again and again

LOVE it, HATE it, It's all yours.

~it's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance; it's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance; it'sthe mind afraid of losing never learns to give; it's the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.

~i just can't see things working out the way i planned them in my head. so forget it, i'm running.

~sometimes you have to break the rules and stand apart ignore your head and follow your heart.

~acknowledge me or lose me forever.

~what we do doesn't define who we are, what defines us is how we rise after falling down.

~don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

~you're so unpredictable and i'm so typical. i tried to sell you a heart before you saw the world.

~sometimes i can't believe my eyes. i want to stare up and get lost in the city lights because i've had enough and this is the end and now i understand that a heart breaks, it does not bend

~how are we expected to live in a real world when more than hald of the people living in it are fake?

~ dreams are the only place to where everything seems to be perfect, nothing is out of reach and everything you want, you have

~things happened for a reason, tears eventually fade and one day everything will be exactly how its supposed to be; moving on is a process, you have to promise yourself you're really ready to let go.

~ im thinking its a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they perfectly alligned.

~guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will and outlive the bastards.

~there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

~liars can't tell lies apart because they believe that everyone is always lying, just like them. they never trust in others.

~when you are in love, you can't fell asleep because reality is better than your dreams.

~some people come into our lives and dissappear; while others stay for a while, make footprints and we'll never be the same again.

~it's not love that hurts.it's the infatuation with what we so blindly accept as love that hurts.true love should never have to hurt.

~sometimes it's easier to day i don't care than to explain all the reasons you do.

~maybe sometimes it's a good thing to stumble. because there's a better way to stand. maybe sometimes we cry. because laughter cannot hide the worst.

~fake a smile like nothing is wrong. talk like everything is perfect. act like it's all a dream. pretend none of this is hurting. just so maybe i'll actually start to believe the lies in between.

~you'll never know untill you try. you'll never try until it's too late.

~someone will always catch you when you fall. and it won't always be who you thought it would. the people you think love you most might watch you fall, wait, and then congratulate you when you find your own way back up. this doesn't mean they love you less. they just know that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

~i'd give it all, everything and anything, but i wouldn't give up just like that.

~the best you can do is do the right thing. the second best you can do is the wrong thing. and the worst you can do is nothing.

~fight for the things you love, love the things you're fighting for.

~i'm not the person i use to be, i admit, a lot of shit got to me.

~in my heart if someone tells me i can't do something, i'm gonna do it just to prove i can.

~be the best you can be, and the worst without being get caught.

~when you get to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on.

~it's too late to walk away, because i've already stumble. and i'll keep falling, until i hit the ground-again.

~don't give up when you still wanna try. don't wipe your tears when you still wanna cry. don't stop asking questions if you still wanna know.

~the simplest things we tend to ignore are the simplest thing that matters so much more.

~only tears know how to remind us, we all break the same.

~i want to make a decision, but i forgotten how to chose.

~and here i go again. thinking about what i. could have done. would have done. should have done.

~living up to the expectations without cracking the pressure.

~how many times are you going to let someone say they'll never do it again before you realise they will.

~i've built a wall. not to block anyone out. but to see who loves me enough to climb over it.

~too often, the things you want are the thing you don't have. desire leaves us heartbroken and wears us out. but as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are the people who don't know what they want.

~it's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you ever wanted.

~under my feeling. under my skin. under the thoughts from within. learning the subtext of the mind.

~find grace in in mistakes

~with love and grief in mind, not yet ready to give all in and crumble.

~when something unexpected comes, just pick it up and run.

~you closed you eyes. that's the difference. you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. it you're ever going to have other people to trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too. even when in the dark. even when you're falling.

~did i make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

~simple dreams are the most painful because they seem so reasonable, so personal, so attainable. always close enough to touch but never close enough to hold.

~when you can lean on no one else, you'll find yourself.

~if you want what you've never had, you have to do what you've never done before.

~it's one thing to understand, but another to accept.

~staring up at the stars at night. i'm satisfied to know although we're million miles away, we sleep under the same sky.

