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MAYBE IT'S TIME
TO LET YOUR WALLS DOWN
& LET LOVE SHINE
just for you

LOVE it, HATE it, It's all yours.

mistakes you knew,
i've made a few

~it's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance; it's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance; it'sthe mind afraid of losing never learns to give; it's the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.

~i just can't see things working out the way i planned them in my head. so forget it, i'm running.

~sometimes you have to break the rules and stand apart ignore your head and follow your heart.

~acknowledge me or lose me forever.

~what we do doesn't define who we are, what defines us is how we rise after falling down.

~don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

~you're so unpredictable and i'm so typical. i tried to sell you a heart before you saw the world.

~sometimes i can't believe my eyes. i want to stare up and get lost in the city lights because i've had enough and this is the end and now i understand that a heart breaks, it does not bend

~how are we expected to live in a real world when more than hald of the people living in it are fake?

~ dreams are the only place to where everything seems to be perfect, nothing is out of reach and everything you want, you have

~things happened for a reason, tears eventually fade and one day everything will be exactly how its supposed to be; moving on is a process, you have to promise yourself you're really ready to let go.

~ im thinking its a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they perfectly alligned.

~guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will and outlive the bastards.

~there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

~liars can't tell lies apart because they believe that everyone is always lying, just like them. they never trust in others.

~when you are in love, you can't fell asleep because reality is better than your dreams.

~some people come into our lives and dissappear; while others stay for a while, make footprints and we'll never be the same again.

~it's not love that hurts.it's the infatuation with what we so blindly accept as love that hurts.true love should never have to hurt.

~sometimes it's easier to day i don't care than to explain all the reasons you do.

~maybe sometimes it's a good thing to stumble. because there's a better way to stand. maybe sometimes we cry. because laughter cannot hide the worst.

~fake a smile like nothing is wrong. talk like everything is perfect. act like it's all a dream. pretend none of this is hurting. just so maybe i'll actually start to believe the lies in between.

~you'll never know untill you try. you'll never try until it's too late.

~someone will always catch you when you fall. and it won't always be who you thought it would. the people you think love you most might watch you fall, wait, and then congratulate you when you find your own way back up. this doesn't mean they love you less. they just know that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

~i'd give it all, everything and anything, but i wouldn't give up just like that.

~the best you can do is do the right thing. the second best you can do is the wrong thing. and the worst you can do is nothing.

~fight for the things you love, love the things you're fighting for.

~i'm not the person i use to be, i admit, a lot of shit got to me.

~in my heart if someone tells me i can't do something, i'm gonna do it just to prove i can.

~be the best you can be, and the worst without being get caught.

~when you get to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on.

~it's too late to walk away, because i've already stumble. and i'll keep falling, until i hit the ground-again.

~don't give up when you still wanna try. don't wipe your tears when you still wanna cry. don't stop asking questions if you still wanna know.

~the simplest things we tend to ignore are the simplest thing that matters so much more.

~only tears know how to remind us, we all break the same.

~i want to make a decision, but i forgotten how to chose.

~and here i go again. thinking about what i. could have done. would have done. should have done.

~living up to the expectations without cracking the pressure.

~how many times are you going to let someone say they'll never do it again before you realise they will.

~i've built a wall. not to block anyone out. but to see who loves me enough to climb over it.

~too often, the things you want are the thing you don't have. desire leaves us heartbroken and wears us out. but as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are the people who don't know what they want.

~it's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you ever wanted.

~under my feeling. under my skin. under the thoughts from within. learning the subtext of the mind.

~find grace in in mistakes

~with love and grief in mind, not yet ready to give all in and crumble.

~when something unexpected comes, just pick it up and run.

~you closed you eyes. that's the difference. you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. it you're ever going to have other people to trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too. even when in the dark. even when you're falling.

~did i make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

~simple dreams are the most painful because they seem so reasonable, so personal, so attainable. always close enough to touch but never close enough to hold.

~when you can lean on no one else, you'll find yourself.

~if you want what you've never had, you have to do what you've never done before.

~it's one thing to understand, but another to accept.

~staring up at the stars at night. i'm satisfied to know although we're million miles away, we sleep under the same sky.

~two stars blinking in the vast blue sky, shining and making signals, seem so close yet so far.

~sometimes you just have to run, and never turn back until you've reach where you want to be.

~just because you deserve it, doesn't mean they're gonna give it to you, you have to fight for it.

~if you don't understand silence, you don't deserve words.

~don't be so quick to judge, i only chose what to show.

~one of the hardest moments in life is deciding whether to give up or to try harder.

~when you have everything you ever wanted, that's when you have somthing to lose.

~you really shouldn't say i love you unless you mean it. but if you mean it, you should say it a lot. people forget.

~what done is done, i can't change time. but i'll be damned if i'm not gonna try.

~the trouble is, if you don'to risk, you risk even more.

~you have to learn to push through your fatigue even when you're tired.

~there's a reason why you're gone this far, just be yourself.

~somethings are meant to be broken, imperfect, chaotic. it's just the way the universe provides contrast.

~screw it. or love it.

