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MAYBE IT'S TIME
TO LET YOUR WALLS DOWN
& LET LOVE SHINE
just for you

LOVE it, HATE it, It's all yours.

mistakes you knew,
i've made a few

~it's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance; it's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance; it'sthe mind afraid of losing never learns to give; it's the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.

~i just can't see things working out the way i planned them in my head. so forget it, i'm running.

~sometimes you have to break the rules and stand apart ignore your head and follow your heart.

~acknowledge me or lose me forever.

~what we do doesn't define who we are, what defines us is how we rise after falling down.

~don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

~you're so unpredictable and i'm so typical. i tried to sell you a heart before you saw the world.

~sometimes i can't believe my eyes. i want to stare up and get lost in the city lights because i've had enough and this is the end and now i understand that a heart breaks, it does not bend

~how are we expected to live in a real world when more than hald of the people living in it are fake?

~ dreams are the only place to where everything seems to be perfect, nothing is out of reach and everything you want, you have

~things happened for a reason, tears eventually fade and one day everything will be exactly how its supposed to be; moving on is a process, you have to promise yourself you're really ready to let go.

~ im thinking its a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they perfectly alligned.

~guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will and outlive the bastards.

~there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

~liars can't tell lies apart because they believe that everyone is always lying, just like them. they never trust in others.

~when you are in love, you can't fell asleep because reality is better than your dreams.

~some people come into our lives and dissappear; while others stay for a while, make footprints and we'll never be the same again.

~it's not love that hurts.it's the infatuation with what we so blindly accept as love that hurts.true love should never have to hurt.

~sometimes it's easier to day i don't care than to explain all the reasons you do.

~maybe sometimes it's a good thing to stumble. because there's a better way to stand. maybe sometimes we cry. because laughter cannot hide the worst.

~fake a smile like nothing is wrong. talk like everything is perfect. act like it's all a dream. pretend none of this is hurting. just so maybe i'll actually start to believe the lies in between.

~you'll never know untill you try. you'll never try until it's too late.

~someone will always catch you when you fall. and it won't always be who you thought it would. the people you think love you most might watch you fall, wait, and then congratulate you when you find your own way back up. this doesn't mean they love you less. they just know that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

~i'd give it all, everything and anything, but i wouldn't give up just like that.

~the best you can do is do the right thing. the second best you can do is the wrong thing. and the worst you can do is nothing.

~fight for the things you love, love the things you're fighting for.

~i'm not the person i use to be, i admit, a lot of shit got to me.

~in my heart if someone tells me i can't do something, i'm gonna do it just to prove i can.

~be the best you can be, and the worst without being get caught.

~when you get to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on.

~it's too late to walk away, because i've already stumble. and i'll keep falling, until i hit the ground-again.

~don't give up when you still wanna try. don't wipe your tears when you still wanna cry. don't stop asking questions if you still wanna know.

~the simplest things we tend to ignore are the simplest thing that matters so much more.

~only tears know how to remind us, we all break the same.

~i want to make a decision, but i forgotten how to chose.

~and here i go again. thinking about what i. could have done. would have done. should have done.

~living up to the expectations without cracking the pressure.

~how many times are you going to let someone say they'll never do it again before you realise they will.

~i've built a wall. not to block anyone out. but to see who loves me enough to climb over it.

~too often, the things you want are the thing you don't have. desire leaves us heartbroken and wears us out. but as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are the people who don't know what they want.

~it's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you ever wanted.

~under my feeling. under my skin. under the thoughts from within. learning the subtext of the mind.

~find grace in in mistakes

~with love and grief in mind, not yet ready to give all in and crumble.

~when something unexpected comes, just pick it up and run.

~you closed you eyes. that's the difference. you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. it you're ever going to have other people to trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too. even when in the dark. even when you're falling.

~did i make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

~simple dreams are the most painful because they seem so reasonable, so personal, so attainable. always close enough to touch but never close enough to hold.

~when you can lean on no one else, you'll find yourself.

~if you want what you've never had, you have to do what you've never done before.

~it's one thing to understand, but another to accept.

~staring up at the stars at night. i'm satisfied to know although we're million miles away, we sleep under the same sky.

~two stars blinking in the vast blue sky, shining and making signals, seem so close yet so far.

~sometimes you just have to run, and never turn back until you've reach where you want to be.

~just because you deserve it, doesn't mean they're gonna give it to you, you have to fight for it.

~if you don't understand silence, you don't deserve words.

~don't be so quick to judge, i only chose what to show.

~one of the hardest moments in life is deciding whether to give up or to try harder.

~when you have everything you ever wanted, that's when you have somthing to lose.

~you really shouldn't say i love you unless you mean it. but if you mean it, you should say it a lot. people forget.

