptions~

♥ 7:46 PM Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Drunk by love. I need a corner to myself.

Curled up. To stop my head from spinning round.

Closed off from love, i didn't need the pain

Once or twice was enough, and it was all in vain

Time starts to pass before you know it

you're frozen.

The bell rang. What a day i had. A quiz that i screwed up. A test that i'm not satisfied with. I sure hope you're there waiting to get free slurpes at seven eleven. Although i don't like it that much, i don't know why i went and got it. I have stuff to do, but i guess i just want to hand out with you guys, or maybe, just get to know you more.

You're really nice to me. But being nice doesn't mean you like me. Why am i even going further? Thinking that you like me? Man, i'm such a joker myself. Lying to myself. Blinding the truth. I'm not going to judge you anyhow, i'll try not to. Just to let you know, you're a really nice guy. Not so much of a gentlemen, but i did expect that from you though. Nevermind.

I just slapped myself awake. I'm awaking love, obviously even when the time ain't right. Why? Why? Why? I can't answer myself. Recently, i felt like puking quite often. In percise, very often. I have no idea why so. I think i'm desperate for love, desperate for friends. But i doubt, i doubt. I shouldn't crave for what i don't have.

~it actually matters~

♥ 4:29 PM Friday, July 11, 2008

over rocks and shells

I actually have lots on my mind. Run, basketball, study. I know it may seem little, but it ain't. Because i procastinate too much. I never knew this could happen to me. It's just so not me. I left my house and went to the court. The sun was shinning brightly, right above my head. Funny how this time of the day, it would still be so bright. Sweet, i get the whole court by myself! I love it. I can do whatever i want. Nothing to be self-concious of, nothing to be embarassed about. I love owning the whole court.

Oh man, i'm dreaming of having a court to myself for so long.

I shot some hoops. Did some lay-ups, practice my jab step. My hands are so out. But i was glad that i get to play and feel the ball again. It's been so long since i last felt the texture of the ball or shot some decent hoops, and own a court! Anyways, people start roaming in. I'm kind of dissapointed since i don't own the whole court anymore. I'm starting to get self concious. My nerves are breaking, i start to care how i look and stuff. Observing people playing, hanging out. I can't concentrate anymore. I left. Walking out the court, thinking, am i paranoid?

Nevertheless, i went to the beach again. When i reached there, it was windy. Trees are swaying in the breeze, there's less people since it's a weekday. Another reason for me to love weekdays. Places aren't that crowded. Yes, i'm an inner person. And my mom calls me a social phobia. Yea right, i'm scared of people! I'm just over self concious because of my low self-esteem.

I started running, and running and running. I tried running on the edge of the waves. Somehow i just love edges, edges of shades, edges of waves... I can feel the dip of water on my toes, and the soft sand which sinks when i put my weight on them. Rocks that cut through the sole of my feet, pierced my heart, 'ouch' i yelled. But no one can hear me. The sound of the waves rolling in, slapping the shore. Kids playing with the water, trying to jump over waves. Couples embracing each other, teenagers snapping photos away like crazy, college guys playing volleyball, family BBQ-ing. Perfect day!

Just running and absorbing all around me, is so beatiful. That doesn' t even describe how i feel. It's just great. Sun shinning on your face, little sprinkles of waves rolling over your toes. It's a little miracle. I kept on running. And there were rocks and seaweed everywhere. Apparently, when i ran over them. I don't feel anything. I tried starring at rocks and see how they sink but i don't know anything. They just doesn't hurt, excepts for the extremely sharp and pointy ones which is only a few. Is the sole of my feet too tough? There were rocks everywhere, and i don't feel anything.

Maybe, just maybe, i'm numbed. I don't feel anything anymore.
Blesss me. Love me.
Thank you.

PS: this scary thought struck me. those environment is like ****. what if there's hook worm? i really don't want to be sick from running on the shore. That would be like taking away something i enjoy. pray for me to be healthy and run back to God's arm.

~keep running, over rocks & shells~

♥ 10:48 PM Thursday, July 10, 2008

Blasted

I'm out of control.
I'm sick.
I can't believe what i just did.

It's Gross.
It's Gross.
It's Gross.
It's Gross.
It's Gross.
It's Gross.
It's Gross.
It's Gross.
It's Gross.