~we spend time telling ourselves that everything happens for a reason. when in reality we give reasons for everything that happens.

~something simple as words can have such a strong affect on feelings.

~never say sorry for saying what you feel. that's like apologizing for being real.

~sometimes you don't know you've crossed a line until you're already on the other side.

~eyes are the doorways to heart, where all the love resides.

~if you love someone, you would be willing to give up everything you have. but if they love you back, they'd never ask you to.

~torn between a world of hates and a world of dreams. so much to lose, so much to gain, so much to fight for, so much to change.

~optimism means expecting the best, confidence means handling the worst.

~i took a chance, took a shot. you might think i'm bullet proof, but i'm not.

~if you believe it's in my soul. i'd say all the words that i know. just to see if it would show. that i'm trying to let you know.

~and then i remember to relax and stop holding on to it. everything then flows through me like rain and i can't feel gratitude for every single moment of a stupid life.

~sometimes to move forward, you have to look back.

~the more you care the more you lose.

~broken into pieces but no one can see it. you won't believe, i have nothing left to lose.

~behind my smile is a hurting heart. behind a laughter i'm falling apart. who you see isn't who i really am.

~capture my feelings in a box. make it glass so the world can see. seal it up. do not touch. the vulnerability i behold is beyong my control.

~when life offers a dream so far beyond expectations, it's not resonable to grieve when it comes to an end.

~you bite your tongue and pretend that you're made of stone. you never let it show, but honey, everybody knows.

~give up what you can't keep to gain what you can't lose.

~if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

~dance to no music, love without fear.

~love does things for reasons that reasons cannot understand.

~if it is true love, fight as hell for it because it's worth it.

~seduction is destruction, love is a function, sex is a succession. put your powers to seduce the showstoppers and make them the jawdroppers, gear into love without being a disfunctional relationship, and get down dirty if you reach the right level of feeling cause sex is no reduction even in this recession.

~there is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness.

~don't worry about not falling in love, in fairytales, they fall in love in the last page.

~almost lovers always brings heartahce.

~if you don't go after what you want you'll never have it. But sometimes, what you want is not what you need, and what you need may not be what you want.


knock yourself out.

February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
September 2010
October 2010
December 2010
January 2011
February 2011

thank you.


unexpected fall




Here's what i don't get. You signed up for the course, so i take the courage to sign up for it. But then, a thought strike me, we're gonna be fighting over the same stuff. And most likely, you're gonna win. Then i'm the one who has to suppress all my feelings inside, or be bias to you. I don't want that.

Who knows? You wanted a job! I hooked you up. And thought we can do it together after school. But NOOOOO. You wanted the job so badly. You're even willing to quit the course, convince your parents to lose the money you've paid, in order to let you work at some fast food restaurant.

Now, i'm all alone by myself, in a school, taking a course, with no friends. Yes, it's very hard for me to make friends. And i don't want to be a loner. I have to pray, pray really hard. That God will make a way and let me make good new friends, in a new environment. I know he will, if it's his will. He's almighty, anything can happen under his commands.

This reminds me. I remember, my first day of XX school. I prayed so hard, and i have faith and trust in him. That day ended up to be my very best day of my records of 'first day of schoo'. All the glory goes to my Lord, who took care of me, and always be there for me. He made friends came to me easily, i'm actually happy on the first day of school. Usually, i'm not.


Honestly, it's like i've grown apart from him.

I need to be close to him.

I need to connect to him.

I need to listen to his plans.

I need to pray more often.

I need miracles to happen.

I need to learn how to love.

I need HIM in my life.

I need HIM.

I need HIM.


~get back on track~


8:32 PM Friday, June 27, 2008


finally

Finally, it's over.

No more paper. No more books. No more writing. No more nagging. No more critisism. No more late nights. No more projects. No more presentation.

Give me a break. It's time to blast.

I went downtown shopping. Buildings are massive. It's been so long since i actually shopped at downtown. It just felt rich and elegant. All the shops are decorated to the heat of the summer waves. The sun was out, gils are out with their boyfriends, holding their hands. Boyfriends trying to charm their lady, buying them all the clothes they want. This will definately make a girl happy, but i wonder what's the guy thinking about. Hmmm...


Besides shopping, i'm also a bookworm. I wanna lie on the beach, with the sun glistening on my back, and the sound of the waves lapping. Man, it's the perfect place to read a book.


~responsible for what you see and what you hear~


2:25 PM


chemistry



When i looked out the window of my eyes, i always catch you staring back, at me. I froze. My hearbeat stops. Everything around me is still. Not any longer than one second, we turn our heads in unison, apart from each other.

The tension is broken.

Both of our thoughts are hanging in the air. I'm trying to guess yours, you're trying to guess mine. Our gaze met, our hearts linked, our hands touched, our thoughts clinged. Nothing more, nothing less, undescribable. The chemistry between us, who are infatuated, and joined by sparks.

We're one together.
~i think. i can't bare it anymore. it has to come out.






I know i should tell you how i feel. But, i'm holding myself back, for better.
If i could. I would have
kiss you.
hug you.
love you.
...
so much more i can't say.