~two stars blinking in the vast blue sky, shining and making signals, seem so close yet so far.

~sometimes you just have to run, and never turn back until you've reach where you want to be.

~just because you deserve it, doesn't mean they're gonna give it to you, you have to fight for it.

~if you don't understand silence, you don't deserve words.

~don't be so quick to judge, i only chose what to show.

~one of the hardest moments in life is deciding whether to give up or to try harder.

~when you have everything you ever wanted, that's when you have somthing to lose.

~you really shouldn't say i love you unless you mean it. but if you mean it, you should say it a lot. people forget.

~what done is done, i can't change time. but i'll be damned if i'm not gonna try.

~the trouble is, if you don'to risk, you risk even more.

~you have to learn to push through your fatigue even when you're tired.

~there's a reason why you're gone this far, just be yourself.

~somethings are meant to be broken, imperfect, chaotic. it's just the way the universe provides contrast.

~screw it. or love it.

~we spend time telling ourselves that everything happens for a reason. when in reality we give reasons for everything that happens.

~something simple as words can have such a strong affect on feelings.

~never say sorry for saying what you feel. that's like apologizing for being real.

~sometimes you don't know you've crossed a line until you're already on the other side.

~eyes are the doorways to heart, where all the love resides.

~if you love someone, you would be willing to give up everything you have. but if they love you back, they'd never ask you to.

~torn between a world of hates and a world of dreams. so much to lose, so much to gain, so much to fight for, so much to change.

~optimism means expecting the best, confidence means handling the worst.

~i took a chance, took a shot. you might think i'm bullet proof, but i'm not.

~if you believe it's in my soul. i'd say all the words that i know. just to see if it would show. that i'm trying to let you know.

~and then i remember to relax and stop holding on to it. everything then flows through me like rain and i can't feel gratitude for every single moment of a stupid life.

~sometimes to move forward, you have to look back.

~the more you care the more you lose.

~broken into pieces but no one can see it. you won't believe, i have nothing left to lose.

~behind my smile is a hurting heart. behind a laughter i'm falling apart. who you see isn't who i really am.

~capture my feelings in a box. make it glass so the world can see. seal it up. do not touch. the vulnerability i behold is beyong my control.

~when life offers a dream so far beyond expectations, it's not resonable to grieve when it comes to an end.

~you bite your tongue and pretend that you're made of stone. you never let it show, but honey, everybody knows.

~give up what you can't keep to gain what you can't lose.

~if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

~dance to no music, love without fear.

~love does things for reasons that reasons cannot understand.

~if it is true love, fight as hell for it because it's worth it.

~seduction is destruction, love is a function, sex is a succession. put your powers to seduce the showstoppers and make them the jawdroppers, gear into love without being a disfunctional relationship, and get down dirty if you reach the right level of feeling cause sex is no reduction even in this recession.

~there is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness.

~don't worry about not falling in love, in fairytales, they fall in love in the last page.

~almost lovers always brings heartahce.

~if you don't go after what you want you'll never have it. But sometimes, what you want is not what you need, and what you need may not be what you want.

February 2008
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October 2010
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January 2011
February 2011

highlights in boot camp

:eins:

Waited and waited and waited for the people to arrive. Then, we got on to a car and our journey began. Driving in silence, trying to make an effort and carry out a conversation, even though we're all comfortable in the silence. I guess we're all excited inside out.

When we reached the destination, you're there already. We started to unload and help set up tents. We did it in a pretty quick pace. Although the rain was pouring, it was like a piece of cake. We all worked together and chipped in. Since we're all wet, and it's like noon only, we decided to go for a run around the lake. It was drizzling, pouring, chilly. I was soaking, but it felt good to run. We did laps around the lake. Supposively we should do five, but we calculated the distance and figured out we did more than we needed to. But i wasn't tired at all, after the car ride, setting up tents, and being soaked in the rain without rain gear. I have all the energy i need.