~what done is done, i can't change time. but i'll be damned if i'm not gonna try.

~the trouble is, if you don'to risk, you risk even more.

~you have to learn to push through your fatigue even when you're tired.

~there's a reason why you're gone this far, just be yourself.

~somethings are meant to be broken, imperfect, chaotic. it's just the way the universe provides contrast.

~screw it. or love it.

~we spend time telling ourselves that everything happens for a reason. when in reality we give reasons for everything that happens.

~something simple as words can have such a strong affect on feelings.

~never say sorry for saying what you feel. that's like apologizing for being real.

~sometimes you don't know you've crossed a line until you're already on the other side.

~eyes are the doorways to heart, where all the love resides.

~if you love someone, you would be willing to give up everything you have. but if they love you back, they'd never ask you to.

~torn between a world of hates and a world of dreams. so much to lose, so much to gain, so much to fight for, so much to change.

~optimism means expecting the best, confidence means handling the worst.

~i took a chance, took a shot. you might think i'm bullet proof, but i'm not.

~if you believe it's in my soul. i'd say all the words that i know. just to see if it would show. that i'm trying to let you know.

~and then i remember to relax and stop holding on to it. everything then flows through me like rain and i can't feel gratitude for every single moment of a stupid life.

~sometimes to move forward, you have to look back.

~the more you care the more you lose.

~broken into pieces but no one can see it. you won't believe, i have nothing left to lose.

~behind my smile is a hurting heart. behind a laughter i'm falling apart. who you see isn't who i really am.

~capture my feelings in a box. make it glass so the world can see. seal it up. do not touch. the vulnerability i behold is beyong my control.

~when life offers a dream so far beyond expectations, it's not resonable to grieve when it comes to an end.

~you bite your tongue and pretend that you're made of stone. you never let it show, but honey, everybody knows.

~give up what you can't keep to gain what you can't lose.

~if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

~dance to no music, love without fear.

~love does things for reasons that reasons cannot understand.

~if it is true love, fight as hell for it because it's worth it.

~seduction is destruction, love is a function, sex is a succession. put your powers to seduce the showstoppers and make them the jawdroppers, gear into love without being a disfunctional relationship, and get down dirty if you reach the right level of feeling cause sex is no reduction even in this recession.

~there is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness.

~don't worry about not falling in love, in fairytales, they fall in love in the last page.

~almost lovers always brings heartahce.

~if you don't go after what you want you'll never have it. But sometimes, what you want is not what you need, and what you need may not be what you want.


knock yourself out.

February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
September 2010
October 2010
December 2010
January 2011
February 2011

thank you.


experience that matters

I
GUESS
IT
REALLY
DID
MATTER
TO
ME
!!!

1st day: When i place my first step into the gym, i took a glance and have no idea what to expect. Everyone is a stranger to me, everyone is my opponent, everyone is my friend, everyone is here for one purpose, that is to get in. I didn't know what i was getting into, i took my time changing my shoes and prepare my heart and just let my eyes wonder around and try to evaluate everyone and where do i fit in.

Finally, i have the courage to stand up and get a ball, I start dribbling. Man, i haven't touched the ball for so long. I started to shoot around, wasn't that bad, about 70% of my jumpshots are in. I was nervous, i was worried, i was new, i don't know anyone. When the coach called us in, and instruct the first drill, i was completely lost. It was far more intense, the speed was wawy faster and there's no mistake. Everyone know what they're doing except me, weird enough, a fear crept over my shoulder. I tried my hardest to concentrate and focus, which i did, but i'm just not used to those damn hard firery passes and care like cannon ball that just shot straight at you. I got his twice, once in the jaw, once in the shoulder. I wanted to cry so badly when the first drill started, actually, i did. I cried inside my heart, but on the outside i left a neutral face for everyone to see and prove that i'm strong, but i'm totally crushed inside, wondering 'what am i doint here? It clearly proves that i don't belong here. why did i even expect so much? how can i be so stupid and not realise anything? damn it, damn me.'

My mind is swirling, thoughts are flying, i feel like i'm the black sheep of the whole team. Worst, i can screw up the whole team, i don't even dare to think what the coach thinks about me, i really don't. I lost the ball so many times that the coach doesn't even bother to look at me. It was so bad that i can't even look at myseld how i played. I wanted to quit so badly but too bad, my dignity and pride makes me think twice, I'm not a quiter. Am i that weak, i can't survive 3 days? No way, no matter what, i want to push it to my limit. I have to, i won't quit, that's not me, i'll pray, hope, believe, anything with God is possible. I'm pretty stubborn so excuse my while i try and try again.