~love~


8:06 PM Sunday, June 22, 2008


uncertain

Now i now how it feels.
So much is going on, passin by like a flash.
Touched me and be gone.

I want to resist all the temptation. I want to stop thinking you. I want to study and ace the test. I want to relax. I want to get back in shape. I want to start running. I want to see you. I want you to love me. I want, I want, I want. I can never be satisfied, nor contempt.

All day. I kept thinking about you. When i was about to doze off into my dream world, you appear; when i was about to study, you were there; when i was just opening my eyes, recieving the light of the day, you were right beside me. This is driving me nuts. I revised the note you wrote, i figure it couldn't be me. Because you wished her all the best, for whatever the reason it is, i took it the other way. I have to jump into conclusion, or else i don't know what to do. I'm lost with or without you. Uncertain the way i feel, riding an emotional coaster ride. It's new and fresh, dizzy and crazy. Should i give you another chance? Although i know your heart is with her? I don't think so. But then ... it doesn't make sense. I want to be your first one, but i know i'm not. What else can i be? The first one always have the longest impression. I want it to be both ways, not a one way. Not i give you everything and you just accept it, i thought love was suppose to be two ways. Now i know, how much it hurts, to love someone, and yet doubting their love to you. This is crazy, i'm mad, i'm insane.

I might be so crazily in love, that i'll change myself for you. All for the better. But then, you won't love the true me, only the 'new' me. What if i just put on a show, so you can be attracted to me? Then i'll have to lie to myself and pretend everything is okay, to be someone i'm not, so you can love me. I'll have to act for my whole life, and if once my acting slips, it might be over. Then, you won't even like the real me. I'll try to be myself, no, i'll try to find myself first, then try to let my true self be comfortable around you. If you don't like me, i'll just have to find some other guy that will love me for who i am. Although that's gonna hurt, i'll have a happier ending, then living a whole fake life.

An easier method: Don't awake love until the time is right.
I don't understand love. I don't know what's love. Let me believe once more.
I can go on and on, but it doesn't make it any better, so i'm gonna stop here. period.



I was suppose to help you. Yea right, we fooled around. I was definately having fun, be who i want to be. But it felt so ruthless and wild. I got into huge trouble. My name is washed down the drain, and i tried to put on a strong face, act like i don't give a dam of whatsoever. I really don't know how to phrase it, how can i tell you? Or maybe i shouldn't. It's not such a big deal anyways. The huge storm will pass, rainbows will reappear, the sun will shine and make everything better, Right?



I just want to drown in the city of lights.
Run away, get lost in the streets, and just keep on running.

~run~


12:10 PM Saturday, June 21, 2008


unexpected

Past few weeks i've been feeling erally moody. I'm not connected to the world, i feel so out, so crappy. I guess it's the worrying and the strees, i hope that's the reason. I want to get back in shape, literally my feelings and my body. I'm sorry if i bitched on you, i strictly have no intent to show that i hate you. It's just i'm really worn out this past weeks. Little stuff makes me angry, get on my nerves so easily. Although i actted like i don't care, deep down inside i really do, you have to know that.

We plan about the party. I hope you would come. But i'm not willing to tell my friends this time i have a crush on you. I told them about the other one, and they said i'm shallow!!! So, you can't fall for a guy. No, i shouldn't say that. They're jsut reminding me, i cannot awaken love until the time is right. I have to keep on reminding myself. But then, i still fantasize...

Our gaze met again. We're hanging out in different groups yet our eyes still meet sometime. It's always like this, and then someone turns away. Is this an attraction?! Noone is willing to voice out how they feel, maybe we both know the time isn't right. But seriously, i would like you to be my soulmate. But at the same time, i'm afraid to show you the real me. I'm afraid of the consequences of you not accepting the 'real' me. Then i'm changing myself for you?! This is just too complicated. But if you don't love the real me, i don't want to go any further. Because i'll have to pretend my whole life, let's face it, i'm not gonna do that. It hurts. I don't know if i'm ready. I'm still wondering if the note is to me. I'm scared to think right now. I'm terrified. And suddenly, you're coming to the party. Then i'll have to look perfect, try my best effort not to make a fool of myself. Then again, if trying doesn't make love, then i wasted my time. The pros and cons kept on running through my mind, it's so hard to keep. I want to just go up to you and tell the truth. Somehow, i want to know you better, a lot more, so less time.

~in love~


10:59 AM Friday, June 20, 2008


LIFTED

A load of burden is finally lifted. I can't sleep yesterday night, i kept on thinking and thinking. My brain is never at rest. This is my first time being so worried about a test.


A test, A stupid test. It doesn't prove anything, neither does it measure your success.

Yet i'm so foolish to worry about nothing.


I'm glad that god listened to my prayers, he blessed me all along. I was super happy. Thanks God for never letting my off hid guard, thanks for always being there for me, thanks for looking after me and loving me. Thank you for everything you have done for me . I just realised that people never get sick of hearing thank you, it just makes them ...