Stomachs grumble, everyone is starving after the run. We bought out our lunch and started to eat like a bear. Then we rolled out our sleepign bags, take out our sleeping stuff & toiletries prepare for the dark to arrive. We went for another hike and i was given a red poncho as my only rain gear! Thank you! The trails were fine, but your pace was insane. You're walking, but somehow i always ended up running to catch up. I don't get it, i tried matching your footsteps. But still, you're ahead of me. Hmmmm. Something is fishy. Could it be the shoe sizes??? I have no idea, a mystery to be solved.

We're walking/hiking. Talking and observing, soaking in every nature bits. Suddenly, i heard snapping sounds that thunder in my ears. I started running, quickenning my footsteps to catch up a head. You're lagging behind me. I can't see where the tree is falling, or what's happenning. I just sped up my footsteps. BOOOM! A tree landed right in front of me in that percise second, causing my to bend over due to my speed. I screamed as a natural instinct. We helped each other over the tree and catch up with the bunch of people. We then explained what happenned. But no one seemed to care. I thought about it. I could actually be killed, or knocked unconcious if i iwas a tad faster. I'm glad i was slow. Thank God for saving my life. You kept on insisting it's luck, but in your tone, i know there are doubts. This isn't luc, this is blessing, and the fact that God will take care of you no matter what happens, There's nothing to be worry about, nothing to fred about. Even worst, i don't feel bad or worried that i was gonna die. Everything feels unreal, too fake too good to be true that i'm still alive. Almost killed on the first day of camping, how bizarre?!

When it's time to roll into our sleeping bags. I can't fall asleep. I stared into blank space, thinking about nothing in particular. I count and flip and flop. Nothing works, i just can't go to sleep. I think i stayed up till two o'clock and then i had a light sleep. I was awake at six-thirty in the morning again. Ready for the morning run.

:zwei:

Woke up got dressed and went for a run. This run in the morning is brutal. I was tired and wasted on the second lap. It felt like the third lap. I was dead tired, exhausted and outa breath. But i'm glad i pushed myself to do four killer laps, i'm happy that i stuck behind you, hanging in there and not giving up. After that, we had a hearty breakfast. Well, kind of, since th racoons attack last night, we lost some chocolates but everything is still fine. Mini-wheats and milk for breakfast!

We washed, changed and prepared for lunch. Sandwhich that includes cooked ham with butter, tomatoes, cucumbers and cheese. Hiking as usual, getting lost, settled for lunch, head back to campsite. Later in the evening, a run again. My legs are killing me. I've ran too much. I've never done anything like that before. Dinner was good. We played uno/cards/slapjack to pass time in your tent. Betting on push ups/chocoltates/drying shoes/hats/sockes/cooking/dishes. It was fun!

Since i had a bad night sleep yesterday, i decided to play cards till the night ends. I couldn't sleep anyways. We played at the dinning tent with the lantern on. Betting on chocolates as gold, kinda like gambling in camp! How insane is that? Then, a person with a flashlight shone us. We're stunned. He told us he[s the park ranger and that we have to keep our food in a car because there's bears. We woke out coach up and told him. We moved all the food in one big box and sent it off the truck to the gate house. We have to figure something fast if we want to stay for five days or we might have to call short for this trip.

After hearing the bear news, i couldn't fall asleep. So i went into his tent to play cards. It was fun? Let's just say time passed, it's just one of the ways to kill time and feel tired. And also another way to fall asleep! We chated, fooled, hugged, hit, bite, ate... but only played three to four rounds and we have to go to bed. We have to be up by six fourty five! Or we'll have huge eye bags (i have them anyways)! And we're running tomorrow in the morning. When i got back to my tent, i fell asleep once i made space and crawled into my sleeping bag. It was a tired good night sleep. I did pray before i go to sleep, that's why i feel so peaceful.

.drei.