I don't get what's so attractive about that.
People say it's fun. But it ain't to me.
Is that suppose to be a prize?
Or a suffering?
I don't know why i would do that.
Personally, it's not attractive.

~i miss you~

♥ 4:55 PM Wednesday, July 09, 2008

first run

It has been so long since i ran. Although i said i've been running, it doesn't make any difference. i was not a bit faster, nor a bit slower than i used to. I really don't know why i'm running. Running without a goal, nor a hint of interest, or love in running. I just like running so i can have thoughts on my mind. Daze out in the middle of the day, sweating.

I feel so bad. Just because i can' t keep up with her. I lost my motivation. I can't run anymore. This is sad. I'm depressed over running. I did tried my best, but it's just hard to keep up. My arms cannot pump forward anymore, it's so hard to press on to the goal, and win the prize ahead. I'm so out of shape. Things are chaning. I don't know if i'll like it or not. But i'm scared i'll lose a side of me.

We sat there in silence. I actually feel comfortable with the silence. It's just seems like we don't have to say anything, well. I just felt like nothing could be said to make it better. Actualyl that was a lie, words Do play a major part. Sometimes, words are the last thing you hear from someone who's dying. Words, expressing what we mean.

I really lost the point in running. I may love some other sport, but running. It's just too repetitive and nothing is interesting. You see the same people again and again, moving your legs faster and faster, pumping your arms from side to side. I can't find anything, ANYTHING, maybe i've just lost everything.

My heart is like a rock. After all those years of pressure, it became hard, solid, and cold. Nothing can move it. The pressure has to be extremely high in order to melt it away. Besides, it's pointlessly pumping away. I need a plan. I need someone to tell me what to do. I don't want to live a life like this. It ain't glorify or anything. I can't lost it this way. This is a battle, that i know, i have to fight till the end, no matter what the circumstances are, no matter what lies ahead. I have to Push myself to the limits, pray for the wisdom and guidance. I can't do it alone. I can't.

~back to myoldseld again~

Second run, Second day:

I need to run. After all my schoolwork, i gave myself a break. Yea, my break is running. I put on my shorts, grab a T-shirt and a cap, fill up my bottle. Off i go. It's a little late for running. But who cares, the sun is still out. I didn't wear my contacts. So, by chance if i bump into anyone, i wouldn't know who they are. Basically, i'm going out for a blind run.

I did my warm-up. And i was already tired. Trying to figure out how many laps i should do. I'm so unmotivated. I decided on 6 laps. It used to be fairly okay for me. But today, it seemed ... [you can fill in the blanks]. I'm just holding on that i finished the run. I was running and counting down the laps, can't wait for it to be over. By the way, i time myself to. Well, not exactly timing, just know how i'm doing with an analog clock. I guess that' better. So i don't get upset of my timing, or make a big deal out of it.

I'm done. My time for 6 laps.

Less than 15 minutes.

More than 10 minutes.

My guess is 12 minutes.

I hope i'm less than 12 minutes. Or else i have to get back in shape. Surprisingly, i was really sweaty after the run. Like, sweaty sweaty - unusually sweaty. I took a bath and started studying. While i was running, i can't wait for it to be over. But now, i'm glad i did it.

~keep your head high and keep on going~

Thrid run, Third day:

I draw myself together. Stop procastinating and started to make my way to practice. People were there. This guy walked up to me and told me to tell the coach that he did came and he want to go for a run now. I said okay, what else could i say? Although i advised him to wait a little longer because the coach is going to come, eventually. I tried but he aint' listening.

I was just walking, and then the coach came. Gladly, i made my way to the guys and told them the coach is here. They were like 'really?'. WOW. Why would i lie about some stupid thing? Do i really look like a liar? Anyways, the coach made them stay and made them run. That's how the coach roles.

We ran. It was okay. I was unexpectedly slower than i thought. Or maybe i just didn't feel good. Everyone was like. You have a frown on your face. Hello? I'm wearing a hat, if i have a frown on my face, i must be really zoned out. There must be like a cloud above me, with big fat raindrops falling on me. Everyone knows i have a sad face on. I'm worned out, by everything. I need to set my priorities right. Get'em straight.