I'm raging inside. Why do you have to do this? Didn't i tell you i hate it? Can't you just respect my wills and wonts? OMG. This is so getting on my nerves. Do you know how it feels? To always have a camera watching over you, snapping pictures away, posting them up. I'm sick of trying to look good in front of the camera. People say photographs are used to capture the moment, keep memories. Too bad, i don't need one. Cause i have a darn good brain! Honestly, you don't know how much this hurts. I guess you'll never know cause you've never been hurt.



Get out! Get a life! Stop invading people's privacy! Respect others!

EDIT:

Sorry for accusing you just now. I guess i was just mad, a sudden urge. I'm sorry, i try not to jump into conclusion anymore. Thanks for listening. Thanks for giving it a thought. Stumble upon this sight. Has pretty photos. Check it out!

http://topleftpixel.com

~you don't know what you're getting into~


4:58 PM Wednesday, June 18, 2008


CRAVINGS

I was kind of studying, for the whole day. Got bored, at everything i have in the fridge. Sick of chocolate, chips, and all the junks. NEw craving, icing cupcakes. They're so cute, and really sweet. Delicious, yum-yum. They aren't that attractive in this picture, but they are in reality! Ain't this better? They have different flavors, different bases. Each of'em gives you different feeligns, when you pop them into your mouth, and lick the icing away. Somesay it's too sweet, but it's not gonna hurt once in a while. Besides, i do need my sugar when i'm locked up at home for so long, to study. Gimme a break!





There's a softball game going on. I haven't told anyone, but deep down inside, I really want to go because you're organizing it and you're gonna be there. Yes, i'm secretly in love with you. Unfortunately, i don't have the courage to tell you. I wish i can get my friends to go, some of them will, some of them will know that something's going on. I really hope you can see the sparkle in my eyes, but too bad, i try my best to hide it and act normal around you.

It's so wierd. I wish we have classes next year, i wish i get to know you more, built our relationship. Haih. I wish i'm the one you're talking about in the note. My heart is with you, only you hold the key. OMG. I can't talk like this. This is not the right time. I promised myself i'm not going to awaken love untill the time is right. I have to backup right now, let go. LET GO. Pretend everything never happenned before, earased the sparkles in between the fire.

NOTE TO SELF: let it go, if it was meant to be, everything will be in place, when the time is right. JUST LET IT BE.

~gotta learn to let go~



5:08 PM Tuesday, June 17, 2008


beach

I went to the beach today. Boohoo. I brought my notes to study too. And i actually did study, i need to, because i cannot bear the consequences, at least i tried my best right? If i still fail it, that would suck, alot. That means i'm so stupid that even when i try my best, i still can't get an 'A'. I did some past exams, and the shocking part is, my results are lower than what i expected. I was completely shock, but facing the true reality, i have no one to lean one, no one can help me. I can only be saved by the grace of God, he's the only one that can lead me and help me right now. I need him, really badly. I'm so shallow, all i can ever think is grades, i mean, it's just grades. I think i'm really studious. I'm really worried about the test. This test, i can't study, it's based on the familarity. Gramatically, i've done what i can do. The rest of the stuff is up to My God Almighty to handle, it's too much for me, and i know he will guide me as long as i hand it to him, and i will. I have to. I much prefer him guiding me and handling the problem for me.

I just realised i talked all about me studying and haven't even blogged about my trip today. Am i talkative or what? No, i'm just organizing my thoughts, in an open way so that everyone can read. It was an okay beach. Pretty scenary, hot hot sand and a burning sun. I found a place with shade and rocks around. I love that spot. I sat on the edge of the shade, so i can study in the shade, and my face won't get burn, but my legs and my body's in the sun. Ain't this smart? Some might say that i'll have an uneven tan, but actually, my tan on my face fades way slower than my legs and my arms, so my face is naturally tan.

I wore my shorts, sitting in the warm sun. Man, it felt so comfortable, i've never felt this way before. It's like cooking in an oven, now i know how much i've been missing for all the past years. There were crabs and seaweeds on the beach. Lots of people were BBQ, having fun, playing balls, waddling, chatting, and here i am studying. But hey, this is a great place to study. It .... motivated your senses! It does, it's so relax that it doesn't even feel like studying. I love the beach. Summer's here. Can't wait for it, this is just the beginning only. I want it to last.

~tanning~


10:27 PM Sunday, June 15, 2008


Temptation

I was tempted to blog. I'm officially addicted to blogging. I really don't know why, but i am. It's just a way to express my thoughts, my feelings.

Anyways >>

I am suppose to be studying for my exams and tests, but PROCASTINATION again. I ended up wondering around, surfing the net, and even watched some of the korean drama series that my mom borrowed from the library. How bad is that? And i don't stand a chance to wink this test, i'm suppose to ace it. OMG. I'm so screwed right now.