Woke up in the morning, as usual. Threw myself out of bed, rushed, tied my hair, gathered my toileteries, changed, pee, washroom, clean up...RUN. When i started running, my knee felt really weird. An immediate fear crep over me. Worries and fear of what will happen and how i would survive or will i be healed surround me. I can't keep on running. My coach is just right behind me! (i'm usually faster a litter) I can't go on anymore, i stopped, on my second lap. It was brutal. For the first time, i decided to quit, i made a fast decision to quit. And worst, the coach let me quit. Technically, it's not quit, but i never stopped doing something just like that. Although my knee really hurts, i shouldn't just give up. But i remembered what i was thinking, it was stupid and foolish. I mean, i knew my God would protect me and heal me. But i guess deep down in my heart, i've reached my limits, i've ran too much, gone too far, exceed my space and strength. Weirdly, i don't feel dead tired, the air is clean. The only thing that bugs me is my weak knee.

I can't bear to feel weak. I really need to learn how to cope with weakness. I can handle sore, and keep on pushing, peserve until i reached my goal. But weakness, just kills me, inside and outside. I cannot, i repeat, cannot handle weakness. Sometimes i fell really weak, and i can't bring myself to do anything, i just stare into the air, thinking about nothing in particular. And that's when i pray and pray and pray, until a miracle happen. It always does, and i thank you for that.

Everyone asked my how i feel, i said i'm fine. A lie that i truly believe, or i chose to believe. I need supportive, i need to get back up, FAST. This is camp, anything and everything can happen. I slowly let myself do work and stuff, still not allowing myself to rest. Get real, i can't stand weakness, i need to work and move, not let my weak knee rot! I helped prepared lunch, and went to pack my belongings. After that is the hike, which is about a 30 minute drive from our campsite. Due to the limited space-people-car, we have to go in 2 trips. First them, then us.

I didn't expect that when it was me and you. I don't know what to say. Somehow i don't fit in both groups, although i act like i do. Too much stuff going on, too much lust happenning, too much unnecessary drama. Nevermind, i can't do anything, i don't have reasons to back me up. I just let things flow the way it is.

Later on, it's just you and me. We played cards, again. There was silence between us, then a little chit-chat once in a while. It was peace and quiet. I can tell you aren't comfortable with me, i think. But i don't care, you chose to left me here, there were other choices left for you to make. But you are really shy and quiet that day, funny how it works. When the car arrived, we got on and made way to our destination.

We hiked. This hike was miraculous. There were rocks, high huge rocks, trees, huge/small/thin/wide, different kind, all with moss on top of them. The hike was about 2.5 km and 550feet in elevation. There were ladders and chains during the course. It was not a walk in the park. It was amazing. My parent would never bring me to this kind of hike. You climb on top of rocks, grip on to chain or else you're a goner, walk on rocks (i was amzed that you can actually walk on rocks). Going up, was the best part. Sadly, i want to admire my surroundings. But all i saw was which step here-step there-up-ready-push. This is all i was thinking.

After all the cold sweat and legs sore, i was finally up there. ON THE PEAK. In between, my knee isn't weak anymore, i guess there something more interesting than ranting or noticing my pain or weakness. The view was breathless. I can't believe i was this high, i can't believe i climbed all the way up, here. It's amazing! All the stuff down there are like toys, toys that my brother used to play when he was young. It's like you can control everything, and everythign fits together so prettily in one piece, beautiful, amazing, breath taking. My best hike ever. The highest i've ever been on foot, with my friends, and the coach i love. Basically, amazing, period.

But then, the pain begans. It was going down that kills. Somehow, it's harder for me. As it is known, i'm wierd, i can do what people can't do, i can't do what people can do. Going up is like way easier for me, and not even a bit of tiredness (well, maybe a bit) but going down hurts me, inside out. I don't know why either. It's just, i don't feel safe and comfortable. But when the coach glares at me, i understand the frustration deep within. He wants to accompany his son, make it last and have a great time with his little baby. But he has to put it aside and wait patiently for us. Out of fear, i overcomed my fear. Ain't this crazy? I have to pushed past my limits, just for you. And i thank you that you stayed in front of me, waiting for me. I know how annoying that is. Thank you, i realyl appreciate it, i couldn't have done it without you.

