Finally, i have the courage to stand up and get a ball, I start dribbling. Man, i haven't touched the ball for so long. I started to shoot around, wasn't that bad, about 70% of my jumpshots are in. I was nervous, i was worried, i was new, i don't know anyone. When the coach called us in, and instruct the first drill, i was completely lost. It was far more intense, the speed was wawy faster and there's no mistake. Everyone know what they're doing except me, weird enough, a fear crept over my shoulder. I tried my hardest to concentrate and focus, which i did, but i'm just not used to those damn hard firery passes and care like cannon ball that just shot straight at you. I got his twice, once in the jaw, once in the shoulder. I wanted to cry so badly when the first drill started, actually, i did. I cried inside my heart, but on the outside i left a neutral face for everyone to see and prove that i'm strong, but i'm totally crushed inside, wondering 'what am i doint here? It clearly proves that i don't belong here. why did i even expect so much? how can i be so stupid and not realise anything? damn it, damn me.'
My mind is swirling, thoughts are flying, i feel like i'm the black sheep of the whole team. Worst, i can screw up the whole team, i don't even dare to think what the coach thinks about me, i really don't. I lost the ball so many times that the coach doesn't even bother to look at me. It was so bad that i can't even look at myseld how i played. I wanted to quit so badly but too bad, my dignity and pride makes me think twice, I'm not a quiter. Am i that weak, i can't survive 3 days? No way, no matter what, i want to push it to my limit. I have to, i won't quit, that's not me, i'll pray, hope, believe, anything with God is possible. I'm pretty stubborn so excuse my while i try and try again.
2nd day: I opened my eyes, the sky isn't that bright. I play around with my hair, tons of thoughts are flooding through my mind, replaying what happenned yesterday, predicting what is about to happen, glorious moment or the worst nightmare. I'm lost in my own thoughts, lost in my own imagination. I can't hold it anymore, i need to use the washroom. I went droozily and came back, dump myself on the bed, and try my best to fall asleep again. I tossed to the right, tossed to the left, nothing works. My mind is too awake to fall back to sleep, i went to check the clock, wth? 5.15 am? That's freaking early, I need to get more sleep in order to compete for today. I force myself to go to sleep, i don't know how i did that, but when i opened my eyes again, it was 8.30!
I roll out of bed immediately, get brushed get dressed, and went to eat the heartily breakfast that is prepared by my wonderful parents. I do love them despite all the time my complaints about them, i do know that everything they do is for my good. Thank You! Breakfast was awesome, best homemade fried rice ever, my dad's recipe rocks! There's fifteen minutes early so i went on bed and lie there till it's time. Then i phoned my friends just to get a T-shirt that i want. Haih, imma spoiled brat!
I was in the car, looking out the window, regretting why i ever sign up for this. I can't remember what i was thinking, i surely made a mistake, but i'm glad i'm not sore yet. I guess the cool down i did yesterday night was pretty effective. Anyways, iw as early, the gym wasn't open. I waited for a while and then i walked in. It was a different coach this time. He coaches totally different, he said today was 'mentally challenge', yesterday was 'physically challenge'. That's why i felt so used yesterday, wasted.
It was better a little, but still not what i want me myself to play. It was ok, i did make some lay-ups, and the best thing today is that i made a lay-up on this super fast girl, but it was only once. Somehow, i don't played bigger than i usually did. My hands were all over the place, i was bigger than than i was during regular season. This is a good thing, after today, i dont' think i'll ever be the same again. I built my courage and actually conquer my fear, somewhat. But give me time, and i think ic an handle it better.
Two days down, one more day to go. I'm actually not expecting to get in because i kinda know where i stand. But if i miracles to happen, and everything with God is possible, and if i do, i think there's a purpose. Unfortunately, i'm sore all over when i get back home. I can't even walked properly, how can i even run? My muscles are so tired, i wish i can burry myself in a icepack and let my muscles heel. But i know a better and faster way to get rid of the pain, that is to pray to my God, he is the greates and my savior. He cleanse my sins and i know he can heal me, from the inside out, physically or mentally, he's always there for me, and for you. Pray to him and have faith, miracles to happen. Thank you, Lord for blessing me this opportunity to play with the strangers. Thanks.
3rd day: My dad woke me up early today so it would be convinient to drive my family to church first then send me to the last day of try-outs. I was draggin time because i want him to drop them off and send me to try-outs as soon as possible. I was nervous, so i really don't wanna be late, unfortunately, i failed. Went to church, sang my heart out, praying that i will get better and play better during try-outs. When it's offering, i asked him the time. Suprisingly, time flies. I rushed him but he hesitate and say it can be delay. I was shocked and tears start rolling down leaving a wetline on my cheek, while the offering ushers walked past me. I tried to burry my face but it wouuld be too awkward, the only thing i can do is to stay calm and try to stop myself from crying.
After a few minutes, my dad moved, and hinted me to follow him out to the car. We're finally leaving, i don't know, i think i made the wrong decisions. Clearly, going to church and learning about God is far more important than try-out, unfortunately, i was too caught up with it, my priorities are wrong. I gave into temptation again, i don't know, is this a test? I'm confused. I really am.
It was bad today, i wasn't technically pushing myself all i can because i am so sore. My sides and my legs are killing me even to just stand upright. But when the coach start coaching, i forget about everything and push myself to make it seem allrigh, but deep down i know it isn't. I was sucky today, but the looks on the coaches face, i know he's not interested in training me. So much for my hopes and my imagination of succeeding and making into the team. He doesn't correct me, he doesn't go harsh on me like other girls do, and i know i wasn't up to the 'girls' standard yet. Hey, this is my first time, i think i did pretty good for a beginner, and i've never been in any elite or whatsoever 'pro' program. This is my very first time. I learned a lot so i'm not going to complain but i may go back next year if my friends are coming, i definately don't want to come alone.
So much for expecting, so much for hoping, i guess i have to learn how to let go, the thing is i learnt something and gain experience. Honestly, i haven't lost a lot yet. There was this girl who is super extra vicious but her height is a problem. This is just sad, at least i'm not the one with the talent and skills. But one thing for sure, i'm going to try hard and pick up from what i learned in this 3 days. I NEED TIME TO PRACTICE!
~so much for hoping and expecting but i guess it's your way, so let it be~