I went to a dog show earlier in the afternoon. There were so many dogs, small-dogs, big-dogs, eskimo dogs, bull dogs. You name it, every kind was there. It's like a dog world. Aren't they lucky? I saw this beard collie, that looks really close to my dream dog: Old English Shepeard. I love it. It's big and fluffy, and supper smart too, but quite weighy and fat. How can you not love something like that? When i grow up, i want an Old English Shepeard dog, i want it from a puppy is the best, so i can see him grow into a huge monster :) It's so PRETTY. So far, i haven't even seen my dream dog yet, i haven't even got in contact or even petted an Old English Shepeard. Things are just so weird, i can love the dog without even knowing how it feels in reality, all i ever saw was just pictures. You can just type it in the google search bar to see how it looks like. If you ever know there are 'Old English Shepeard' dogs on sale, email me. Thank you.


Note to self, when in love:

  • can't force somebody to love me, if they can't give me their whole heart, they don't deserve to have my whole.
  • don't fall for someone unless they are willing to catch you
  • don't awaken love until the time is right.
  • love me even when i'm in the worst of times, stay with me, never abandon me.
  • he has to know that somethings are better left unexplain, just have to trust.

~my love for you is like pi, infinate and irrational~



8:07 PM Saturday, June 14, 2008


YOU

This is what i desperately need.

A Dance that'll make me forget everything.

A good scenary that will take me away from the reality.

I want to keep on living in my dreams.

Actually no, they aren't pretty dreams at all.

And i can't control my nightmares, nor what i will dream.



I can't help it. Even when i just pop by my locker to drop off my stuff, i have to look at your direction to find you. For some reason, i just have to look at you. I can't say that i'm in love with you, but maybe i am. But you're not, so i'm out of love. I always listen to you, i tried to stare into your eyes when you talk but i just can't. I feel shy.

I don't even know why i'm writing this down, but whatever. You don't know me, i don't know you, fair enough. It's just that, i have to look at you, i don't know about you though. I like you because ... there's no such list. Something in you is attracting me, that's all. I can't wait to know you more but i don't have the courage to look at you in the eye. Am i in love? Is this love? Or is this just an infatuation? that won't last long. So much for hoping. Summer's here, i won't be seeing you. We don't even talk during classes. What am i thinking? I really don't know. I so wish i can know you better, you're a really nice guy. That i won't mind having it as a best guy friend.

I don't know how to express my love for you. I don't know what to do. I'm confused. I'm stuck. I just wish someone can knock some sense into me head, wash away my memory. I have to study, right now, not later. In love? Out of love? So much for being in love? Infatuation? Crush? Fill in the blanks for me. I just hope we can know each other more.


A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment - shave, manicure, haircut, etc.
- he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said,
"It looks like your daddy forgot all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy.
"He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

LAUGH IT OFF XD this made you day ( I hope)

~hugs~


7:08 PM Friday, June 13, 2008


Study Date


I woke up this morning. Made breakfast, ate it. Wash up and get dressed. Man, it felt so good to take a shower early in the morning. My mind is so refreshing. The cold water gushes on my skin, the soft soap just fill the air, bubbles are everywhere. I let out my voice, and just sing freely like no one's listening, i don't care if my voice cracks your ears or just burst the waxes out. It just felt so free, no boundaries, nobody's watching. The water is so COOL!

Okay, i'm getting nuts right now. I can write a paragraph about shower. I'm so weird. I'm so lame. But that's me. LOL. After that, i went over my notes. My mom fried some rice with potatoes. They're awesome. I love them, but there are rooms for improvement. It would taste much better with sour-cream. I did some laudary, whinned a little, grumble a little...And then, finally, get dressed and went out on my study date, to the library!

Went to pick up my friend. She dressed so prettily, just for a study date. =.='' I was in capris with a T-shirt on, she was in a nice sweater with jeans on. Oh yeah, i forgot to mention the weather was great. Sunny but not hot, cool but not freezing; cotton buds were flying everywhere, so annoying. I went to the library, walked around, then settled for a spot outside on the grass, the green green grass. It was pretty.

Lied on the grass. Feel the breze, with freaking cotton floating around in the air. I didn't wear my glasses so i can't see quite cleary. Studied for a while, fooled around, talked a little about summer plans, ate a little, freaked about spiders, picked mushrooms. It was ... chaos. I love you m'dear. Hope we both ace the test together. I really want a good mark on it. It was quite a day. Thanks.

This shocked me. This was the longest time you ever study?! Are you freaking serious? And you got like a B, well maybe a C! But still, i studied and i freaking got like 95%! Fine. I'll shut up now :) I think you should study more often, well, cause i like reading. Nice day today. God bless the weather to be soo good. Let's pray it doesn't rain tomorrow, i don't want to write my test wet. Gross!
~pray for me~


4:25 PM Thursday, June 12, 2008


All for nothing

I couldn't sleep. I woke up early than usual and started curling my hair with gentle patients, aiming for perfection. I have an awards ceremony today, i kind of have a feeling that i'm going to get a plague, but then there's another kind of feeling that's totally beat my whole confidence down. Because, in order to get a plague, i have to write a paragraph, or there might be other awards that doesn't need paragraphs. I gave it a thought and decided to still put effort in my outfits and looks, it doesn't hurt to look pretty for the day right?