Honestly, running haven't been that hard for me. It never kicked me in the face. Today, it did. And it wasn't even an extremely-kill-youself-practice. It was just a casual one. Nothing special, just plain old running. Seriously, i think i've changed. Physically, and mentally. Something's going on. I wonder, does running makes you shorter? You know where i'm going, i'm not gonna explain more. It's just. I don't know whether i want it to happen or not. You know, things change. Maybe into the way i want it, but i doubt it would. It always go the opposite way. Anyhow, I need prayers. I need to put everything into his hands. Now, i have to hand it all over. It's either all or nothing, gain or lose it.

~it's all or nothing~

♥ 9:59 PM Monday, July 07, 2008

party

I was kinda excited about the party. I was a little over centered, i hold grudges towards my family because they wanted to go out and eat at this restaurants. And we still have to wait to get seated! I was worried that i'm going to be late, so i just sat there alone on the chair. Puting on a show again, holding grudges, kept my mouth shut, and all my thoughts to myself. Later on, it wasn't that bad. Apparently, the service was fast. We finished our lunch faster than we have to wait. Ironic right?

Anyways, went home straight away. Change my outfit, curled my hair, mirror checked, and i'm off. Walked to her house with my buddy. While we're chatting while walking, spilling out my heart and giving out negative comments as usual, we bumped into the car that was going to give us a ride!

We left right away, no delaying schedule. Went there. The place was good. Let's just say i didn't expect anything, so there wasn't any dissapointment nor any shocking. Fool around, although i wasn't socializing that much. I'm just chatting my small circle of friends. Nothing special, trying to fit in, tough my mind is totally zoned out. I'm feeling weird this recently, everything is so bland.

We're planning to pie him. I was kinds excited but i kept myself from expecting anything. Just imagine a little, and let my sense hold me back from going any further. Later on, it didn't work out. That guy who was suppose to pie him phoned and said he couldn't make it. And we found out that he was invited to the party by the host too. It would be priceless if the owner got pied by his guests!

We chated. Ate. Drink. Chat. Ate. Drink. Kicked. Balled. Fooled. Picture time. Casual stuff. And we found out that his bff actually told him about our plan! Betrayed us! I couldn't believe it! It would be so cool to have such an awesome friend. Amazing. Now, that's a friend to keep. So the pieing thing ended up dissapointing us. I was so lucky i didn't get my hopes up.

Things happenned, that might ruin my friendship or make it awkward. Someone really thinks i mean what i said. Well i'm sorry, i took it as a joke. Nothing personal or whatsoever. So let's drink up and party hard.

I can't say how much i wish you were there and just stare into each other's eyes.

That's enough already.

~joker~

♥ 9:44 PM

if you say so

Story of my life. All spiled out. Changes are rolling in. Everything is unpacking itself. You might think this is the suckiest summer ever. But to me. Just learn how to get a life. I though there's something in you. I guess i was wrong. But i'm still gonna stick to it. I have to change you, or maybe not. But it's so weird that we're attracted to each other.

It's so confusing. The distant is growing. Go find someone else if you're not comfortable with me. Or go get a different life if you don't like it here. I can't make it any better, you know. I wish i can. I would have mend my mistakes. Everything changes gradually when you came. I don't know what to expect, don't know what to wish for.

My mind is so busted. So much thinking. So much list. So much to wish for. So little time.

Never appreciate. Never assosiate. You don't know my life. So don't say anything. Okay? Judge me if you wish. Love me if you wish. Hate me if you wish. It ain't changing my personality until you've touched me.

An over achiever i am. A girl who dreams big. Talks big and never fulfill her sayings. A girl who makes promises. Wishes that fairy tale will come true. Wanting to step out of the box so badly. But refrain herself because that's how she rolls.

What is love? How do you know he's the right one? Does it just click? Or love takes time and grow? Is it spontaneous? Or it's just unexplainable at human levels or the definition of words? Love. Love. Love.

~story of my life~

♥ 4:14 PM Saturday, July 05, 2008

emotional is the word

Once again. I cannot believe i'm so soft. I cry over nothing. Why do i always have emotional upsets right before a test? Why? Or is it the fact that i'm too stressful so it's easier to get on my nerves? And the water works then break off unexpectedly, making my eyes all puffy and red. Make me worry the unecessaries, and moan for the junkies?

Shut up.

I have a freaking test tomorrow. And i'm kind of stuck in preparing for it. Most of it are memorizing. It ain't cool if you freak out cause you'll b lank out, and you'll score zero which i can barely afford.