2nd day:
I opened my eyes, the sky isn't that bright. I play around with my hair, tons of thoughts are flooding through my mind, replaying what happenned yesterday, predicting what is about to happen, glorious moment or the worst nightmare. I'm lost in my own thoughts, lost in my own imagination. I can't hold it anymore, i need to use the washroom. I went droozily and came back, dump myself on the bed, and try my best to fall asleep again. I tossed to the right, tossed to the left, nothing works. My mind is too awake to fall back to sleep, i went to check the clock, wth? 5.15 am? That's freaking early, I need to get more sleep in order to compete for today. I force myself to go to sleep, i don't know how i did that, but when i opened my eyes again, it was 8.30!

I roll out of bed immediately, get brushed get dressed, and went to eat the heartily breakfast that is prepared by my wonderful parents. I do love them despite all the time my complaints about them, i do know that everything they do is for my good. Thank You! Breakfast was awesome, best homemade fried rice ever, my dad's recipe rocks! There's fifteen minutes early so i went on bed and lie there till it's time. Then i phoned my friends just to get a T-shirt that i want. Haih, imma spoiled brat!

I was in the car, looking out the window, regretting why i ever sign up for this. I can't remember what i was thinking, i surely made a mistake, but i'm glad i'm not sore yet. I guess the cool down i did yesterday night was pretty effective. Anyways, iw as early, the gym wasn't open. I waited for a while and then i walked in. It was a different coach this time. He coaches totally different, he said today was 'mentally challenge', yesterday was 'physically challenge'. That's why i felt so used yesterday, wasted.

It was better a little, but still not what i want me myself to play. It was ok, i did make some lay-ups, and the best thing today is that i made a lay-up on this super fast girl, but it was only once. Somehow, i don't played bigger than i usually did. My hands were all over the place, i was bigger than than i was during regular season. This is a good thing, after today, i dont' think i'll ever be the same again. I built my courage and actually conquer my fear, somewhat. But give me time, and i think ic an handle it better.

Two days down, one more day to go. I'm actually not expecting to get in because i kinda know where i stand. But if i miracles to happen, and everything with God is possible, and if i do, i think there's a purpose. Unfortunately, i'm sore all over when i get back home. I can't even walked properly, how can i even run? My muscles are so tired, i wish i can burry myself in a icepack and let my muscles heel. But i know a better and faster way to get rid of the pain, that is to pray to my God, he is the greates and my savior. He cleanse my sins and i know he can heal me, from the inside out, physically or mentally, he's always there for me, and for you. Pray to him and have faith, miracles to happen. Thank you, Lord for blessing me this opportunity to play with the strangers. Thanks.

3rd day: My dad woke me up early today so it would be convinient to drive my family to church first then send me to the last day of try-outs. I was draggin time because i want him to drop them off and send me to try-outs as soon as possible. I was nervous, so i really don't wanna be late, unfortunately, i failed. Went to church, sang my heart out, praying that i will get better and play better during try-outs. When it's offering, i asked him the time. Suprisingly, time flies. I rushed him but he hesitate and say it can be delay. I was shocked and tears start rolling down leaving a wetline on my cheek, while the offering ushers walked past me. I tried to burry my face but it wouuld be too awkward, the only thing i can do is to stay calm and try to stop myself from crying.

After a few minutes, my dad moved, and hinted me to follow him out to the car. We're finally leaving, i don't know, i think i made the wrong decisions. Clearly, going to church and learning about God is far more important than try-out, unfortunately, i was too caught up with it, my priorities are wrong. I gave into temptation again, i don't know, is this a test? I'm confused. I really am.

It was bad today, i wasn't technically pushing myself all i can because i am so sore. My sides and my legs are killing me even to just stand upright. But when the coach start coaching, i forget about everything and push myself to make it seem allrigh, but deep down i know it isn't. I was sucky today, but the looks on the coaches face, i know he's not interested in training me. So much for my hopes and my imagination of succeeding and making into the team. He doesn't correct me, he doesn't go harsh on me like other girls do, and i know i wasn't up to the 'girls' standard yet. Hey, this is my first time, i think i did pretty good for a beginner, and i've never been in any elite or whatsoever 'pro' program. This is my very first time. I learned a lot so i'm not going to complain but i may go back next year if my friends are coming, i definately don't want to come alone.

So much for expecting, so much for hoping, i guess i have to learn how to let go, the thing is i learnt something and gain experience. Honestly, i haven't lost a lot yet. There was this girl who is super extra vicious but her height is a problem. This is just sad, at least i'm not the one with the talent and skills. But one thing for sure, i'm going to try hard and pick up from what i learned in this 3 days. I NEED TIME TO PRACTICE!

~so much for hoping and expecting but i guess it's your way, so let it be~


8:54 PM Saturday, April 26, 2008