Anyways. I was prepared, somehow a little over excited. I walked towards the auditorium, bumped into you guys and sat with you guys. Chatted along, someonw asked me am i expecting to get an award? I looked at him blankly and said NO, but inside my heart i still cross my fingers and hope i would get one. I'm so fake. I'm such a liar. People came flooding in, filling up seats but no one sat in my row. So to my right is all my friends, to the left is space.

First they called up the track team. I was on it and i walked up to the stage. I didn't dare to look at the audience, I just keep on turning to my coach and smiled, talked to my neightbor standing beside me. After a breif talk about our achievement, we're down to our seats again. I really don't see anything special to be able to stand on the stage, i really don't know. I just know that people notice you, but so what? It's not like we did anything that's gonna change the whole world, or affect someone's life. But i can tell that some people love the attention.

After that, they started giving out awards. Names were called, awards were given. When i heard the department that i would most likely get a chance of winning, it wasn't me. It was this other girl. I swear i could have gotten it. The teacher was eyeing my on the day he said that he was going to send a boy and a girl to write the paragraph. He even chose me for that leadership but i turned him down because i have a track meet that day. I guess i crushed him totally, and he was disappointed that i let him down. So he didn't picked me. Haih, so much for nothing.

I'm glad for my friends who recieved those awards. Anyways, they deserve it. This is a great year, 3 of us got ourselves awards, one recieved citizenship, one recieved athelic , one recieved academic achievement. This is the best bonding time and the best years of my life. Time flies so fast, one year passed already. I was kind of disappointed that i didn't recieved the plague, i was suppose to, that was what i want to say. But i can't. Cause it ain't true. Well, am i dreaming? Or was it suppose to be me? It's okay, there's always next year. But then, i have to work harder, way harder. So much for preparing, all for nothing.

.it's black & white because i don't want you to judge by the color of the hair.




~lost my chance of redemption~


9:08 PM Monday, June 09, 2008


MIX

Random Thoughts:

  • I was so excited. I was standing there all day long, although my hair looked crappy and messed up, i don't care. I had a great time. Our views are so opposite, i even wonder how the heck did we get together? Friends? Best friends? I guess so. We're climbing onto each other's nerves right now.

  • I drank only gatorade and ate lots of cheese strings. Nothing particular excited, but met quite a few unexpected people. I wasn't expecting to even bumping into somebody. Everything is okay, glad that i had this opportunity to help out. Made some friends.

  • I'm so cold right now, and i though it's suppose to be COOLER. And the weather man is wrong again, it was cloudy today, good for the ballers so the sun doesn't get into his eyes. Mostly were younger guys. Heard news from you. I'm not thinking about a plan. I'm handing it to God.

  • I need to pee. Drank more than two literes of gatorade without excersicing, or even sweating because of the weather.


  • Can't wait for the BBQ at your house. I'm already thinking what to wear when it's like a month away. Haih.



1st DAY of VOLUNTEERING:

Today was my first day voluntering for NBA3on3. I reached there early and signed in for my shift. Since i dont' have a preference, i was sent to 'special events' in Rogers' booth. after we introduce ourselves, our duty was assigned. There were people to help give out prizes, people who DJ the songs with the new phone, and people who rebound for the game in case the ball goes out.

It was early in the morning, everybody was quite drozy and in a dreamy state. The weather man forcast it to be sunny, but it turned out to be cloudy. I guess this was good for the ballers since the sun won't get into their eyes when they shoot. My hopes of being tanned from volunteering has just been washed down the drain. i wore shorts and i was freezing cold. My legs actually got cramped from the cold, and my hands were numb. i kept on dancing to the music that's playing and tried to move around as much as possible. But it didnt' change the condition until the sun came out in the afternoon.

My duty ws to get the rebound and keep track of the scores. It was an easy job but i just hope the people were friendlier :( Anyways. By this shooting game, i found out that older guys tend to give up sooner and younger guys tend to keep on shooting until they made shots. Older guys would just give up when they didn't get five in a row. The intensity then drops and they basically made a fool ou tof themselves; whereas the younger ones doesn't care and keep on hustling to ge the ball, and try their best to shoot. It was just shocking to know that teenagers give up more easily! Why? Is it because we know the truth or we just have low self-esteem? Or we don't want to embarass our selves? This is a very sad sight to see. So, don't ever, EVER give up. Just KEEP TRYING. who cares if you did embarass yourselves? You don't know anyone anyways!



2nd DAY of VOLUNTEERING:

I woke up this morning, puzzled about wether or not to go volunteer or should i go to church. I thought my dad wasn't going to sent me, but i woke him up and he did. I love him. My dad is wonderful. I'm great he's my dad. It was drizzling, again the sun wasn't out. It was a grey day.

I reached the tent same time as yesterday, actually maybe a little earlier, because i wanted to get the scorekeeping shift. I want to do the finals. When i get to the tent, the person who is in charge wasn't there yet! I was shocked! A volunteer came earlier than the one who gets paid by doing her job? This is so wrong. Anways. We checked in later and there was this guy who knew we wanted a different job. And the person in charge was his mom. So he kinda sided our ways, and tried to put us in the shift we want. Finally, we get court 2 in partners! YES!Thanks God for everything.