My thoughts are scattered. My shits are everywhere. Thanks a lot.
I have nothing to say but thank you. THANK- YOU.
I'm picking up my shits alone. Gathering the stinkiness and the lameness, all in one hand. When i got back up, it all droops down again. Dripping all over my dress. SHITS, i have to deal with.

It's always like this. I think i hope in the wrong thing. I always, put my expectations on human. And they drop me down from the sky, leaving my hanging in mid-air. With no words to express that kind of shock and paralyzing thoughts, but to scream silently inside my head. The screech pierced through my brains, but it didn' made me stop raising my expectations from humans, the ones i love. That hurts a lot.

I know i made the wrong decisions, and i'm gonna regret for it.
Please bless me for the courage to change.
My thoughts have to go OUT.

~emotional, nah~

♥ 10:07 PM Thursday, July 03, 2008

first day

Sun shining through my blinders. My eyes, straining to open and accept reality, the fact that i have to go to school on such a beautiful day. And worst of all, it's my very first. Not expecting anyone i know, friends in different classes, different environment, strange setting.

I woke up. Curled my hair, sprayed some hairspray, moouse. I wonder when i started to be so girly? It's just a spice in my veins, i guess, or i'm growing up? Nevermind. I ate breakfast, changed and left the house. It was sunny. I started walking in a moderate pace, then when i reach the roads, i started running. I stopped quite a few times in the middle, panting, man my stamina stucks. I bet i can run faster just few months ago. Anyways. It was a beautiful day. The sprinkles were on, some of the water got on me. OH. and running with a backpack on with just a binder is really SUCKY. It keeps on bouncing off your back, and you can't run properly. I need to hold the straps to keep them stationary, and i can't swing my arms then. Haih. Bad position for running. But it does keep my mind off those worrying when i start moving my feet, like what's the school like, how are the people there, and lots of uneccessary worries.

I followed the people, walking ahead, knowing what's a head, while i haven't got a clue of whatever or where i'm going. The front office was packed with people, roaming, hugging, chit-chatting, fooling, and i'm there, trying to look for my classes among those kids. Sigh. Then someone poke me in the back. OMG. At least someone looks familiar, i was to busy trying to find my classes and didn't even made an effort to continue the conversation. I know i was rude, sorry. Walking further, i saw more familiar faces. That have no effect on me, because i don't know what class i'll be in. My face was red and puffy, pinkish, because of the run. I need time to take a breathe and survive the crowd.

I walked up to the second floor. It's hard to believe. Miracles do happen. Lots of familiar faces i see, glad that they were there. Almost half of the class i know. That's a good thing. But the sad thing is, there's so many smarty pants in this class that i know i have to put in extra effort in order to get what i want. There was break, went around, roaming, looking for friends, get to know the school and the WASHROOM.

The teacher was ***. Blonde, slender, have an accent. What can i say?! It was just the first day. And it's so not my job to judge her, because i'm pretty darn sure she knows her way and i'll learn something meaningful right?

~thanks~

♥ 4:11 PM Wednesday, July 02, 2008

doubts and questions

Just when i was about to doze off, lying on my bed, adjusting my position, thoughts struck me, unexpectedly. I can't believe i can even think like that, it's really getting into me. I have to have an answer, i have to be saved, i need help.

The thoughts are too embarassed to be written out, i can't even believe i even think like that. It's just shocking. I'm getting further and further. This is a really huge obstacle for me, i can't lose faith. I have to have to have to havetohaveto get back on track faster, NOW. I have to build my faith. Please pray for me. Please do. Prayers do work. Miracles do happen. I have to get stronger after this obstacle. I have to trust in him, and lean not on my own understanding, acknowledge him and he will make the path straight. I have to get back, in shape (spiritually wise).

My eyes are darting around. My heart is making promises that'll break. My soul is on a cliff. I need your help. Pour down your blessing on me, love me, guide me. I'm stranded and lost.

My dreams: ~~harward, UofT, stanford, NYU, UCB~~ listen and be obedient.

Open up my eyes to the things unseen.

Although my answers aren't full answer. I think i know what i should do. They might not be answer. Because it's call 'trust'. Believe, and it'll happen. Blind faith. But with evidence and the presence. It ain't blind, it's truly faith, love and hope.

~listen to the still voice among the boom~

♥ 11:29 AM Tuesday, July 01, 2008