When i finally reached the bottom. I'm so glad that it was over. I was zoned out, but i pulled it back and started to fool around to pass time while waiting for the ride. It was raining and yet wer're fooling and laughing our stomachs off under the tree! It was a really cool afternoon, in both ways, the weather and the environment. By the way, my legs are sore but i'm too hyped up to bother about my weak knee.

.vier.

Had two good night sleeps in a row! I guess i was really tired and sore all over. When we woke up, we went for a run. My knee is just on the edge. I made it through, i think. After that we packed out lunches and ready to go on our last last hike.

We started walking endlessly. Up the hill, down the turn, to the left, to the right. We have no idea where we're going, but we still go on. We're wakling and walking, hoping for a breathtaking view and a place for us to have our lunch. It was like walking ahead without an aim, we don't even know what's ahead of us and how fat we've gone. Basically, we just follow the trail and pick roads when there's a split end. What a random hike.

Counting the seconds along the way, because there's nothing more to do. Our stomach's are grumbling loudly. We decided to keep on walking. Till we reach a dead end, and we saw the wires again. It wasn't a pretty sight at all, but we're too exhausted to care. We polped down on the rocks and started eating our lunch. There were loads of wild flower aroudn us, bees are busy buzzing around. Is was a sunny day, nothing special, nothing much on our last hike. We headed back to the camp site, without any dissapointments but a happy stomach.

It was our free time. We started playing cards. Rounds and rounds. It wasn't that fun after we added more people to the game, suprisingly. It was annoying, or maybe i was the one who isn't enjoying the game. It was a long long game. I lost, again. But this time, i have to cook. Yup, that's the losers' punishment. We went for a run before dinner to avoid running in the creepy woods late at night. I killed myself during the run because i felt like it. It was my last evening run, this sums up all the hardcore training throughout the summer. It's all wasted on the trails near the lake. I felt good, bursting into the washroom after the run. It was a killer, and it felt good. It was the best run i've ever had. No barriers, no edges. Just me running, pushing to my limits, God taking care of me, loving me. It all fit together, perfectly without flaws.

After that, it started to drizzle. Rain rain rain after the miraculous run, such a perfect timing. Wash away my sanity, i wanna feel the thunder i wanna scream, let the rain fall down, i'm comin' clean. Dinner was the loser's responsibility. I've never cooked the menu before, so it's new. It turned out like baby food. Oh wells, i bet it's a last dinner to remember. Hey, every camp needs to have at least one sucky dinner to complain, right? So let it be, suck it up. But our dinner keeps you really warm, although it looks really bad and unpresentable. Lesson learned, never make losers cook the food that you want to eat.

Later that night, we did smores. Marshmalow + chocolate + graham crackers = fire in the rain. We made smores and had a fire in the rain. Around the dancing flames, thoughts circled the pit, everyone stares into the killer bright flames, the speechless moment was priceless. It was cozy and comfortable even if the silence haning in the air. No words can ever replace the beauty of silence. You can hear raindrops falling on your shoulders, tapping you head, yet you're staring into a warm fire, dancing brightly in the dark night, everything around you is pitch black, all you can see is the blurry faces of the person sitting next to you. This concludes my last night. A beautiful peaceful nights, too bad we can't see the stars shinning brightly because of the trees around us. Nevertheless, it was a rare beauty.

. fünf.

Woke up went for a run, a last morning run. It was drizzling. My last time running around the lake, trying my very best to soak in all the beauty. I can't go any more further. I've reached my limits. It was a tiring run, a long run. I was distracted. I was unmotivated. I was too tired from the killer run yesterday. But the lake is beautiful, flawless nature.

We packed and waited for the car rides. We left our footprints as words on the soil. Hopefully, just for remembrance. The car ride was complete silence. Nobody said a word for the whole hour or so. Silence seem to be so comfortable between us. I like that. I can just doze off and look around the scenary passing by before my eyes. Bye bye lake. Bye bye camp. Bye bye, spread the love.

♥ 9:12 AM Friday, August 29, 2008