So me and my partner is so excited, let's just say we're over the moon. We get to score keep the center court. There's another couple who's experinced in score keeping court 1. So we asked them for advice, they explain everything to us, and let us know the 'Dosss' and 'Dontssss'. I was so excited. We take turns score keep, and i ended up doing both division 1! YAY! It doesn't matter that much to me, but division one is the pro-est players in the site. Okay, 'nough said.

I watched the game and learned a lot of stuff. People were really serious in games, and they play really hard. Some made up with their height, some take advantage of their shortness and make up with speed and agility. There was this guy who is really fast! When the ball is on his check, he's there, but when the ball passed to the key, he jumps and double team the opponent that recieves the ball. Later, if the ball get's out of the trap, He jumps back to his original check who is recieving the ball. He is damn FAST! There was also this guys who is a really good dribblers, he did lots of cuts and lay-ups. The most amazing part of all, is that people froze in the air for a rebound or for a shot. They release the ball when they're in their highest point and it's like a slow motion. It's just so pretty to see the ball go in, in that posture. EXCELLENT!

Score keeping was fun! Next time, i would like to come back to volunteer for score keeping! And check out those hot guys on the court, well it's more like their skills because most of them are OLD. LOL. At least 5 years older than me. But watching them play is just like a movie. Better. Becuase i keep track of the scores and the fouls. HEHE.

To sum it up : I HAD A REALLY FUN EXPERIENCE!

~freeze time~



8:23 PM Saturday, June 07, 2008


SPEECHLESS



It was awkward between us. Is it just me? Or our friendship is changing, into a direction i couldn't understand. I just found out that i've always been living in my own fantasy. I can never step into your mind and know what you're thinking, i'm sorry. I'll try, but i'll doubt it'll be successful. Is it stereotype? I though you're the least that would fall into, i guess everything changes when it comes to religion.


Well, my God is the one and only real God. And i really want you to have this opportnity to come and know him. Besides, i just have the urge to make you come. I'm sorry if i've said words that harmed you. It's not my intention, but i haven't learn how to phrase things to make it pretty.


I thought we came up with a plan. And i'm very excited about it, you don't know how much this means to me, to be able to have you there, together learning about him. What can i say? Does that mean we're not meant to be? This is so harsh, to accept the truth. This is so hard, to change the way your thoughts are formed. I can't do it by myself. I need your help, God's help, the only way that can make miracles happen.


I was so giddy up about everything before. And i just recieved an email about you rejecting the plan we thought would work. Haih. I'm a little dissapointed, i have nothing to come up with. I don't know what to say. It's al back to parents again. They made our decisions, we don't get to chose, we want to honour them, and do what are interest is at the same time. I still couldn't figure how we're able to comprehend.


I'm throughly sick of it. Yes, money problems. I just realised how much i was blessed. So much more, all the little details. I'm counting my blessings all the way. Thanks for everything, you're the one i need to say thank you to, for everything and anything and yet nothing. There's so much words and phrases are jumbled in my thoughts, and i'm afraid to blurt it out, because of morality and logic. This is driving me insane. My hope 'swings' up and down.


Maybe this is a good sign. I have to hand all my plans to God. I really can't plan anything. God, please make a way, if this isn't your way, let me try to let go of this. I don't know what to say. I also just recently know how much negativity about you is outthere, in the world and i was shield by all those comments. I never knew that before. It's like i was just born, or my parents protected me from the ugly world. But i've made my heart, to follow you right?





I really want to NO. I'M ABSOLUTELY FOLLOWING YOU.
PLEASE GUIDE ME THROUGH ROUGH TIME.
GIVE ME COMFORT AND REASSURANCE.
CONTINUE TO BLESS ME AND TELL ME YOUR WAY.

* i would honestly love to step into people's mind and wipe all their brain cells away that has a smudge or slight thoughts about doubting you're power or majestic. *

I just can't believe how can they think it that way, i'm glad it never occured to me.

Now i know how is it overwhelming.

It is the fact.

The miraculous fact.

The wonderful news.

Thanks for everything, please plan my future acts and speech.



~i'm powerless, you're in control, lead me~


7:30 PM Friday, June 06, 2008


FORMAL

Today, is my last time performing for an audience. My last band concert. I haven't even practiced my part and yet i have to play. It was OKAY. I like how our eyes met. And the smile you replied. It's just heart-warming. Oh, i wish you feel that way too. Unfortunately, i can't tell. How would i know, if it's directed to me? How do i know that you feel the same way too? I wish i can see through you, interpret your thoughts. But then, i'm afraid of what i would see, cause i might not be in your heart. I might just be 'nothing'. Then, i'll have to learn to let go, and scold myself again from believing all the fantaies i dream off.

Words can't describe how i feel.
I'm watching GLORY ROAD.
so CHAO.

~add fuel to the fire~


1:12 PM Thursday, June 05, 2008


MIRACLES DO HAPPEN

MIRACLES DO HAPPEN
MIRACLES DO HAPPEN
MIRACLES DO HAPPEN
MIRACLES DO HAPPEN


I can't believe this is happenning. YES! Well, i can't gurantee anything, but i can sense it. Miracles do happen. I was so happy. Just hope everything is going to go well tonight. No matter what, i'm going to have faith and know that tonight is going to be alright, right? Yes, i think it's going to be alright. But i don't know how this is going to happen.

I have a concert tonight. Standing behind the stands, playing and rethinking, memorising my ntoes for tomorrows test, praying that the chat later is going to solve everything. I can't handle my to-do-list. I need to hand it to you to control everything i do. I can't do it alone. I need you. And i thank you for being there, now i kind of know what you mean.

I've been living in my own fairy tale for so long, i've always thought i knew reality. But i just realised, i only know part of the secret, there's a whole bunch of stuff out there that i have no idea or whatsoever. It's just shocking to actually know what you think about me. I never would have guessed your that type of person. I really hope i can just prove it to you, that MY GOD is real, living and the only GOD. The nonsence that you talked about or trash about doesn't affect me, that's me. I can feel it, the distance between us id growing wider, i can't help it. That's the way it is if you chose to go down that road. I've made up my mind, i won't turn back because of some rumors or some bullshit.

JUST SHUT UP IF YOU DON"T KNOW ANYTHING.

~shocking~


4:51 PM Wednesday, June 04, 2008


DUMBO

I FEEL SO DUMB. NO CAN DO. THAT"S THE WAY IT IS.

First, i walked up the stairs as usual. Nothing special. Suddenly, i tripped, and lost my balance. All of my books and sheets fell out of my hands. Everythin happenned in a slow motion. I have no control over my legs, they felt weak and i can't balnce myself. I feel to the floor, legs on the ground. My head almost his the wall. I am not quite sure did i hit it or not. But then, my nose did get hurt. I guess i hit it.

My eyes are stinging, i almost cried. I should have cried, but i saved it instead. I got up, wiped my lips. Shoot! There's blood on my hands. I fingred my nose. It hurts. But it isn't bleedng. I cover up myself, went into his room, dropped off my books and ran to the washroom.

I looked at myself in the mirror. Break down and rinsed my mouth. It wasn't bleeding that much. I was just freaking out myself. But my teeth is really UGLY! I need to have better habbits in brushing my teeth! LOL! Anyways. It still hurts. So much. And you don't even care, i guess you have better stuff to do. Or you don't know anything better. about me. I don't know what his means. I try not to think. But i realised who truly cares about me.

I'm so STUPID. I'm so DUMB.
I tripped and fell while WALKIN UP THE STAIRS.
I have no idea if that's even possible.
LAUGH IT OFF. I DON'T MIND.



~break my nose~


4:46 PM Tuesday, June 03, 2008


STUMBLE UPON

I just found something really interesting. Isn't this ballet shoe really pretty? I think it is. I started to remember, my chilhood. I used to dance ballet, i wasn't that good at it because nothing motivates me and i don't quite undertand what's the point of doing it. Everything is just the way it is of how my parents wanted me too. I don't have a choice right? Maybe i do but i just didn't realise it till now. And it's a little too late, but not exactly late into the kind of situation where nothing could be done. Right now, at least i have a say and a chance of redemption, so it's not that bad.








Anyways, suddenly i thought about the camp. One whole week without you guys by my side, one whole week with other people. That would be AWESOME! MY SUMMER IS ROCKING HARD! But then, i start to wonder why can't you just let me go. And i thought of it. True, there might be a chance he'll wonder off, to somebody's arms. But then, that's the point, you have to trust him, have faith in him. That's a big leap, people change, no matter how deep you understand the person, there's still some secrets in between.

When you answer my questions, i knew there was something hanging in the air. You're thinking how to phrase it and should you tell it or not, I made your life easier. I provide you an answer. But i'm really looking for ward to something that i don't even have permission to go yet, how stupid is that. I'm getting all my hopes up again. And it'll crush again till nothin happens. So much for that.

~please just let me go~


5:42 PM Monday, June 02, 2008


Tired

My eyes are swollen. My blood veins are visible on the white pupil. It stands out so much, i have blood shot eyes. I need to get more sleep. At the same time, i need to study more. I need better time management. I need to cut down my interest.

Everythings seems so fake.
I'm tired of studying.
I'm tired of running.
I'm tired of cramming.
I'm tired of sleeping.
I'm tired. period.




I just had my piano recital. I was actually shiverring while i was up there playing. I don't know, the keys are just odd. On top of that, i didn't adjust my chair, so i had to hunch in order to play. It was okay. Nothing much. Same kind of phobia. Or maybe i not. I think it's normal when you had your first piano recital. Hey at least i didn't play the wrong notes. But i think i can do better.




I watched a movie. And i learned something.
There is a difference between your best and the best.
Enough said. It's pretty obvious.



The meet was fine. Amazed by how fast people can run. It's like a machine that doesn't get tired. Chat with you. Like a kiss would make him run any faster. I like you as a friend. Or maybe a good friend. Not any more further, i think. I still can't catch your eye, maybe we're not meant to be.

~stranded & lost~


12:25 PM Sunday, June 01, 2008